You know...the more I think about things.....I think it wasn't my mom being punished...its me. I have comitted sins...and I've done things in my life that I am not proud of and maybe God has chosen to punish me by taking my mom from me. It's the only reason I can think of why he would let her die.
Then I hear this......my dad went to the dr. yesterday and he told my dad.."You know, I tried to get your wife to come in for pap tests and physicals and she never wanted to. We've could have found that tumor alot earlier and she could still be here." My mom hated going to the dr. She was scheduled for a blood test about 2 weeks before my xmas party. She cancelled it and when I asked her why....said she wanted to wait until after the holidays. I think she knew something was wrong at that time. Unfortunately...we found out things were wrong before the holidays, but I really do think she knew something was wrong earlier on.
I don't know what to think. Punishment? Was it her doctors not treating her properly or was it my moms fault for not being responsible for her own health? I guess it doesn't really matter because now she is gone and she isn't coming back and I have to face the rest of my life without her. I don't know if I can.
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I've never seen someone be so utterly honest in a blog about their feelings, and I'm so glad for it that you don't censor yourself and just let out what you feel at the time. When someone is taken from us, especially when it's unexpected or without warning, it's just instinct to want to know a definitive reason why--sometimes we find that out in our lifetime of searching for answers, and sometimes we won't until we get to heaven and God explains it to us then. I wish I could give you that reason right now as to why God took your Mom, for your own closure, but I can't. But I CAN tell you what WASN'T the reason: Punishment. I'm convinced of that. And I don't want you spending a minute more blaming yourself for having any hand in it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've read in the Bible about the woman who was going to be stoned for her many sins and pattern of behavior, and she threw herself at Jesus' feet and asked for forgiveness, and He told those around her that he who is blameless could cast the first stone. And of course, no one could. He forgave her, restored her, and told her to be free of the burden of those sins now and do better. We have ALL done things we're so not proud of. We've all screwed up, big-time. If anyone tells you they haven't, they just committed a sin of lying, so there! He died so that those sins were forgiven, though, and remembered no more. And yes, you're right, there will be occasional times in your life, that, because the Lord loves you and wants to bring you back into the fold when you've strayed from Him, He might discipline you somehow with the intent of drawing you closer again, just like a parent disciplines their child with the desire of correcting the bad and repairing the relationship. But that discipline would NEVER mean taking your precious Mom from you, and don't you ever blame yourself for that, okay?
I wondered for the last few years why God gave me the trials that He did, and why He still hasn't taken some away when I've asked. But I trust Him, and His ways are not our ways, and that's why I can't begin to figure out why He allows things that I seemingly never would. Only now, on the other side of this, am I starting to put pieces of the puzzle togther and realizing that in my case, yes, it was horrific what I went through and still am, but there ARE good things that came about as a result, and if I was the sacrifice that He needed to carry out His plan, then I'm okay with that. I'm not saying anything good will come out of what you've experienced, and right now, you just feel like He's stolen something from you, that you got a raw deal, or that He didn't listen. And it just takes a heapload of faith to eventually let that go and just blindly trust that He knows what He's doing, even if you don't.
I cannot begin to understand the loss you feel, and I don't see you finding the reasons why until you're reunited with your Mom again. Just don't hurt yourself unnecessarily by carrying all that guilt, okay?
Have you ever read "The Shack"? Several friends told me I MUST read it and it's a whole new way of looking at horrific things that happen, and why God lets them. A man's daughter is abducted, and he gets angry at God for letting things happen, and years later, God shows him why, and I'm told it's astounding. Just curious. I've been trying to get it from my library and it's hard to come by, because everyone's caught on to it!
Keep writing, sweetie....keep being real.....It's not only helping you, it's helping so many others to read what you express.