Ever since all this started happening...my stress and anxiety level has gone through the roof. It's very hard for me to concentrate on anything. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily) we are slow at work, so I don't have alot to concentrate on. From the moment I wake up till I go to sleep I feel like my skin is on fire. Especially on the back of my neck. Some days I wake up trembling. When I am not at work....I stay home. I have no desire to do anything. I venture across the street to see my folks and maybe go to the grocery store. Thats about it. I am taking paxil but I'm obviously not taking enough to help. I don't want to rely on drugs. I don't want to be a walking zombie (although in some ways I already am one). Friends tell me that I should go to the doctor, find someone to talk to. I can't afford therapy. My health insurance sucks and our hours are cut at work so there is no possible way I could afford weekly visits to a therapist. Maybe I should go back to church...but I never really felt a connection to church. Maybe I should find a new church. I don't want to be preached to. I want to go and be encouraged and feel peace.
I am so blessed to have a wonderful group of friends who love my family and who jump at the chance to help out when asked....but they aren't with me at night when my fears get the best of me. I lay in bed trying to close my eyes but my mind is filled with all the terrible things that are happening to my family. My only relief is Boo. My fat black cat. She lays against me and kneads my side an purrs. It calms me.
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Sandra~I wish like anything that I could be there for you. Maybe going back to church WOULD be a wonderful thing! Most pastors do counseling for free, also. When I was suicidal four years ago that's what got me through. Maybe give it a try. Find a non-denominational church, go to more than one; find one that suits YOU.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your kitty can bring you comfort. There IS something sweet and unconditional about the love of our pets. It is soothing and comforting, and they know when we need it, don't they?
I love you and I'm here - even though I'm 2000 miles away. I'm glad you started blogging. It will help; but I do think maybe finding a church that you can feel comfortable in, and find comfort from the fellowship, will be the best chicken soup.
Love you!
Sandra, Lisa is right sweetie...I think the best thing for you would be to find a church. Pastors or assistant Pastors I'm sure would be willing to counsel you. I think a small bible teaching church, nondenominational ...one that has a woman's group would be wonderful for you ...let them love you and help you find your faith again.
ReplyDeleteYou know that I'm here for you and praying for you everyday.
Love you...
Sandra, the ladies are so right. Finding a church and finding the right niche is an essential part of getting you through a tough time and for better times. Many churches now offer great services as far as counseling goes and as one who has used church therapy, I can attest to the fact it got me through some very rough times. I find strength through my realtionship with God. I am praying daily for your mother and you to find strength and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat hearing your sadness. I hope you know that you have lots of people who care very much for you and wish they could make it all better. Trust that God has a plan and keep the faith Sweetheart. God bless you and thanks for sharing your blog.
hi Sandra... I'm glad you have found this outlet to vent your emotions. I've always found release in writing in my journals - it was my only source of sanity during my darkest days. So, write away. And know your friends are listening, and we CARE - more than you could ever know. I'm with you... and I hope you know that. God bless you & your family - hang on tightly to eachother and you will draw strength from eachother. Hugs to your sweet Mom.
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