Dreams. Signs.

Everyone keeps telling me that my mom will come to me. I'll see her somehow. Her longtime friend Toni told me a few weeks ago that she had a dream about my mom. She was wearing blue, and her skin looked smooth and she looked at peace. Toni woke up and said her heart felt lighter and she knew that my mom was at peace. Since then I've been hoping I'd have that type of dream. Well...I had a dream, but it wasn't like Toni's. There was desperation in my dream, like she had been searching for me. I don't remember exactly what she said...but I could tell that she was relieved to find me. Maybe she was acting that was because she knows I have been so desperate to see a sign from her and she has been trying to find a way to reach me. I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff. Signs from God and lost loved ones and all that.

When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.

I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.

Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.