I'm fine.

I'm fine. I go about my day. Get up, go to work, do what needs to be done. Life seems to be normal. Then....out of nowhere, it hits me like a freight train...."my mom is dead." Suddenly my world goes from normal, to........not normal. To a life without my mom. And I start wondering how the hell I am going to make it through the rest of my life without her.

We read this at my support group last night.

I am alive. I will survive.
I am healing. I surrender to the process of healing.
I will find my "new normal."
I am healing naturally.
I am gentle with myself.
My broken heart is mending.
I am stronger.
I have the courage to grow.
I am grateful for so much.
I will invest in my healing process.
I will keep living and appreciate life in new ways.
I will ask for help when I need it.
Disappointments and hurts will not destroy me.
My patience will outlast my pain.

Everyone talks about this "new normal," I want my old normal back. Everyone in my group seems like they are making progress. I don't think I've made any. We only have one session left. I truly hope I stay in contact with these ladies because they are the only ones who understand my pain. They are wonderful people and we have bonded. Sooner or later my friends are going to get tired of me crying and whining about my dead mother. I love my friends dearly and as kind and caring as they may be...I know they will eventually start wondering....when I'm gonna get over it and move on. I wouldn't blame them. I don't think I'll ever get over it. My life is forever changed. One of the ladies commented that she would like to see us all smile and actually mean it. It's hard to smile. It's even harder to laugh. I put on a happy face as best as I can...but underneath there is a lot of pain. Tears are resting just below the surface...just waiting to come out. I hope one day I can smile and mean it. I hope that one day I can say I'm fine and mean it. I think that day is a long way away.