Good Friday? Not really.

Today is Good Friday. I hoped it would live up to its name. Sadly...it didn't. Mom had her chemo pack unhooked today. She is really weak. Tired. Couldn't get up the steps. I don't know of its the chemo doing it or what. Of course we get into another arguement about her not trying hard enough. Brian and Erin were over and witnessed what my dad and I have to deal with every day. I got so upset that I got up and stormed out.

I needed to find some peace. I went to church tonight. I have been wanting to go but never am able to make the time. I went to something called Liturgy of the Lord's Passion. Sadly....I don't really know what that means....but I went anyway. I'm sitting there looking around at all the statues and the crucifix above me and I don't know what happened but I started crying. I couldn't stop. I was embarassed. I was trying to follow along during the readings but I couldn't see through my tears. Maybe it was a release that I needed...I don't know. Despite my breakdown....I'm glad that I went. I would like to go more. I hope I can make the commitment.

A sigh of relief

Last night before I went to bed...I held the worry stone Katie (Songbird) gave me. I starred at the cross inside of it and read the word BELIEVE...over and over. I closed my eyes and rubbed the stone and said "I believe in you....I believe in you." "Please look after my mom tomorrow....please let her be able to get her treatment.....give her a chance to fight."

My dad just called me and said that mom is getting her chemo. Her white blood cell count has recovered and is even above the level it needs to be at in order to get treatment.

Thank You Lord.

Easter...already

It's hard to believe that Easter is this weekend. The days feel like they go by so slowly...yet.......it's April already. I can't help but wonder if this will be the last Easter I celebrate with my mom. Maybe thats why I've blocked out the fact the holiday is just around the corner. I don't want to think about it being "the last holiday." Some days I think she'll make it...other days...I'm not so sure. She has had so many setbacks already. I pray that this week there isn't another one. I PRAY that she can get her chemo. How can someone fight when they aren't given the proper chance? Her birthday is April 25th and she asked for a spring coat. I want to buy her a coat...but I keep getting these thoughts in my head that she may not be around to wear it. I know that is wrong. I can't think that way. I have to think positive.

Is she fighting? She tells me she is trying....fighting, but sometimes I don't see it. We get in arguments daily and we both end up in tears. I am so tired of crying. I don't want to make her cry...but I can't make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She needs to live her life like there is nothing wrong. I don't know how to get through to her. I have asked my brother to step in so that my dad and I don't always look like the bad guys. We'll see what happens. I don't know who else I can have talk to her.

My mom went to the cancer center this morning to have her blood tested for the thinners she is on. They left about 11am. It doesn't take that long for a blood test...so I started calling home about 12:30. No answer. 1:00, 1:30, 2:00...no answer. Of course...they didn't take the cell phone. I call the cancer center....she's not there. Is something wrong? Did they send her for a test??? Where is that worry stone that Katie sent me..when I need it???? I must have called home a dozen times. Finally about 2:30-2:45 they were home. She waited in the waiting room at the cancer center for an hour. Then my dad had to make several pitstops on the way home. So.....I was panicing for no reason. Welcome to my life. I teeter on the edge of anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.

I need a drink.

A better day.

I got the nicest card and worry stone from a friend from a message board I am on. I hardly know her...but she saw this worry stone that had a cross in it with the word "BELIEVE" written on it and she said she thought of me when she saw it. My mom also got some flowers today from Margaret & Ron, my sis-n-laws aunt and uncle. Ron's mom was in the same hospital at the same time my mom was in...and so they came and sat with my mom at the hospital every day while she was there. They are such nice people.

Today has been a better day. My mom doesn't have the pain like she had yesterday. When she has a good day.....I can have a good day.

UGH.

Yesterday ended with a bang. I can't seem to go a day without crying or making my mom cry. My dad and I just can't seem to make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She says she is weak...and she got blood clots. Well....the only way you will get stronger is to eat and move around more. She seems to have an excuse for everything we suggest. I had to tell her that unless she starts fighting harder...the cancer will win and she will die. I don't cry as much as I did when this all started. I mean....I am depressed...big time. I rarely smile. Rarely laugh. I cry...but it stops faster than it did before. Does that mean I am getting stronger? I don't know. I don't feel stronger.

I feel like shit today. My digestive system is a wreck. In the last week...I've had two episodes in the middle of the night where I wake up with terrible bloating and gas pains..accompanied by a horrible back pain. It is the most uncomfortable pain. I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lay down...nothing makes it feel better. I make several trips to the shower and let the hot water pound on my back in hopes that it was ease the pain. Nothing works. Percocet doesn't even help. If I am lucky enough to finally fall asleep...by the time I wake up.....its like nothing even happened. There is no evidence anything was even wrong a few hours before. I don't get it.

My mom isn't feeling well today either which means she won't be eating much. She and my dad are both at their primary care doctor today. I hope all goes well. Please. Let all go well.

Off to a good start. NOT!

Mom couldn't get chemo today. Her white blood cell count is still low. We aren't getting anywhere fast. She can't even get one step forward before taking two step back. How many more people have to pray for her before things turn around?

April Fools?

I hope a new month brings new hope. Mom goes for her chemo today....hopefully. Her white blood cell count was low a few days ago...and if it still below a certain level they can't give her the treatment. I just want things to start going well. Is it too much to ask???????

Crossing Fingers

They tested my moms blood today and her white blood cell count is low. If it is still low on Wednesday...they can't give her chemo. I pray she gets her treatment. She can't miss treatments. Why can't things just go as scheduled?

Will it be a good week?

Sunday was an "ok" day. I guess I base it on how much stress and drama I have to deal with. I think some of her issues with feeling weak and unsteady on her feet are in her head. I don't doubt she is weak. I can see that she is...but I think she makes it worse by thinking she is going to fall when she hasn't even stood up yet. Does that make sense?

Today my mom goes for a blood test to make monitor the blood thinners. She has her chemo treatment this week as well. I hope all goes well.

I really, really, really need to get away. I am afraid to go anywhere though. Even if I could go somewhere for the day. I'd like to go back up to Ikea in Pittsburgh. Who wants to go with me? What am I thinking? I don't even have any money to go anywhere. I have ZERO dollars left from my paycheck after paying my bills. That means no money for gas or groceries or starbucks.
My life sucks.

P.S. Sorry I didn't call you back Frank. Things have been hectic. I hope you guys had a nice vacation. I'm jealous!

Will we ever have a good day?

Mom came home late last night. I thought it would end up being a stress free day...but of course...it wasn't. There were issues at the hospital that I won't go into. She is still weak and will start in-home physical therapy in a few days. She was given three bags of blood while she was in the hospital. I was hoping that it would perk her up and make her feel stronger. I guess she seems a little better than she did before she went in. Sometimes...I'm just not sure.

My dad pissed me off today. He wanted to drive all the way out to Thompson to his uncles old house to look at a gate. That would have left my mom home alone for a good 3 hours. I am working, and my brother had things to do. Why is it that my life is the only one that is getting turned upside down because of all this????? Everyone else can just go about their daily lives. My dad wasn't bothered by the fact that my mom would be home alone. He told her that if she needed help to call 911. Nice. Could you be anymore uncaring and inconsiderate and irresponsible? I mean.....seriously.......I don't know how he rationalizes things sometimes. He was set to go....got in the van...and the van wouldn't start. HA! It ended up having to be towed to the repair shop. Serves him right. Now he can't go to Thompson.

Is God really watching?

My moms primary doctor was in to see her today and told her that she is very lucky because the clots were already in her lungs and had they gotten to her heart...she would not be here right now. She cried as she told me this. She told the doctor how grateful she was that he made her come see him and then go to the ER. She feels the prayers from everyone helped her through this and that God is watching over her.

It still amazes me...how caring people are. There are so many people from all over...people I have never met...are praying for my mom. I have an amazing online community of friends who pray for my mom daily. None of them have ever met her....yet they find time in their busy lives to think about my family. One of the girls dedicates every yoga practice she does to my mom. Some have written personalized prayers. How can I ever thank these people? I know I will never have the opportunity to thank them in person.

My friends in the area have been wondeful as well. My mom will need a scrapbook for all the cards she has gotten. One of the neighbor boys brought over a card he made along with some flowers and some lemon bars his mom made. One of the baristas at Starbucks gave me a hug the other day and said she would pray for my mom. Amazing people.

My mom should be coming home in a day or two. I am hoping she will have some out-patient physical therapy. I feel her lack of movement is one of the reasons she ended up with clots to begin with. There are other reasons the clots formed but her immobility contributed to it. Her cancer doctor and therapists also reinforced that fact. I wanted her to hear it from professionals because she just thinks we are picking on her when we tell her. I think she looks alot better than she did when she went in. She looked tired and weak and...sick when she went in. She knows she needs to move more. She can't lay on the couch and wait for the drugs to work. She needs to live her life. I hope she understands that now...and she can move forward in a positive direction. I PRAY she moves forward in a positive direction.

I don't understand

My mom is being admitted to Marymount once again. Her ankle had been swollen for the last several days and her nurse at the cancer center advised her that she see her primary doctor. She went today and he made her go to the ER for an ultrasound on her legs. She has a blood clot, so she will be in for 3-5 days.

I don't understand why all this is happening. Why can't we have one good week? I hate all these setbacks, its so incredibly discouraging. I just want things to start improving. Luckily this is happening on her "off" week from chemo or else she'd be missing another treatment.