not excited.

I'm not sure why, but lately I seem to do a lot of crying in the car. My ride home tonight was no exception. I drove past countless houses that have their Christmas lights up already. I even saw a Christmas tree up. I can't walk through a Christmas dept. at the store without crying. I wandered aimlessly around Petitti's on sunday looking at all the ornaments. I couldn't hold back the tears, but I needed to get a grip before I got to Teresa's house. I can't imagine its going to get any better. I am.........dreading Christmas. If I had the money, I'd fly somewhere, alone, and not celebrate at all. But..since I can't do that, I have to find a way to deal with the holidays that are looming. I will have my Christmas party because I am hoping that being with my friends will help ease the pain. I know I won't get through the night without crying. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't look forward to anything. I don't get excited about anything. New Moon comes out on thursday. I should be excited. I'm...a little excited. Perhaps thats because its two days away. Neil's Christmas show is on the 11th. I love going. It's always a show I look forward to. I'm not excited. I'm supposed to be going to Hawaii in March. I should be thrilled! How many people get the chance to go to Hawaii???? I'm not excited. I don't know how to be excited anymore. When will I feel better? I don't want to be like this. People ask me to do things, and as much as I need to go out....I don't want to. I need to. I don't want more meds. I don't want to rely on drugs to make me feel better. I just want to feel better. The holidays aren't going to help.