I miss her

I miss my mom. I've spent the last several days going through her things and its heartbreaking to have to sell or donate all the things she loved. There is just so much stuff in that house that things have to go. I have only gone through closets and the garage is full. I put things aside here and there that I want to keep. I wish I could keep everything......I just can't.

I don't feel like I've grieved as much as I should. I cry...I am crying now. But...I thought it would be much worse. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself busy. I wonder if its coming and will hit me like a freight train and I won't be able to get off the couch for days. I did so much crying while she was alive because I was so worried about her. I cried on a daily basis. I had several meltdowns. I miss her so much. I know she doesn't want me to cry...she'd want me to be happy and live my life. The first time she went into the hospital for the surgery (that didn't happen)...I told her how scared I was. She told me she loves me..and should something happen....I would be ok because she would be all around me. She told me she loved me more than her own life. I keep looking for a sign that she is watching over me. I hear about other people experiencing such things. Why can't I???? It would help to restore the faith that I have lost. Sometimes I think maybe she could end up being a ghost because I know she really didn't want to die. I'd be ok with that. At least I'd know she was there. I've not seen any signs of anything. Ghost, angel or otherwise. I don't feel her presence. I only feel pain.