Without her

I have been working in the basement for days and it barely seems like I've put a dent in it. The garage is full so I've had to price things and keep them in bins so that as tables clear out we can just add more items. The sale is officially June 11, 12 & 13th (Frank...let Faith know). I hope we do good.

I have a really hard time going to sleep at night. My mind goes a mile a minute. Last night I was thinking.....if I live the typical life span of a human........I will have to live the next 35-40 years without my mom. It's an overwhelming thought. In going through her things.....there are so many things I wish I could ask her. Who made this quilt? Who's earrings were these? Where did grandma get this? I found the bread machine....how do I make rye bread? I can't talk to her ever again. My dad erased the answering machine message so I can't hear her voice anymore. I am doing as much as I can to honor her memory. I found a tiny cross necklace that I put aside to give to my niece-to-be when she gets baptized. I also found a mobile that says MOM that my brother made when he was a kid. I wanted to give that to my sis-n-law on her first mothers day. I am also going to refinish a doll highchair that my grandfather made for my mom. I'm going to give it to baby-to-be Alexis. My good friends girlfriend gives vintage jewelry new life by putting different pieces together from different necklaces, bracelets...etc. I am giving her lots of my moms old jewelry. I want her to make me something as well. Today I bought a rose plant and planted it in my garden. My mom also loved chimes....and today I found windchimes that have the lyrics to the song Amazing Grace printed on each chime. They were $60 but worth it.....they sound so beautiful...and I have them under my bedroom window. I also am going to make a memorial stepping stone and put it by the rose. While all these things are wonderful....it still doesn't change the fact that she is gone and she is never coming back. I can wear her perfume....but it's still not "her". I can carry a handbag that was hers...but its not her carrying it. I can attempt to make Christmas cookies this december but she won't be there to help me. For the next 35-40 years or for however long my life is........she won't be there.