UGH.

Yesterday ended with a bang. I can't seem to go a day without crying or making my mom cry. My dad and I just can't seem to make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She says she is weak...and she got blood clots. Well....the only way you will get stronger is to eat and move around more. She seems to have an excuse for everything we suggest. I had to tell her that unless she starts fighting harder...the cancer will win and she will die. I don't cry as much as I did when this all started. I mean....I am depressed...big time. I rarely smile. Rarely laugh. I cry...but it stops faster than it did before. Does that mean I am getting stronger? I don't know. I don't feel stronger.

I feel like shit today. My digestive system is a wreck. In the last week...I've had two episodes in the middle of the night where I wake up with terrible bloating and gas pains..accompanied by a horrible back pain. It is the most uncomfortable pain. I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lay down...nothing makes it feel better. I make several trips to the shower and let the hot water pound on my back in hopes that it was ease the pain. Nothing works. Percocet doesn't even help. If I am lucky enough to finally fall asleep...by the time I wake up.....its like nothing even happened. There is no evidence anything was even wrong a few hours before. I don't get it.

My mom isn't feeling well today either which means she won't be eating much. She and my dad are both at their primary care doctor today. I hope all goes well. Please. Let all go well.