Will it be a good day or bad day?

Tomorrow is a busy day. Gerry is going to be on Regis & Kelly. What time is that on??? I don't ever watch that show. I have to go pick up my car from the repair shop in Streetsboro. I want to take flowers from the garden to the cemetary. I picked a rose from my moms yard and have it in the arrangement. Then....dad goes for a colonoscopy. I have had a nervous feeling all week. I pray that everything is ok. It has to be ok. I can't take anymore stress and upset in my life. I just can't. Then I am meeting my girlfriends for dinner at Aladdins in Independence and then its to see my man Gerard Butler in "The Ugly Truth." I am so excited to see this movie. Everytime I see his face....I am taken back to the moment he and I were face to face, when I met him last Sept. at the Toronto Film Festival. OH...I love that man!!!

I am excited to get out of the house, be with my friends and have a good time.
I hope its a good day.

I found it!

I found the stuffing recipe! Well....at least I think its the recipe she used. The recipe is vague with ingredient amounts...and I think my mom always went by memory from having made it for so many years. I am going to have to have a trial run (or two) before Thanksgiving. That stuffing is family tradition. Everyone in the family made it, and still makes it. It was being made before I was even born. It needs to live on. I pray I don't ruin tradition.

I've been in tears for the last few hours as I sat going through some of her cookbooks. She had about a dozen binders of recipes she has cut out and collected over the years. Some of them take me back to my childhood. I look at all these recipes.....she wrote "Make!" next to the ones that she thought sounded really good. She won't ever have the chance to make them. My father will have to suffer with my cooking or worse...his cooking (which consists of bacon & eggs or Mrs' T's Pierogi's) for the rest of his life. He won't have my mom to make meatloaf or potato pancakes or roasts or all the other homestyle cooking she liked to do. I know how to cook...but my style isn't like hers. I don't think I can live up to her.

Bittersweet

Today was a hard day. It was a happy occasion because we were celebrating baby-to-be Alexis at Brian & Erin's Baby Shower. But it was also a very sad day for me and my family because I know my mom wanted more than anything to be there. We honored her by making a seat for her and lighting a candle next to a picture of her. A friend of Erin's was kind enough to buy a grandmother bracelet and we put it next to the picture. Needless to say....I've been in tears all day. It was a loverly shower. I was very happy that a few relatives, a few of my friends and several family friends came to represent my mom and our side of the family. She got lots of great gifts. Alexis will be dressed in style. I bought a bunch of cute little outfits, the baby bath tub Erin wanted and I re-finished my moms play high chair that her father built for her. My dad gave a toy box that Erin wanted. And then there was the cross-stitch from my mom. I couldn't even take pictures because I was crying so much. My friend Linda spent every night for the last two months finishing it for my mom. I told my mom when she was in the hospital the last time, that I was going to have Linda finish it and she was so happy that someone was willing to do that for her. I wish my mom would have been able to finish it...but things just didn't work out that way. It turned out beautifully and I am so grateful that Linda offered to do it. The last time my mom was in the hospital (I knew things were very bad), I took a notepad with me and asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to the baby. I wrote down her random thoughts. I took her thoughts and composed them into a letter to Alexis. The letter......is attached to the back of the picture and one day when Alexis is old enough...I hope that Brian and Erin will read that letter to her and tell her what a wonderful grandma she had.

I hope I made you proud today mom.

Not the same

My mom enthusiastically supported my Gerard Butler obsession. I think my love for him rubbed off on her a bit because she asked me for a picture of him and she put it up on her fridge. I'm sure my dad loved that. She was leary about me driving to Toronto last September to try and meet him...because even though I was meeting people there...I was driving up alone. I got to meet Gerry and my mom was the first person I called. He has a new movie coming out called The Ugly Truth and its getting alot of press. He is on the cover of Esquire magazine. After searching about 8 stores...I finally found a copy. I was so thrilled to get my hands on it...I wanted to show it to everyone! I brought the magazine over to my dads yesterday to look at while the garage sale was going on. I decided to show him. Sadly......he is not as enthusiastic about Gerry as my mom was. He said....."I don't think he's that good looking." OMG...he's only the sexiest man on the planet! Surely you can see that!!! UGH!!! I miss my mom. She would have drooled over the magazine with me. It's just not the same without her here. Everything in my life is different now. Everything.

Cookies

Teresa and I made my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies over the weekend. They don't look as nice as my moms. I don't know what we did wrong....we followed the recipe. My mom just had the special touch I guess. I pulled out all of her binders of recipes she has clipped and saved. I need to spend a day looking through them. She loved to cook. The amount of cookbooks and recipes she had was incredible. I don't think I'll ever be as good a cook as she was.

Happy 4th.

My dad and I spent the day with our former neighbors. They moved to Twinsburg...in a bigger house. I'm so sad they moved, but who can blame them....their new house is beautiful. We went to see fireworks in Solon. It was a nice day. It was good to get out and get my mind off things. I only cried a little today...which is an improvement over the last several days. Thank you Frank & Faith....for inviting my dad and I over so we didn't have to be alone. Everything was great. Tell Tyler to take good care of his new bear. I know my mom would be happy that he has it.

Don't care

Today.....I don't care if I live or die. My life isn't worth living right now. I've had chest pains all day today and almost drove myself to the ER...but I decided to go home instead. My nerves are shot and I think I've been having a panic attack.

I can't seem to do anything right. I've been fighting with my sis-n-law for what I feel is a legit reason for me to be upset. She doesn't see it that way.

I want my mom back. Nothing is right without her.

Amazing Grace

Today was a bad day...and for no apparent reason. I have been in tears all day. I am worried about my dad, worried about my finances, worried about my brother & sister-n-law and the troubles they are having. I can't go a day without worrying about something. Its taking a toll on me. I'm just tired. I'm tired, but afraid to stop moving. I have been working my butt off and have swollen feet to prove it.

My sister-n-law called me today to ask me if there was anything we could make for the shower that my mom loved, or would have made. So now on top of eveything else...I have to attempt to make my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies. I've never made them before. I hope I can make her proud and do a good job. Maybe someone will help me.

I am sitting on my front porch with a few candles lit. Feeling the cool breeze, and listening to the wind chimes I bought in honor of my mom. They have the lyrics to Amazing Grace imprinted on each chime. I love them. Ugh...now the beautiful sounds of the chimes are ruined by the obnoxious sounds of the neighbor I hate coming home. So much for that.

I feel a bit more at peace than I did earlier today. Of course that could all change by tomorrow.

Dreams. Signs.

Everyone keeps telling me that my mom will come to me. I'll see her somehow. Her longtime friend Toni told me a few weeks ago that she had a dream about my mom. She was wearing blue, and her skin looked smooth and she looked at peace. Toni woke up and said her heart felt lighter and she knew that my mom was at peace. Since then I've been hoping I'd have that type of dream. Well...I had a dream, but it wasn't like Toni's. There was desperation in my dream, like she had been searching for me. I don't remember exactly what she said...but I could tell that she was relieved to find me. Maybe she was acting that was because she knows I have been so desperate to see a sign from her and she has been trying to find a way to reach me. I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff. Signs from God and lost loved ones and all that.

When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.

I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.

Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.

Worry free summer? Please!

Dad went for blood tests this morning. Part of his annual or bi-annual (not sure how often he goes) checkup. I pray that everything is ok. I just want a calm, stress-free existence for awhile. I am so tired of worrying. I have trouble sleeping. We got baby monitors and I have the parent monitor at my house so that if he were to have another "episode," I would hear it (hopefully). They work.....but not as well as I would like. The reception isn't the best. He goes on the 1st to be fitted for his sleeping mask and another sleep study.

My moms dill has spread like crazy this summer. It is all over the back flower beds. I cut some and put it in the bouquet I took to the cemetery. Maybe dill will start sprouting up all over her grave site.

A million tiny pieces

I keep seeing my mom lying lifeless in my dads bed. She died in his bed. It kills me to think about it yet every time I close my eyes thas what I see. My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces and I don't think it will ever be put back together. I sat at the cemetery yesterday and just cried. I feel so alone. As predicted...the phone has stopped ringing, the emails have slowed. People have gone on with their regularly scheduled lives (as they should). I am left to to try and live a life that I really don't care to live without my mom. No....I am not suicidal...I just..........feel that life isn't worth living right now. I am tired, lonely, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed.

People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.

I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.

Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.

It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.

Lonely

I'm lonely today. I have no one to do anything with...so I am sitting outside at my picnic table starring at the charred house next door to me.

I had to give a 10 minute recorded statement to my neighbors insurance company about what I knew about the fire. Then she proceeds to tell me that under Ohio law...the homeowner isn't necessarily responsible for damage to my house unless negligence is determined to be responsible for the fire. WTF? These fucking insurance companies are crooks. I hope they rule the fire was due to negligence, I don't have $1000 for my deductible. It has been my understanding that a candle was left unattended. That sounds negligent to me. So now I have to play the waiting game with her insurance company. They have to wait until the official report comes in from the fire dept. I called and told my insurance agent about this and she said that some companies follow that law...mine doesn't follow that law...they will pay. Her's (Allstate) says they don't have to pay. It's awful what happened. I feel so terrible for Cindy. I hope she doesn't have any problems with the insurance company.

I need my mom. I miss her. My life is so empty without her.