A million tiny pieces

I keep seeing my mom lying lifeless in my dads bed. She died in his bed. It kills me to think about it yet every time I close my eyes thas what I see. My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces and I don't think it will ever be put back together. I sat at the cemetery yesterday and just cried. I feel so alone. As predicted...the phone has stopped ringing, the emails have slowed. People have gone on with their regularly scheduled lives (as they should). I am left to to try and live a life that I really don't care to live without my mom. No....I am not suicidal...I just..........feel that life isn't worth living right now. I am tired, lonely, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed.

People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.

I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.

Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.

It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.