Easter...already

It's hard to believe that Easter is this weekend. The days feel like they go by so slowly...yet.......it's April already. I can't help but wonder if this will be the last Easter I celebrate with my mom. Maybe thats why I've blocked out the fact the holiday is just around the corner. I don't want to think about it being "the last holiday." Some days I think she'll make it...other days...I'm not so sure. She has had so many setbacks already. I pray that this week there isn't another one. I PRAY that she can get her chemo. How can someone fight when they aren't given the proper chance? Her birthday is April 25th and she asked for a spring coat. I want to buy her a coat...but I keep getting these thoughts in my head that she may not be around to wear it. I know that is wrong. I can't think that way. I have to think positive.

Is she fighting? She tells me she is trying....fighting, but sometimes I don't see it. We get in arguments daily and we both end up in tears. I am so tired of crying. I don't want to make her cry...but I can't make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She needs to live her life like there is nothing wrong. I don't know how to get through to her. I have asked my brother to step in so that my dad and I don't always look like the bad guys. We'll see what happens. I don't know who else I can have talk to her.

My mom went to the cancer center this morning to have her blood tested for the thinners she is on. They left about 11am. It doesn't take that long for a blood test...so I started calling home about 12:30. No answer. 1:00, 1:30, 2:00...no answer. Of course...they didn't take the cell phone. I call the cancer center....she's not there. Is something wrong? Did they send her for a test??? Where is that worry stone that Katie sent me..when I need it???? I must have called home a dozen times. Finally about 2:30-2:45 they were home. She waited in the waiting room at the cancer center for an hour. Then my dad had to make several pitstops on the way home. So.....I was panicing for no reason. Welcome to my life. I teeter on the edge of anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.

I need a drink.