I'm fine.

I'm fine. I go about my day. Get up, go to work, do what needs to be done. Life seems to be normal. Then....out of nowhere, it hits me like a freight train...."my mom is dead." Suddenly my world goes from normal, to........not normal. To a life without my mom. And I start wondering how the hell I am going to make it through the rest of my life without her.

We read this at my support group last night.

I am alive. I will survive.
I am healing. I surrender to the process of healing.
I will find my "new normal."
I am healing naturally.
I am gentle with myself.
My broken heart is mending.
I am stronger.
I have the courage to grow.
I am grateful for so much.
I will invest in my healing process.
I will keep living and appreciate life in new ways.
I will ask for help when I need it.
Disappointments and hurts will not destroy me.
My patience will outlast my pain.

Everyone talks about this "new normal," I want my old normal back. Everyone in my group seems like they are making progress. I don't think I've made any. We only have one session left. I truly hope I stay in contact with these ladies because they are the only ones who understand my pain. They are wonderful people and we have bonded. Sooner or later my friends are going to get tired of me crying and whining about my dead mother. I love my friends dearly and as kind and caring as they may be...I know they will eventually start wondering....when I'm gonna get over it and move on. I wouldn't blame them. I don't think I'll ever get over it. My life is forever changed. One of the ladies commented that she would like to see us all smile and actually mean it. It's hard to smile. It's even harder to laugh. I put on a happy face as best as I can...but underneath there is a lot of pain. Tears are resting just below the surface...just waiting to come out. I hope one day I can smile and mean it. I hope that one day I can say I'm fine and mean it. I think that day is a long way away.

Honored

I got asked to be a Godmother yesterday. My wonderful friends Teresa & Bill asked me to be a Godmother for baby Natalie. I was having a bad week and hearing that made my day. I feel so honored to have been asked. I'm not sure what a Godmother does.....but I promise I'll try to be a good one.

I do however have one delima. My little neice Alexis is getting baptized on the same day as Natalie. Alexis is getting baptized at 12:30 in Twinsburg and Natalie is getting baptized at 1:15 in Gates Mills. It will take some sort of miracle for me to be able to be at both. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I hope it does. I have two little babies counting on me.

The miracles of technology.....

A voicemail message from October 2008. Makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I miss her so much.

God help me.

I don't need aymore stress in my life. I seriously cannot take it. My body cannot take it. I found out today that my father has not been wearing his sleep apnea mask. He has had it for months and all along I thought he's been wearing it. Not only is he not wearing it....he is sending it back. He says he can't wear it because he moves around too much and it blows in his eye. I don't think he realizes what a serious condition it is. He could die. He doesn't seem to care that it upset me. He thinks that these little baby monitors we have will save him. It would be a miracle if I would hear him if something were to happen. They aren't reliable at the distance we have them and...I'm asleep!!!

I heard my moms voice today. Literally. My dad had voicemail messages from my mom (from last year) on his phone that had never been heard until I went and started deleting his messages because his mailbox was full. I had them made into an mp3 file and now I will never forget her voice. I will always have it. It waas very bittersweet listening to them. I laughed and cried at the same time.

I can already tell that Christmas is going to be awful for me. I have not been able to go into a store and look at holiday stuff with ending up in tears. My mom made Christmas. It won't be Christmas without her. It won't even be worth getting out of bed that day.

Show and Tell

Tonight we had a bit of show and tell at my support group. We were asked to bring in a memory of our loved one so that everyone would be able to put a face with the story. I knew right away what I was going to bring. I showed the recipe scrapbook that I made for her. It wasn't necesarily a memory of her, but of the love everyone had for her. It showed the love she had for cooking. So many people took the time to write down their favorite recipe and gather a few pictures to send me for the project. It was six months in the making and I still remember watching her open it. It got passed around the room and everyone jokingly asked if the stuffing recipe was in there. It has been a sore subject lately. Everyone showed pictures of their loved one. "J" showed pictures of her daughter who died of lukemia at age 20. They got her a puppy and she named the puppy Chemo because he was therapy for her. She is going to have the dog trained to be a hospital therapy dog for sick children going through chemo. I think that is awesome. "L" showed pictures of her son. He was in his 20's. "N" showed pictures of her adorable little brother who was 4 years old I think. "P" shared pictures from a cruise of her mother who had dementia (sp?) It made everyones losses feel all the more real. It made the pain all the more real.

The ladies in my group are wonderful and I feel very lucky to have met them. We were brought together because of a tragedy in our lives and have bonded because of it. I hope we will remain in contact with each other. I'd like to hope we were brought together for a reason. Cornerstone of Hope was suggested to me by my friend Dean. We met on a dating site awhile back, but I can't help but wonder if there was a greater reason for our meeting????? He led me to this wonderful place and I am thankful to him for that.

"A" who lost her son forgot to bring her show and tell item tonight and somehow we got into a discussion on if she had any videos of her son (who was in his 20's) so that she could watch him and hear his voice. Suddenly I remembered the voicemails on my dads cellphone from my mom. I left the meeting and went straight to my dads. Called his voicemail. They were still saved. I stood in the family room in tears with my dad and Woody (friend) starring at me, wondering why I was crying. It was my mom....almost like she came back to life. Her voice filling my ear. I lost it. Tomorrow I will call my dad's cellphone company to see about getting those messages made into mp3's. I've heard it can be done. I don't want to ever forget her voice. It comforts me. I took her coat on the way out. It's been hanging by the back door since she wore it last. I don't think I'll ever wash it.

I don't think I can

What the hell is wrong with me today? I am a complete mess. I went to Kohl's to return a sweater and ended up walking the isles in tears. I saw so many things I could have bought my mom for Christmas. I can't buy her anything. There are snowmen decorations everywhere, she loved snowmen. I can't buy her any of them. I don't know how I am going to make it through the holidays. I don't think I can. I don't think I can.

April 30, 2009

"She told me that she loved me more than her own life....and that when she dies..she will watch over me from heaven. My heart is breaking in a million pieces."

I'm having a meltdown.
Today is a bad day.

Should I be mad?

Do you ever feel like you want to move away and start a new life? Just pack up and leave. Make new friends. I feel that way. I don't want to be known as the sad girl that everyone is tired of listening to when she cries about her problems. I hate being that person. I hate feeling like a charity case. I hate asking for help.

Some of the friends I have that I thought I was very close with, that I've known for 10-20 years....I have hardly heard from since my mom passed. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know....but it bothers me. I know that everyone has their own lives. But....I would have expected a little more from them. Then there are others that are very helpful and suportive until something better comes along to take up their time. Then you are left feeling abandoned. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know...but it bothers me.

I just feel abandoned in general. My mom abandoned me and I am left feeling like a scared little 12 year old who lost her mommy.

Maybe I am pms'ing...but people are pissing me off lately. It seems that I am always the one making the effort to contact people in order to keep in touch. Then it makes me feel like I am being to needy. I have decided I am not going to call anyone or email anyone for awhile. I have a feeling my phone won't be ringing either.



Note to Frank: I know you are reading this and the above statements have nothing to do with you. I love you guys and I miss having you as my neighbors. It was great to see you, Faith and Tyler yesterday.

:-(

I want my mom back.

Am I more talented than a 5th grader?

We got to play in the art room tonight. Well...it wasn't exactly all fun and games. We were asked to look at a list of emotions that we associate with the loss we have experienced...then pick a color of tissue paper to associate with that emotion. We got glue and big paint brushes and had to glue the tissue paper to a piece of white paper. This is what my emotions look like...

Some of the ladies got really creative and cut out shapes for each of their emotions. I just tore the paper, except for the hearts. Pink and red are for love. The love of my mother and feeling surrounded by the love of friends and family during the days of her funeral. The red cut out heart however...is for the the emptiness I feel. Its for the whole in my heart because my mother is gone. The orange is anxious. Purple is for helpless and exhausted. These two colors relate to when my mom was still alive. The constant worrying about test results. Worrying if she was going to eat that day or if she was going to be in pain. Exhausted from the worrying and crying. Not so much a physical exhaustion...but mental. I couldn't wait to fall asleep so my mind would stop. Green is envy. I envy everyone who still has their mom. I can't go shopping with her anymore. We can't bake together anymore. I'm envious of my sister-n-law for having the most amazing dream about my mom. Where is mine? All the shades of blue are for various sad emotions. Depressed, sad, miserable...etc. Pretty self-explanitory I think. Black is loneliness and fear. When a loved one dies....all your friends and family are around for those first few days...maybe weeks. But its now.....months later when I need those friends and family. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I need the occasional phone call or email to see how I'm doing. Sadly...those don't come much any more. I may not be as lonely if I had a boyfriend to lean on.....but love seems to keep evading me. It seems I am destined to be alone. Lonely. Yes...alone and lonely are two different things. I am both. Fear.....I fear death. I fear cancer. I fear my father dying and being totally alone. I fear doctors. I have panic attacks days before my appointments.

Welcome to my life. Lovely isn't it? Should I get my artwork framed???

I forgot all ready

I didn't do so well with the writing down of three positive things that got me through the day on my last post. Here I go...

1. I got out and walked. Breathed in the fresh air.
2. I took pictures. I took my camera with me on my walk and photographed the beautiful fall leaves.
3. It was an easy day at work.
4. I saved a tiny little mouse from the jaws of death.

I'm still waiting....

My sister in law called me the other day...all excited because she had the most incredible dream about my mom. She told me about it later that night. Her and I were planning a party to introduce everyone to Alexis. She saw my mom standing outside the their swingset. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She ran outside and asked my mom how she was able to be here. She said God let her come for this special day. Erin noticed that her hair was dark and asked my mom about it. She said...yes I went darker because I always liked this look best. Erin asked her if she was ok, if she was not suffering and if she is with her family. My mom sad that she is not suffering any more and she is happy. Her mom (my grandma) is there with her but said that my father (my grandpa) is still roaming the earth. Erin told her how happy she was that my mom was able to see Alexis this one time and my mom said....Erin, I'm the one that brought her to you. She went on to tell Erin that she loves us all, that she checks in on us and that she is ok.

I was in tears as Erin was telling me this. What an incredible dream. Where is mine???????? I'm the one who needs it most! How long do I have to wait??? Why won't she come to me??? Does she know that I cry myself to sleep every night because I miss her so much? I just need a sign.