Haunting memories

Tonight was my second grief support meeting. It was just about as rough as the first one. Once again I was quiet vocal. Mostly through tears...but I talked. A lady whos 20 year old daughter died of lukemia in july...spoke this week. She couldn't speak last week. It turns out that her and I have a similar problem. We both have visions that haunt us. I was not there when my mom died. When I entered the bedroom where she layed...I saw a lifeless body with dried vomit streamed down the sides of her face. I have not been able to get that picture out of my head. It tells me that she did not die peacefully. That perhaps she was struggling and uncomfortable and in pain when she died. That kills me. Everytime I see that image...I die alittle more inside. The lady who lost her daughter...was in the hospital with her when she passed. Her daughter was gasping for a breath and blood started dripping from her mouth. She too is haunted by that vision. The counceloring tell us that once we start to heal...those haunting images will be replaced with a happy image of our loved one. I hope that happens soon.

I came home tonight...exhausted and emotionally drained. I saw a box (not my cat that is still missing) on my front porch and wondered what it was. Then I remembered the stone I ordered for my "Peace Garden" I am putting in for my mom. The stone is engraved with a saying that my good friend Lisa had put on a picture she had made for me after my mom died. It reads..."if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." So the crying starts all over again.

I put the stone in the garden and started walking the street in heels crying like a baby and calling for my cat. It's not like her to not come home. She loves me. She follows me everywhere. Where is she? Is she hurt? Hungry? Does someone have her? Is she trapped somewhere? Is she dead? I keep looking out the front door to see if she is there. She isn't.

Lucy.....come home!