Was this a good idea?

Today I went to my first grief support group meeting. I cried the entire time I was there. I was hoping there would be some hot single guy there who lost his mom but no such luck. From 6:00 to 6:30 there is food and refreshments and the groups that are meeting that night can mingle together until their meetings start. I meet a lady who lost her husband. He died of cancer. She has two types of cancer as well. I asked how she was doing. She said she stopped treatments. She had planned to die before her husband. It didn't work out that way. He left first and now she is alone. She has given up. I think she just wants to be with her husband and so she has decided to stop her treatments and let nature take its course until she is with him again. It was very sad. My group consists of mostly women, with several who have lost their moms. One lady had a very similar story to mine. She lost her mom a week after mine and her mom was a year younger than mine. Her mother also died of cancer. I felt a bond to her immediately. Everyone had equally heartbreaking stories. One lady lost her son. They found his body lying next to railroad tracks. She still doesn't know the cause of his death. Another woman lost her daughter. She couldn't even speak about it tonight. Suprisingly..I spoke alot. I am usually silent in situations like that. I rarely spoke up at my weight watchers meetings. I guess I feel that if I speak out loud....I am getting things OUT. We were asked what we hoped to get out of this group. I don't know what I want out of this group. I guess I want to just go somewhere where there are others that understand and can relate to what I am going through. I feel guilty that I keep bringing up my mom to everyone around me. I feel like...I am forcing them to think of her. Is that wrong? Maybe they don't want to think of her any longer. She is gone...and thats it. Everyone has moved on...they are living their lives. I just don't want them to forget her. Tonight was mentally exhausting. I hope I can make it through the next 8 weeks. I know I need to be there. I just hope I can handle it.

I love you mom. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know you want me to live my life and be happy. Its so hard. I miss you so much. I thought I had been doing ok these last few weeks but tonight the flood gates have opened and every emotion I have has been pouring out. The pain......is unbearable.

Reality Bites

My dads Tuesday routine includes a visit to the cemetery on the way to pick up his papers for his paper route. He called me to let me know that the gravestone had be put in. I decided to go after work to have a look. Staring down at the stone with my moms name on it hit me like a ton of bricks. Its true......she really is dead and she's never coming back. I am standing above her. Her body is underground with the dirt and the bugs. She doesn't belong there. She belongs with her family and her new grand daughter. I stood there crying for several minutes.

I watched a man laying next to a grave. He just layed there. I wondered who he was there for. Was it his mom? A wife? I couldn't stay any longer. Why do we even go visit cemeteries??? If our soul leaves our body when we die....then what lies beneath the ground with the dirt and bugs is just a shell. The people we love are not there. So why do we go and stand at their grave and cry? I don't know. All I know is that my mom is dead. She is not with me....and I will never be the same.

Speechless

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine today. She lives in Michigan. A few years ago...she came in contact with black mold and she has been fighting for her life since then. I took up donations for her and sent a care package up to her. We were able to buy a few hundred dollars worth of gift cards and a few other things. My mom and dad even donated. I have only met her once. We met at a Kip Winger concert and became friends and chat online alot. My parents have never met her.

She was looking for a way to help others instead of focusing on her illness. So she applied to train puppies to become guide dogs. She got a puppy last week and named her Melody.

This is part of her blog......
I had the honor of naming her, and that's what she is to me, a melody. Music is my lifeblood, and it surrounds me and fills me, reflects my sorrows and my triumphs in its lyrics and its orchestration. And just as though music is always by my side, she is...delicately prancing along happily in her dainty way, in this beautiful symphony of emotions that moves you. She is light, and airy, and sweet, and beloved, just like a melody is to me. And her middle name on her certificate? It's Bev....for a woman I've never met and never will this side of heaven, but even so, taught me precisely what it was like to give to someone in need who you don't know, but who's story has tugged at your heartstrings. And in Bev's honor, I'm going to do the exact same thing.....I'm going to give Melody eventually to a person I may never meet, but who's plight is near to my heart and who I'd give anything to make better.


I cried when I read that. I am speechless. I feel like my lifes mission is to ensure my moms memory lives on and Becca has helped me with that.

Thank you Becca.

Rainbows and babies

I saw two rainbows across from the hospital today. They were beautiful against the dark sky. I thought of my mom. Was that her smiling over baby Alexis? I have to believe it was. It makes me feel better.

Only parents and grandparents are allowed in to see the baby because she is in NICU. They granted me permission in place of my mom, since she is not with us. So I feel very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to see her. Her birth was a bit scary....she had to be given CPR because she wasn't breathing on her own. But she is doing very well now. I went in the NICU with Brian and Erin tonight because Erin was able to feed her for the first time. I felt....overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't stop smiling as I starred at this beautiful little life. I haven't felt joy and happiness in............I don't know how long. It feels like forever. I am so thrilled to be an Aunt. I have to make my mom proud and spoil that little girl, like I know she would.

Welcome beautiful baby Alexis.

Still waiting

My sis-n-law went into the hospital to be induced a few days ago. She is now back at home...without a baby (in hand). They tried inducing...but she wasn't dilating much...so they sent her home to rest for a few days and then they will try again. She says that my mom wants to hang on to her alittle while longer...before introducing her to the world. Although Erin is frustrated and feeling lousy....she is ok with the fact that the baby isn't ready to come out yet. When she is ready....it will happen. My birthday is on Thursday and it would be quite a coincidence if the baby was born on that day. I would say that my mom had a hand in that one. My dad thinks that the baby decided to be a boy and needs more time to grow a penis. LOL Whatever dad! Girls can play with trains. I did. We'll see what happens.

My birthday is coming in a few days. I don't think anyone in my family will even remember my birthday. My mom was always in charge of that stuff. Birthdays & holidays will never be the same. Maybe its best they don't remember. There really isn't any reason to celebrate anyway.

Update.....Erin is now heading back to the hospital. Blood pressure is too high. This dr needs to make up her mind. Just do a c-section and be done with it. This back-n-forth business is nuts.

Alexis's Angel

I miss my mom a lot. I think about her every single day. Baby Alexis is due to arrive at any time. Erin is in the hospital as I write this and is being induced. It is very bittersweet. I am excited to finally meet Baby Alexis....but it breaks my heart that my mom is not here to see her first grandchild being born. She would have spoiled that baby terribly. Life is just so unfair. What did my mom do to deserve this? My life is so empty without her. Sure, I will have a baby neice to bring some joy into my life...but she will never fill the void that my mothers death has left in me. A piece of me is gone forever.

I love you mom. I miss you so much. I hope that you are watching over Erin while she is preparing to bring your beautiful grand daughter into this world.