What do dreams mean?

I keep having dreams about my mom. The dreams are usually about something else or someone else totally...yet she just happens to be there. They aren't dreams that make me wake up and go "she came to me...I can be a peace now." In fact.....they are disturbing to me. She always has cancer, yet she is functioning and seems to be living as normally as she can. I don't understand what this means. The last dream I had, Kip Winger was at my house (parent house) building a concert stage and I wanted my mom to meet him. She was laying on the couch in the living room and didn't want to get up. So she never met Kip.

My gallbladder surgery is monday morning and I'm scared. I know they do those surgeries all day long and its nothing complicated but I'm scared. My mom won't be there with me to tell me everything will be ok. What if something goes wrong during the procedure and I start to see the white light? My mom is there calling me. Asking me to come and be with her. I miss her so much...I might just take her hand and go. My mom was never a selfish woman so I know she won't do that. She would want to to live my life and be happy. She would want me to stick around and be a wonderful aunt to little Lexi. But these things go though my mind all the time. I live in fear these days. I'm afraid of death, dying, the people around me dying.

Maybe I need therapy. If only I could afford it.

One Year

Its been one year exactly, since I started this blog. Which is perhaps why I am so emotional today.

"February 13, 2009 - I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. They closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.

I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause."

It's.........scary to read my post from last year. My mom died in may, but I knew months before that, that I was going to loose her. I felt it. I knew it. I've been thinking about my mom so much lately. I've been cleaning and organizing and coming aross things of hers that bring back memories. I keep thinking about the hell she went through. I think about how scared she must have been at this time last year. I went for pre-testing for my upcoming surgery yesterday and as I was walking down one of the corridors, I saw a Dr. in scrubs ans surgical gear on. He was talking to man about the surgery he just performed on the mans loved one. I had a flashback of the dreaded day at the hospital when my moms dr. came out not more than a 1/2 hour after the surgery started and called us in to the hallway to talk. From that moment on...I lost every ounce of hope I had. I knew I would soon be without a mother.

I would have hoped I'd be further along in the healing process by now, but I still cry all the time. I'm not a happy person. Nothing excites me. How am I supposed to find love this way? Who the hell would want me in this condition? I'm broken. Its not like there are any prospects anyway. Since my moms illness, I have continued to live in fear. I fear everything. I call my dad every single day. He thinks its just to see how he's doing and to say hello. It's my way of making sure he is still alive. If he doesn't answer, I panic. I worry about going on vacation and being so far away from him. I worry plane crashes. I worry about my dr. botching my surgery and me dying on the table. It's consuming sometimes. Is it healthy? No. I know that. I just think its part of my grieving. It doesn't help that I am alone all the time. Thats when my mind starts working. The little joy I do get comes from my beautiful little niece. I went to visit her yesterday. She is starting to show more and more of her personality every time I see her. I held her up to me and she just starred at me and giggled. My heart melted. It made me smile. It was bittersweet though because all I could think of was how I wished my mom was here to see this beautiful little girl. She'd love her so much.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My mom always bought me a card and gave me alittle something on that day. Probably because she felt sorry for me because I never had a boyfriend. It was thoughtful of her just the same. Tomorrow I will take Erin & Alexis over to Teresa's house for Carmen's 2nd b-day and celebrate his day, not Valentine's Day.

I love you mom. I miss you so much.

I'm back. I need to let it out.

I must be PMS'ing because I am sitting here crying for no reason. It seems that every month the week before "that time" my emotions are out of control. Today seems to be one of those days.


I got a package in the mail last week from Neil's GF Beah with a necklace she had made for me. I had given her a box of old baubles that were my moms & grandmas to use for her jewelry business. She has a business called Bohemian Birdcage and she takes old jewelry mixes it up and gives it new life. She made me a necklace from the pieces I gave her. In the package was a letter that said "Everything on the necklace was a part of what you gave me, even the chain. Consider it a reminder of your mother. I like to think of the dove as a mediator between you and your mother in heaven." I cried when I read that. I wore that necklace today.

The day started with me getting pulled over in Brecksville for speeding (and no seatbelt). I couldn't talk my way out of anything...so I didn't even try. I just agreed with everything he said and sat in my car as he sat checking my info and writing my ticket. I sat there for several minutes and then out loud I said "can you please help me out here mom?" He came back a few moments later with my license & registration and no ticket. He let me go with a warning. I have no idea why. I thought I was going to be out a good $150. Did my mom answer my call for help? Was that necklace from Beah a good luck charm? I don't know. I'd like to think so but its probably just a coincidence.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. She would be so excited for me that I get to go to Hawaii...but I can't tell her. Her little grand daughter is so beautiful. I wish she could see her.

I was cleaning out my desk and found the notepad that I took to the hospital the day we met with the hospice people. I took it because I felt it was important for me to get her words on how much she loved her grand daughter that she would never see. At the time I didn't think about how that was affecting her. For her to think that I thought her time on this earth was so limited that she wouldn't make it to see Alexis born. I knew she was dying but did I have to shove it in her face like that? She had to have been so scared. She didn't want to die and I think she continued to have hope even after hospice was called in. She wanted so badly to see the birth of her grandchild.

I think back to the misery I was in at this time last year. The worst of it was just beginning. I don't feel I've healed at all. I'm a sobbing mess at this very moment. I still see her face lying dead with dried vomit streaking down the sides of her face. It haunts me still. I don't want that to be how I remember my mom. That dreadful illness did not define her. But I still have so much healing to do and they say that as I heal that image will change to a happier one. I hope so. I wish I wasn't alone so much. I don't have anything to distract me. I don't have anything that brings joy in my life.

I love you so much mom. I miss you so much. If that was you helping me out today.....thank you.

The End?

Almost a year has gone by since I started this blog. I seem to be writing here less and less. There really isn't anymore I can say that I haven't said a dozen times in one form or another.
The last few weeks I have been thinking about what I was going thru at this time last year. What a nightmare it had been for me....watching my mom suffer from that dreadful cancer. I think about her every single day. I cry for her every single day. I feel her loss every single day. My life won't ever be the same without my mom. I can only hope and pray that my pain will lessen in time.

Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog. Thank you for the support and advice and friendship. I won't ever forget the kindness and generosity you all have shown me and my family. I'm not saying that I'm deleting this blog.....I just don't have much to say here anymore. I know that most of you are on facebook and can keep track of me on there.

The End

The years end can't come soon enough. 2009 has been the worst year I have ever had and I can't wait until its over. I don't want to look back. I don't want to reflect on what has happened. I don't want to celebrate it. I just want it gone. I pray that 2010 will be better. It has to be.

December

December has been a busy month for me with baking cookies, prepping for my holiday party and Christmas shopping. Neil's "One Silent Night" Christmas show at the Palace Theater was on the 11th. I wasn't going to go this year but got talked into it. I'm so glad that I did because I had a great time and got to listen to some kickass holiday music by my favorite musician and friend Neil Zaza.

My party also came and went. I think everyone had a good time. I was happy to be surrounded by my friends. They have kept me going these last several months. The end of the night was a riot and I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did in a really long time. Unfortunately it was at my friend Chris's expense. Sorry Chris.

I've had several meltdowns. A few of them were major. Last night I was hit pretty hard. My father got an abnormal reading on his EKG and as soon as he told me that.....it was like I was back in the nightmare that started this exact time last year with my mom. I don't have the strength to deal with more medical worries. I can barely hold myself together as it is. I have to pray that its nothing serious. My friend Sabrina is under the knife in California as I write this. She is undergoing a 6 hour complicated & delicate spine surgery that won't even cure her. It will only improve her quality of life. We cried on the phone last night for half an hour. She has been such a warrior through all of this but she is really scared. You'll be alright girl! My mom is keeping an eye on you from the heavens. I love you and I'm praying for you.

Christmas is two days away and at this point I just hope I can make it through the day without totally loosing it. I don't even know what the plans are for Christmas. Perhaps I'll be sitting home doing nothing. I'd probably be fine with that. All I know is that Christmas won't EVER be the same without my mom. I've tried so hard to carry on the traditions that she always did. I spent way too much money on my little neice.....I feel its my job to spoil her now. My mom would have spoiled her rotten. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to know that I am doing everything I can to ensure her spirit lives on in everyone who knew her.

I love you mom and I miss you so much. I miss you every single day. Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry that I didn't make your last holidays on this earth more memorable. Easter...I stormed out upset because you wouldn't eat. I tried to put on a happy face last Christmas but I knew things were bad. How can you have a nice holiday when you have just been told that your mother has a large tumor in her uterus and spots on her lung and liver. While everyone was telling me its going to be ok....I knew better. I have a 6th sense. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. She wanted to have a nice holiday and not think the news she was given...not think about what would soon be the death of her. I wasn't strong enough to put on a happy face and make sure my moms Christmas was wonderful. I tried. I should have tried harder. I should have told her I loved her more. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. Her last New Years Eve. Her last Easter. Her last birthday. Yet I spent most of those days pleading with her to eat and move around. I begged her to fight. I made her cry so many times. My intentions were good. I tried so hard to get thru to her. Why???? In the end it didn't matter. She is gone. You can't change fate. My last holiday memories with my mom...weren't happy ones (not as happy as they should have been) and its my fault. I'm so sorry mom.

I am sitting on the floor in tears starring at my empty Christmas tree. I don't have the strength to put the ornaments on it. Its too hard.

Never

I feel down today. I'm not sure what triggered it. I was fine when I woke up. I ran into the grocery store after my doctors appointment this morning and saw everyone buying turkeys and food for their Thanksgiving meal. I will never have a Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. I will never hear her complaining in the kitchen because my dad won't get off his ass and help do something. I will never hear her getting frazzled because she can't carve the turkey like the chefs on food network do. I don't like this "new normal" at all.

I had a vision the other night. I wasn't asleep, but a vision of my mom flashed in my head. She was standing and waving. She had on a pink sweater and red pants. The exact pink sweater and red pants that my friend Bill's mom was wearing at the baptism on sunday. She wears the same size clothes as my mom did and doesn't have alot of money so I gave her alot of my moms things that were left over after the garage sale. As soon as I saw her and made a point to show me that she was wearing my moms clothes and that she loved them. I'm not sure why that triggered a vision of my mom wearing those things....it was weird. I've had one or two dreams that my mom has been in...but nothing at all like my sis-n-laws dream. Hers seemed like a sign. A message right from my mom. Mine have been very ordinary. Nothing profound. I think I was even yelling at her in one. Am I not worthy???

Santa is dead.

I asked my dad today if he was buying gifts for Christmas this year. He said no. He's giving money. I was saddened to hear that. Not because I want gifts, but because we spent hours on Christmas day watching each other opening gifts. I have always prided myself on buying cool gifts so I looked forward to watching everyone open the ones from me. My mom spent days wrapping gifts. She used fancy ribbons and bows. Her gifts were always wrapped beautifully. Those days are gone. I am trying really hard to get myself into the holiday spirit...but its so hard. I want to decorate but then I think.....what the hell is the point? Who's going to see it? I know I have to because I know my mom would want me to continue enjoying the holidays. We both loved to decorate and if she were looking down on me she would be disappointed if I didn't put my tree up with all of my beautiful ornaments. I love my tree. I just need to find the strength to put it up. I too will have my annual Christmas party. That too will be very hard to get through, but I need my friends this time of year.

This must be the "new normal" I'm supposed to get used to. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

I thought sunday is supposed to be a day of rest?

Just my luck.....I end up with two baptisms on the same day and less than an hour apart. My little neice Alexis was to be baptised at 12:30 at St. Cosmas & Damian in Twinsburg, and my friend Teresa's little girl was to be baptised at 1:15 at St. Francis of Assissi in Gates Mills. Teresa has given the honor of being Godmother to Natalie so you see my delima.

Time was on my side and I was able to be at both baptisms. The priest at St. Francis was kind enough to wait until I got there to start the ceremony. It was a beautiful moment in both these little girls lives and I was thrilled to participate in both. After Natalie's ceremony, it was time to head to Hudson for Alexis's party. Then after an hour or so there, it was time to head out to Kirtland for Natalie's party. It was alot of rushing around, alot of miles on the car, but I couldn't let these little girls down. I am honored to be a part of both of their lives.

God Bless Alexis & Natalie.

out of nowhere

I was having a fine day. I got home at 3am laast night because some friends and I went to a midnight screening of New moon. Which I LOVED!!! I slept in a bit and got up and went to see it again. I went grocery shopping, I cooked a roast & baked some cupcakes and wrapped some gifts for the baptisms on sunday. Everything was fine....until I went across the street to take some food over to my dad. He wasn't home. The house was dark. It felt so empty. Lifeless. I opened the door to my moms room....now nearly empty. My heart sank. I stood there in the middle of the room motionless as the tears started. I walked out and closed the door. Does closing the door help us to forget that she isn't there anymore. If we can't look into the empty room, then we aren't reminded that she is relly gone. Is that why the door is always closed?? It's always closed when I go there. I only got worse as I walked into my dads room. I sat on his bed (the exact spot where she died) and lost it. I don't know how long I layed there crying. I couldn't stop.

God help me. I don't want my life any more. I'm so tired of crying. When is it going to get better??

sent to the heavens

Tonight was my final support group meeting. Eight weeks went by very fast. Over the last eight weeks I have bonded with a group of wonderful ladies. I have cried, talked and listened. I have taken in and absorbed everything that we have discussed and hopefully one day I will figure out what it has done for me. I have no doubt that my time at Cornersone has been benificial for me, but I think time will tell how exactly it has helped me.

During the last 10 mintues of our meeting, we were given a paper heart and asked to write a message to out loved one on it. We were then to attach it to a balloon and set it free up into the dark sky. It felt so......final for me. Kind of like what I felt when I saw the gravestone. I had so much I wanted to say on my little heart, but I can only hope that my mom died already knowing everything I wrote on that heart.

I love you mom. I hope my message reaches you in the heavens.