Am I more talented than a 5th grader?

We got to play in the art room tonight. Well...it wasn't exactly all fun and games. We were asked to look at a list of emotions that we associate with the loss we have experienced...then pick a color of tissue paper to associate with that emotion. We got glue and big paint brushes and had to glue the tissue paper to a piece of white paper. This is what my emotions look like...

Some of the ladies got really creative and cut out shapes for each of their emotions. I just tore the paper, except for the hearts. Pink and red are for love. The love of my mother and feeling surrounded by the love of friends and family during the days of her funeral. The red cut out heart however...is for the the emptiness I feel. Its for the whole in my heart because my mother is gone. The orange is anxious. Purple is for helpless and exhausted. These two colors relate to when my mom was still alive. The constant worrying about test results. Worrying if she was going to eat that day or if she was going to be in pain. Exhausted from the worrying and crying. Not so much a physical exhaustion...but mental. I couldn't wait to fall asleep so my mind would stop. Green is envy. I envy everyone who still has their mom. I can't go shopping with her anymore. We can't bake together anymore. I'm envious of my sister-n-law for having the most amazing dream about my mom. Where is mine? All the shades of blue are for various sad emotions. Depressed, sad, miserable...etc. Pretty self-explanitory I think. Black is loneliness and fear. When a loved one dies....all your friends and family are around for those first few days...maybe weeks. But its now.....months later when I need those friends and family. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I need the occasional phone call or email to see how I'm doing. Sadly...those don't come much any more. I may not be as lonely if I had a boyfriend to lean on.....but love seems to keep evading me. It seems I am destined to be alone. Lonely. Yes...alone and lonely are two different things. I am both. Fear.....I fear death. I fear cancer. I fear my father dying and being totally alone. I fear doctors. I have panic attacks days before my appointments.

Welcome to my life. Lovely isn't it? Should I get my artwork framed???

I forgot all ready

I didn't do so well with the writing down of three positive things that got me through the day on my last post. Here I go...

1. I got out and walked. Breathed in the fresh air.
2. I took pictures. I took my camera with me on my walk and photographed the beautiful fall leaves.
3. It was an easy day at work.
4. I saved a tiny little mouse from the jaws of death.

I'm still waiting....

My sister in law called me the other day...all excited because she had the most incredible dream about my mom. She told me about it later that night. Her and I were planning a party to introduce everyone to Alexis. She saw my mom standing outside the their swingset. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She ran outside and asked my mom how she was able to be here. She said God let her come for this special day. Erin noticed that her hair was dark and asked my mom about it. She said...yes I went darker because I always liked this look best. Erin asked her if she was ok, if she was not suffering and if she is with her family. My mom sad that she is not suffering any more and she is happy. Her mom (my grandma) is there with her but said that my father (my grandpa) is still roaming the earth. Erin told her how happy she was that my mom was able to see Alexis this one time and my mom said....Erin, I'm the one that brought her to you. She went on to tell Erin that she loves us all, that she checks in on us and that she is ok.

I was in tears as Erin was telling me this. What an incredible dream. Where is mine???????? I'm the one who needs it most! How long do I have to wait??? Why won't she come to me??? Does she know that I cry myself to sleep every night because I miss her so much? I just need a sign.

Three things

Todays group was helpful. I didn't cry as much today. I actually think that my fellow "grievers" are more insightful than the councelors. Its really comforting to be in a room full of people who understand. Who turn to you after you say something and go "I know exactly what you mean."

I mentioned that I write in a blog and that I recently read back thru all of my old enteries and said how miserable and depressing they were. It seems that I only write here when I am sad. Someone mentioned keeping a journal and making a point to write down three positive things that helped you get thru the day. I am going to give it a try. While I may only write here when I am sad....I will try and end my entry with a few positive things.

This might be harder than I thought. Sadly...I can only think of one today.
I saw a really cute guy and he made me smile. He always makes me smile.

Busy busy

I went to visit my beautiful little neice yesterday. I just looked at her and she starred back at me. I got teary-eyed while I was holding her. I whispered in her ear....."your grandma loves you". We dressed her up in her halloween outfits so I could take pictures. The poor little thing....every time I come around flash bulbs are going off in her face.

Tonight is week three of my grief support group. The last two have been really hard on me and I hope today is a little better. The last two meetings..I have left feeling more miserable than I did before I got there. They keep saying that the first few meetings are the hardest.

It's a busy week this week. Usually I have nothing going on, but this week every night is booked up. Tomorrow I have meetings downtown during the day for work. then a few friends are coming over to carve pumpkins. I am looking forward to a night with the girls. Friday dad is having hernia surgery. Of course he schedules it on my day off so I am the one who has to take him. I really don't want to sit at the hospital. Since my mom.....I don't want to be anywhere near a hospital. I guess I can go see the new Gerry movie that comes out...but I really don't want to go alone and I don't know where any theaters are in Parma. What to do?

Haunting memories

Tonight was my second grief support meeting. It was just about as rough as the first one. Once again I was quiet vocal. Mostly through tears...but I talked. A lady whos 20 year old daughter died of lukemia in july...spoke this week. She couldn't speak last week. It turns out that her and I have a similar problem. We both have visions that haunt us. I was not there when my mom died. When I entered the bedroom where she layed...I saw a lifeless body with dried vomit streamed down the sides of her face. I have not been able to get that picture out of my head. It tells me that she did not die peacefully. That perhaps she was struggling and uncomfortable and in pain when she died. That kills me. Everytime I see that image...I die alittle more inside. The lady who lost her daughter...was in the hospital with her when she passed. Her daughter was gasping for a breath and blood started dripping from her mouth. She too is haunted by that vision. The counceloring tell us that once we start to heal...those haunting images will be replaced with a happy image of our loved one. I hope that happens soon.

I came home tonight...exhausted and emotionally drained. I saw a box (not my cat that is still missing) on my front porch and wondered what it was. Then I remembered the stone I ordered for my "Peace Garden" I am putting in for my mom. The stone is engraved with a saying that my good friend Lisa had put on a picture she had made for me after my mom died. It reads..."if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." So the crying starts all over again.

I put the stone in the garden and started walking the street in heels crying like a baby and calling for my cat. It's not like her to not come home. She loves me. She follows me everywhere. Where is she? Is she hurt? Hungry? Does someone have her? Is she trapped somewhere? Is she dead? I keep looking out the front door to see if she is there. She isn't.

Lucy.....come home!

Alittle help would be nice Mom.

I didn't think something as trival as making stuffing would get me so upset. Over the weekend I was visiting my beautiful little neice and Erin asked if we wanted to come to their house for Thanksgiving. I said sure...since I have no idea how to make a turkey. Why didn't I pay more attention in the kitchen when my mom was cooking all these years???? I said I'd like to try and make her stuffing. It's actually the stuffing that everyone on my moms side of the family has made. My Grandma, Great Aunts Annie & Nunu (omg.....I don't even know how to spell Nunu...it was my Aunt Helens nickname. No one called her Helen. Everyone called her Nunu. I guess my Uncle Jerry couldn't pronounce Helen...so he called her Nunu. She went by that name from that point on). My mom and Aunt Sharon made the stuffing too. I never paid attention to how she made it. I told her I wanted her to teach me...but I was too late. In preparation for Thanksgiving...I thought I'd better practice so I get it right. I have tried twice now and have failed miserably. Her recipe is very vague and so I am not sure what part I am doing wrong. There aren't many ingredients...so there aren't many things to mess up. I feel like a failure. I want so bad to get it right. It's important to me. It's important that this recipe is carried on. I want my mom to be proud of me. I don't want to let her down. I wish she would come to me in a dream and tell me what to do. I need help. Please mom. Help me.

Was this a good idea?

Today I went to my first grief support group meeting. I cried the entire time I was there. I was hoping there would be some hot single guy there who lost his mom but no such luck. From 6:00 to 6:30 there is food and refreshments and the groups that are meeting that night can mingle together until their meetings start. I meet a lady who lost her husband. He died of cancer. She has two types of cancer as well. I asked how she was doing. She said she stopped treatments. She had planned to die before her husband. It didn't work out that way. He left first and now she is alone. She has given up. I think she just wants to be with her husband and so she has decided to stop her treatments and let nature take its course until she is with him again. It was very sad. My group consists of mostly women, with several who have lost their moms. One lady had a very similar story to mine. She lost her mom a week after mine and her mom was a year younger than mine. Her mother also died of cancer. I felt a bond to her immediately. Everyone had equally heartbreaking stories. One lady lost her son. They found his body lying next to railroad tracks. She still doesn't know the cause of his death. Another woman lost her daughter. She couldn't even speak about it tonight. Suprisingly..I spoke alot. I am usually silent in situations like that. I rarely spoke up at my weight watchers meetings. I guess I feel that if I speak out loud....I am getting things OUT. We were asked what we hoped to get out of this group. I don't know what I want out of this group. I guess I want to just go somewhere where there are others that understand and can relate to what I am going through. I feel guilty that I keep bringing up my mom to everyone around me. I feel like...I am forcing them to think of her. Is that wrong? Maybe they don't want to think of her any longer. She is gone...and thats it. Everyone has moved on...they are living their lives. I just don't want them to forget her. Tonight was mentally exhausting. I hope I can make it through the next 8 weeks. I know I need to be there. I just hope I can handle it.

I love you mom. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know you want me to live my life and be happy. Its so hard. I miss you so much. I thought I had been doing ok these last few weeks but tonight the flood gates have opened and every emotion I have has been pouring out. The pain......is unbearable.

Reality Bites

My dads Tuesday routine includes a visit to the cemetery on the way to pick up his papers for his paper route. He called me to let me know that the gravestone had be put in. I decided to go after work to have a look. Staring down at the stone with my moms name on it hit me like a ton of bricks. Its true......she really is dead and she's never coming back. I am standing above her. Her body is underground with the dirt and the bugs. She doesn't belong there. She belongs with her family and her new grand daughter. I stood there crying for several minutes.

I watched a man laying next to a grave. He just layed there. I wondered who he was there for. Was it his mom? A wife? I couldn't stay any longer. Why do we even go visit cemeteries??? If our soul leaves our body when we die....then what lies beneath the ground with the dirt and bugs is just a shell. The people we love are not there. So why do we go and stand at their grave and cry? I don't know. All I know is that my mom is dead. She is not with me....and I will never be the same.

Speechless

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine today. She lives in Michigan. A few years ago...she came in contact with black mold and she has been fighting for her life since then. I took up donations for her and sent a care package up to her. We were able to buy a few hundred dollars worth of gift cards and a few other things. My mom and dad even donated. I have only met her once. We met at a Kip Winger concert and became friends and chat online alot. My parents have never met her.

She was looking for a way to help others instead of focusing on her illness. So she applied to train puppies to become guide dogs. She got a puppy last week and named her Melody.

This is part of her blog......
I had the honor of naming her, and that's what she is to me, a melody. Music is my lifeblood, and it surrounds me and fills me, reflects my sorrows and my triumphs in its lyrics and its orchestration. And just as though music is always by my side, she is...delicately prancing along happily in her dainty way, in this beautiful symphony of emotions that moves you. She is light, and airy, and sweet, and beloved, just like a melody is to me. And her middle name on her certificate? It's Bev....for a woman I've never met and never will this side of heaven, but even so, taught me precisely what it was like to give to someone in need who you don't know, but who's story has tugged at your heartstrings. And in Bev's honor, I'm going to do the exact same thing.....I'm going to give Melody eventually to a person I may never meet, but who's plight is near to my heart and who I'd give anything to make better.


I cried when I read that. I am speechless. I feel like my lifes mission is to ensure my moms memory lives on and Becca has helped me with that.

Thank you Becca.

Rainbows and babies

I saw two rainbows across from the hospital today. They were beautiful against the dark sky. I thought of my mom. Was that her smiling over baby Alexis? I have to believe it was. It makes me feel better.

Only parents and grandparents are allowed in to see the baby because she is in NICU. They granted me permission in place of my mom, since she is not with us. So I feel very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to see her. Her birth was a bit scary....she had to be given CPR because she wasn't breathing on her own. But she is doing very well now. I went in the NICU with Brian and Erin tonight because Erin was able to feed her for the first time. I felt....overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't stop smiling as I starred at this beautiful little life. I haven't felt joy and happiness in............I don't know how long. It feels like forever. I am so thrilled to be an Aunt. I have to make my mom proud and spoil that little girl, like I know she would.

Welcome beautiful baby Alexis.

Still waiting

My sis-n-law went into the hospital to be induced a few days ago. She is now back at home...without a baby (in hand). They tried inducing...but she wasn't dilating much...so they sent her home to rest for a few days and then they will try again. She says that my mom wants to hang on to her alittle while longer...before introducing her to the world. Although Erin is frustrated and feeling lousy....she is ok with the fact that the baby isn't ready to come out yet. When she is ready....it will happen. My birthday is on Thursday and it would be quite a coincidence if the baby was born on that day. I would say that my mom had a hand in that one. My dad thinks that the baby decided to be a boy and needs more time to grow a penis. LOL Whatever dad! Girls can play with trains. I did. We'll see what happens.

My birthday is coming in a few days. I don't think anyone in my family will even remember my birthday. My mom was always in charge of that stuff. Birthdays & holidays will never be the same. Maybe its best they don't remember. There really isn't any reason to celebrate anyway.

Update.....Erin is now heading back to the hospital. Blood pressure is too high. This dr needs to make up her mind. Just do a c-section and be done with it. This back-n-forth business is nuts.