Some of the ladies got really creative and cut out shapes for each of their emotions. I just tore the paper, except for the hearts. Pink and red are for love. The love of my mother and feeling surrounded by the love of friends and family during the days of her funeral. The red cut out heart however...is for the the emptiness I feel. Its for the whole in my heart because my mother is gone. The orange is anxious. Purple is for helpless and exhausted. These two colors relate to when my mom was still alive. The constant worrying about test results. Worrying if she was going to eat that day or if she was going to be in pain. Exhausted from the worrying and crying. Not so much a physical exhaustion...but mental. I couldn't wait to fall asleep so my mind would stop. Green is envy. I envy everyone who still has their mom. I can't go shopping with her anymore. We can't bake together anymore. I'm envious of my sister-n-law for having the most amazing dream about my mom. Where is mine? All the shades of blue are for various sad emotions. Depressed, sad, miserable...etc. Pretty self-explanitory I think. Black is loneliness and fear. When a loved one dies....all your friends and family are around for those first few days...maybe weeks. But its now.....months later when I need those friends and family. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I need the occasional phone call or email to see how I'm doing. Sadly...those don't come much any more. I may not be as lonely if I had a boyfriend to lean on.....but love seems to keep evading me. It seems I am destined to be alone. Lonely. Yes...alone and lonely are two different things. I am both. Fear.....I fear death. I fear cancer. I fear my father dying and being totally alone. I fear doctors. I have panic attacks days before my appointments.
Welcome to my life. Lovely isn't it? Should I get my artwork framed???
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