Was this a good idea?

Today I went to my first grief support group meeting. I cried the entire time I was there. I was hoping there would be some hot single guy there who lost his mom but no such luck. From 6:00 to 6:30 there is food and refreshments and the groups that are meeting that night can mingle together until their meetings start. I meet a lady who lost her husband. He died of cancer. She has two types of cancer as well. I asked how she was doing. She said she stopped treatments. She had planned to die before her husband. It didn't work out that way. He left first and now she is alone. She has given up. I think she just wants to be with her husband and so she has decided to stop her treatments and let nature take its course until she is with him again. It was very sad. My group consists of mostly women, with several who have lost their moms. One lady had a very similar story to mine. She lost her mom a week after mine and her mom was a year younger than mine. Her mother also died of cancer. I felt a bond to her immediately. Everyone had equally heartbreaking stories. One lady lost her son. They found his body lying next to railroad tracks. She still doesn't know the cause of his death. Another woman lost her daughter. She couldn't even speak about it tonight. Suprisingly..I spoke alot. I am usually silent in situations like that. I rarely spoke up at my weight watchers meetings. I guess I feel that if I speak out loud....I am getting things OUT. We were asked what we hoped to get out of this group. I don't know what I want out of this group. I guess I want to just go somewhere where there are others that understand and can relate to what I am going through. I feel guilty that I keep bringing up my mom to everyone around me. I feel like...I am forcing them to think of her. Is that wrong? Maybe they don't want to think of her any longer. She is gone...and thats it. Everyone has moved on...they are living their lives. I just don't want them to forget her. Tonight was mentally exhausting. I hope I can make it through the next 8 weeks. I know I need to be there. I just hope I can handle it.

I love you mom. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know you want me to live my life and be happy. Its so hard. I miss you so much. I thought I had been doing ok these last few weeks but tonight the flood gates have opened and every emotion I have has been pouring out. The pain......is unbearable.

Reality Bites

My dads Tuesday routine includes a visit to the cemetery on the way to pick up his papers for his paper route. He called me to let me know that the gravestone had be put in. I decided to go after work to have a look. Staring down at the stone with my moms name on it hit me like a ton of bricks. Its true......she really is dead and she's never coming back. I am standing above her. Her body is underground with the dirt and the bugs. She doesn't belong there. She belongs with her family and her new grand daughter. I stood there crying for several minutes.

I watched a man laying next to a grave. He just layed there. I wondered who he was there for. Was it his mom? A wife? I couldn't stay any longer. Why do we even go visit cemeteries??? If our soul leaves our body when we die....then what lies beneath the ground with the dirt and bugs is just a shell. The people we love are not there. So why do we go and stand at their grave and cry? I don't know. All I know is that my mom is dead. She is not with me....and I will never be the same.

Speechless

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine today. She lives in Michigan. A few years ago...she came in contact with black mold and she has been fighting for her life since then. I took up donations for her and sent a care package up to her. We were able to buy a few hundred dollars worth of gift cards and a few other things. My mom and dad even donated. I have only met her once. We met at a Kip Winger concert and became friends and chat online alot. My parents have never met her.

She was looking for a way to help others instead of focusing on her illness. So she applied to train puppies to become guide dogs. She got a puppy last week and named her Melody.

This is part of her blog......
I had the honor of naming her, and that's what she is to me, a melody. Music is my lifeblood, and it surrounds me and fills me, reflects my sorrows and my triumphs in its lyrics and its orchestration. And just as though music is always by my side, she is...delicately prancing along happily in her dainty way, in this beautiful symphony of emotions that moves you. She is light, and airy, and sweet, and beloved, just like a melody is to me. And her middle name on her certificate? It's Bev....for a woman I've never met and never will this side of heaven, but even so, taught me precisely what it was like to give to someone in need who you don't know, but who's story has tugged at your heartstrings. And in Bev's honor, I'm going to do the exact same thing.....I'm going to give Melody eventually to a person I may never meet, but who's plight is near to my heart and who I'd give anything to make better.


I cried when I read that. I am speechless. I feel like my lifes mission is to ensure my moms memory lives on and Becca has helped me with that.

Thank you Becca.

Rainbows and babies

I saw two rainbows across from the hospital today. They were beautiful against the dark sky. I thought of my mom. Was that her smiling over baby Alexis? I have to believe it was. It makes me feel better.

Only parents and grandparents are allowed in to see the baby because she is in NICU. They granted me permission in place of my mom, since she is not with us. So I feel very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to see her. Her birth was a bit scary....she had to be given CPR because she wasn't breathing on her own. But she is doing very well now. I went in the NICU with Brian and Erin tonight because Erin was able to feed her for the first time. I felt....overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't stop smiling as I starred at this beautiful little life. I haven't felt joy and happiness in............I don't know how long. It feels like forever. I am so thrilled to be an Aunt. I have to make my mom proud and spoil that little girl, like I know she would.

Welcome beautiful baby Alexis.

Still waiting

My sis-n-law went into the hospital to be induced a few days ago. She is now back at home...without a baby (in hand). They tried inducing...but she wasn't dilating much...so they sent her home to rest for a few days and then they will try again. She says that my mom wants to hang on to her alittle while longer...before introducing her to the world. Although Erin is frustrated and feeling lousy....she is ok with the fact that the baby isn't ready to come out yet. When she is ready....it will happen. My birthday is on Thursday and it would be quite a coincidence if the baby was born on that day. I would say that my mom had a hand in that one. My dad thinks that the baby decided to be a boy and needs more time to grow a penis. LOL Whatever dad! Girls can play with trains. I did. We'll see what happens.

My birthday is coming in a few days. I don't think anyone in my family will even remember my birthday. My mom was always in charge of that stuff. Birthdays & holidays will never be the same. Maybe its best they don't remember. There really isn't any reason to celebrate anyway.

Update.....Erin is now heading back to the hospital. Blood pressure is too high. This dr needs to make up her mind. Just do a c-section and be done with it. This back-n-forth business is nuts.

Alexis's Angel

I miss my mom a lot. I think about her every single day. Baby Alexis is due to arrive at any time. Erin is in the hospital as I write this and is being induced. It is very bittersweet. I am excited to finally meet Baby Alexis....but it breaks my heart that my mom is not here to see her first grandchild being born. She would have spoiled that baby terribly. Life is just so unfair. What did my mom do to deserve this? My life is so empty without her. Sure, I will have a baby neice to bring some joy into my life...but she will never fill the void that my mothers death has left in me. A piece of me is gone forever.

I love you mom. I miss you so much. I hope that you are watching over Erin while she is preparing to bring your beautiful grand daughter into this world.

A small step

Today I went to a fundraiser for a organization called Cornerstone of Hope. I dragged my friend Linda with me because I didn't want to go alone. It is an orgization for grief counciling. A friend of mine volunteers there and asked if I would donate one of my rock hall photographs for their silent auction they were having this weekend. I got to draw the winning ticket for my picture. More importantly....I signed up for classes. They have an 8 week session. Once a week for two hours. We took a tour of the building...it is a beautiful place and I think I need to go. The counciling in free. I know I need help. I hate admitting it. I needed to take that small step today...to get me closer to the bigger step I need to take in asking for help.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. I know that all of the stress and anxiety and depression has taken its toll on my body. I used the blood pressure machine at CVS last week and got a reading of 155/110. NOT GOOD! And I am already on blood pressure pills. So...I rushed to the dr the next day and my reading was 140/100...not much better. She changed my meds a bit. I have to go back in a month and see how it is working. I have other issues that need to be delt with as well...but I really I am not fond of doctors right now. My dad also has some new health issues arrising and all I can say is PLEASE LORD....NO MORE. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE STRESS AND SADNESS. PLEASE LET MY FAMILY BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY FOR AWHILE. DON'T WE DESERVE THAT???? I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so sick of crying. Please let me be happy for awhile.

Nostalgic

The Bash For Bev was a success. All (most) of my close friends and family were there to celebrate my mom. I passed out old recipes and forget-me-not seeds to everyone. It feels like a mission to do everything I can to keep my moms spirit alive. I hope everyone will try her recipes and plant the seeds and think of her. I think everyone had a good time. Frank manned the grill (THANK YOU FRANK), Dustin mixed cement so the kids (and Linda) could make stepping stones (THANK YOU DUSTIN). And everyone else just ate, drank, browsed recipes and old pictures, we toasted my mom. It was a nice day. I hope she was looking down on us.

I also had my 20 year class reunion the night before. It was fun. I wasn't excited about going....but went anyway. I told myself I'd stay an hour and stayed four. Oddly enough...I hung out with the guy who made my life hell in Junior High. He picked on me terribly, called me fat, said the ground shook when I walked. He was as fat as me at the time...so in defense....I had to call him fat. He came back to school after one summer break...he was thin, and he never made fun of me again. I never forgot that. He apologized several times for picking on me and we had a good time.

Since then...I've been feeling nostaligic and have been going through old pictures. I have boxes of pictures. I have artwork from my days in Commerical Art. I saved alot of things from my younger years. Yet....why am I keeping all this stuff? Who will want my things when I die??? If I never get married or have kids...what will happen to all my posessions when I die? Who will care about my photographs, all of my memories, my autographs of famous musicians? All of my belongings? I have cool stuff. Will it go in the garbage? To Good Will? My cats? Will they end up on the streets? I thought alot about my mom yesterday. I feel guilty about selling her things...I know she is probably furious that we are getting rid of her posessions. She thought everything was valuable...but there is just way too much to keep. I am hanging on to things that are important to me...but I can't keep everything. Nor can Brian and Erin. I took Erin to visit my friend Teresa who just had a baby girl on tuesday. I hoped it would ease her fears about child birth since she will be delievering soon. I looked at little Natalie and wonder what Alexis will look like. Does my mom already know? I ended up in tears on the drive home because I miss my mom so much and it breaks my heart that she isn't here to see her Grand Daughter. Life isn't fair.

I feel terrible

Awhile back...I remember my mom being frustrated because she couldn't find her apples squares recipe. She made them all the time. Loved them. She thought it got thrown out somehow...when she was going through her recipes. She knew it was out of the Plain Dealer. She even called there and had someone try and track the recipe down. I can't remember if they found it....BUT.....it seems I had the recipe all along. I have a few pages out of her binders and it was on the backside of one of the recipes I make. I started bawling when I saw it. I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry I made you do all that searching for nothing. I wish you could hear my apology.

Erin came home from the hospital they other day...only to go back in today. She was released after a few hours. Her blood pressure was through the roof again. Her protien count is about 280 and over 300 is a sign of preclamsia (sp?). If they cannot get things stablized....baby Alexis will be arriving alot sooner than planned.

Now what?

I came home from work today only to find out that my sis-n-law is in the hospital. First thing I thought of was problems with the baby. Erin's blood pressure is extremely high and they don't know why. Her blood tests are fine. The baby seems to be ok and Erin feels fine otherwise. They are keeping her overnight to give her meds and monitor her. Please say a prayer that everything is ok.

Will it be a good day or bad day?

Tomorrow is a busy day. Gerry is going to be on Regis & Kelly. What time is that on??? I don't ever watch that show. I have to go pick up my car from the repair shop in Streetsboro. I want to take flowers from the garden to the cemetary. I picked a rose from my moms yard and have it in the arrangement. Then....dad goes for a colonoscopy. I have had a nervous feeling all week. I pray that everything is ok. It has to be ok. I can't take anymore stress and upset in my life. I just can't. Then I am meeting my girlfriends for dinner at Aladdins in Independence and then its to see my man Gerard Butler in "The Ugly Truth." I am so excited to see this movie. Everytime I see his face....I am taken back to the moment he and I were face to face, when I met him last Sept. at the Toronto Film Festival. OH...I love that man!!!

I am excited to get out of the house, be with my friends and have a good time.
I hope its a good day.

I found it!

I found the stuffing recipe! Well....at least I think its the recipe she used. The recipe is vague with ingredient amounts...and I think my mom always went by memory from having made it for so many years. I am going to have to have a trial run (or two) before Thanksgiving. That stuffing is family tradition. Everyone in the family made it, and still makes it. It was being made before I was even born. It needs to live on. I pray I don't ruin tradition.

I've been in tears for the last few hours as I sat going through some of her cookbooks. She had about a dozen binders of recipes she has cut out and collected over the years. Some of them take me back to my childhood. I look at all these recipes.....she wrote "Make!" next to the ones that she thought sounded really good. She won't ever have the chance to make them. My father will have to suffer with my cooking or worse...his cooking (which consists of bacon & eggs or Mrs' T's Pierogi's) for the rest of his life. He won't have my mom to make meatloaf or potato pancakes or roasts or all the other homestyle cooking she liked to do. I know how to cook...but my style isn't like hers. I don't think I can live up to her.