Faithless

A dear family friend recommended I should journal to help get my feelings out. I thought....maybe that would be a good idea. It might help. The other day I saw a talk show segment about a man who lost his wife after she gave birth to their baby girl. He started a blog to document his struggles and triumphs in raising his daughter alone. It was amazing...the outpouring of support he got from strangers who read his blog. I thought...maybe I should try blogging. I need all the help and support I can get right now.

So...here I am.
Here is my story.

I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. The closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.

To add fuel to the fire....my dad also has health concerns. On Jan 7th..(in the middle of dealing with my moms issues)...my dad had two seizures in the middle of the night. My mom called me over to help wake him up..but we couldn't. She called 911 and the medics got him to come around. He was moaning and shaking and sweating terribly. It was one of the scariest things I ahve ever witnessed. After he was taken to the hospital in the middle of an ice storm they discovered his blood sugar was very high and his potassium was dangerously low..which is what triggered the seizure. He's doing ok now for the most part....although he still has some other issues.

Honestly...how much can a person take before they break? I can't handle all this.

From the moment she went to the ER in December...I have been praying. I have the most wonderful friends who adore my mom and they have been praying for her as well. It seems prayer hasn't worked. I feel GOD has betrayed my family. I want so much to believe that GOD is with us.....but I don't feel him. I need to find hope and faith. Right now....I am faithless. All the praying seems to have been for nothing. My mom is ready to fight. She keeps saying that she has this...inner strength. Something she feels that she can't really explain. She wants to be here to see her first grandchild. My brother and sister-in-law are expecting in September.

We need a miracle.

I am 37 years old and have never been married. Up until now...I have been ok with being single. But it is times like this that I wish I had someone to help hold me together. At night, when I am alone...I crumble. I have never been so scared in my life. I can't image a life without my mother. I know its part of life. We live, then we die. That doesn't make it any easier.

I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause.

I love you mom.