One less thing to worry about

My dad went to the doctor today because his kidney function has been decreasing in the last 6 months. All I keep thinking is.....Dear Lord.....please let it be treatable. I can't deal with two sick parents. I am only one person. I can't take all of this. I just can't.

Thankfully....all is good with Dad. Thank God! It seems the diovan (blood pressure pill, I think) he has been on was affecting his kidney function. He's been off of the diovan for several weeks and the kidney function seems to be back to normal.

Thank You Lord. Thank You.
Maybe I should go to church tomorrow.

Long Day

Mom went for her first chemo treatment today. Her appointment was at 11am. I started calling about 3pm....not home yet. I called several times before I left work at 5pm and still no answer. I was starting to worry. They didn't get home until after 5. It seems that they had troubles with her port and getting the proper size needle. She has to go twice a week, every other week. The first day of the week she will be there for about 3 1/2 hours and the 2 day she goes will be a short visit to remove the needle and hose. She will have some side effects, but should not loose her hair. She is also now anemic (spelling?) and her protein levels are really low. I keep trying to force her to eat and drink but it proving to be difficult. I don't know what to cook for them. I need to find things that are quick to prepare. I don't want them to eat Stouffers entrees everyday. I feel exhausted already...and we're just getting started. Any recipe advice is appreciated.

No rest for the weary

I'm off today because my dad is gone to a luncheon & to do his paper route. I decided to stay home to look after my mom since dad is gone all day. I thought I could do some cleaning while I'm there. Their basement is...........a disaster area. I feel sick to my stomach when I go down there. My mom saves EVERYTHING. We need to clean down there...but there is so much stuff. Today I threw away 3 garbage bags of old cannned goods and boxed goods that were out dated. I spent three hours re-arranging her canned goods. After all that...there still isn't enough room on the shelves for all her stuff. I wish I could call that tv show called Clean House and have them come and fix up my parents basement. I have to just work on one small area at a time or else its too overwhelming. My mom gets so mad that I am throwing out her things...but........its things she hasn't used in 10-20 years. It's got to go. No one needs all that stuff.

My mom got a beautiful flower arrangement & teddy bear from The Claflin's yesterday. Everyone has been really wonderful. She gets cards wishing her well in the mail every day. So many people care. It's amazing. Our friends are really wonderful.

Simple Suppers

I actually slept good last night. I think. If I did...then why am I still tired this morning?

I need to look for some recipes today. Neither one of my parents are eating well...and I've gotta make some stuff they can just reheat. My dad has lost 40lbs in the last 6 months and my mom has lost close to 30lbs in a shorter amount of time. I just don't know what to look for. I could differently than my mom does. Nothing tastes good to her lately. I guess its because of what is going on in her body. She needs to eat though. Even her doctors have enforced the fact that she needs to eat. Her protein levels are low.

My dad has lost the weight because of the injections he is taking. I think he needs to stop them. At his last dr visit...they told him his kidneys aren't functioning properly. Is it a conincidence that his kidney function started to decline when he started taking the injections to help his sugar pill? I don't think so.

I think I need to watch a Gerry movie tonight. I was reminiscing about the moment I met him in Toronto in September. A much happier moment in my life. Of course...the first thing I did was call my mom to tell her.

A better day than I thought it would be

Well...today was a day that I have been dreading. Mom had her appointment with the oncologist today. I couldn't get out of bed today...I was paralyzed with fear. I was sure he was going to tell her that it was too late, there was nothing they could do for her. My mom has been staying positive throughout this entire ordeal. She amazes me.

Her appt. Was at 1:45 and I looked out the window at about 3:00 and they were home already. I paniced because I knew that if they started treatments today...she would be there a lot longer. So...of course I get nervous that they were home so quickly. I ran across the street, took a deep breath, and went inside. I first wanted to judge how bad the news was by her mood....and she seemed.......ok.

Her oncologist seems to think that her colon cancer is what came back and in a rare case.....developed a tumor in her uterus (as well as liver...where colon cancer usually returns). While they had her open last week...they did a biopsy on her colon and it tested positive to colon cancer as well. She has a spot on her lung...but the doctor made a point to say that she does not have lung cancer (I guess that is a bad one to get under control). So....her doctor wants to treat her with a combination of three different drugs. He says that the tumors "should" shrink. She will go back to the hospital tomorrow to have a port put in to administer the drugs because her veins keep collapsing. In two months she will go for another catscan to see if things are improving.Despite the fact that my faith has dwindled lately...I have to be thankful that there is still hope. Her doctor said "don't worry...I'll take good care of you." The fact that he didn't say...I'm sorry, but you've only got 6 months to live....is a blessing. There is hope. For my sanity....I have to go on this bit of hope we have been given. I have to.

Almost...but not quite.

I almost went a full day without crying. Then.......I broke down when I said bye to my mom as I was leaving to come home. Now I can't stop. She goes to the cancer center tomorrow and I am so scared. I love my mom so much. She is my lifeline. She is everything to me.

I got on the scale today. I haven't been on it in months. I've lost 20lbs since mid-december. I'm happy to be down 20lbs...but I know it wasn't lost in a healthy manner.

Looking for help

I have been searching the internet for a support group or something. The church I went to as a child is....well, I guess I don't have loyalties to it. I am non-practicing catholic. I just don't know where to go or where to look. I tried going on the United Methodist Church of Macedonia website..but its not working. They always have interesting messages on their sign so I thought I'd look into them. I don't know what else to do. I'm "trying" here...I just have no idea where to look.

Carmen's Day

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I don't like waking up. Sleep is the only time I'm at peace. I dragged myself out of bed and went to Carmens 1st birthday party. I didn't want to go because I knew I'd bring the party down. I went anyway...and as soon as everyone asked how I was...I crumbled. I tried to keep it together for the rest of the party. I stayed a couple hours and then decided to leave. Even though I couldn't show it, it was nice to be with Teresa's family. They are all wonderful people and I feel like they are my extended family.

Happy 1st Birthday Carmen.

My skin is burning

Ever since all this started happening...my stress and anxiety level has gone through the roof. It's very hard for me to concentrate on anything. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily) we are slow at work, so I don't have alot to concentrate on. From the moment I wake up till I go to sleep I feel like my skin is on fire. Especially on the back of my neck. Some days I wake up trembling. When I am not at work....I stay home. I have no desire to do anything. I venture across the street to see my folks and maybe go to the grocery store. Thats about it. I am taking paxil but I'm obviously not taking enough to help. I don't want to rely on drugs. I don't want to be a walking zombie (although in some ways I already am one). Friends tell me that I should go to the doctor, find someone to talk to. I can't afford therapy. My health insurance sucks and our hours are cut at work so there is no possible way I could afford weekly visits to a therapist. Maybe I should go back to church...but I never really felt a connection to church. Maybe I should find a new church. I don't want to be preached to. I want to go and be encouraged and feel peace.

I am so blessed to have a wonderful group of friends who love my family and who jump at the chance to help out when asked....but they aren't with me at night when my fears get the best of me. I lay in bed trying to close my eyes but my mind is filled with all the terrible things that are happening to my family. My only relief is Boo. My fat black cat. She lays against me and kneads my side an purrs. It calms me.

A few days of peace

Mom is home from the hospital today. She goes to the cancer center on wednesday to figure out what happens next. I am happy she is home where she is comfortable. She is with her dogs and dad. My friends and I painted her bedroom for her while she was gone. It was in need of a new paint job...it hadn't been changed since it was my old room. I hope she sleeps well.

Faithless

A dear family friend recommended I should journal to help get my feelings out. I thought....maybe that would be a good idea. It might help. The other day I saw a talk show segment about a man who lost his wife after she gave birth to their baby girl. He started a blog to document his struggles and triumphs in raising his daughter alone. It was amazing...the outpouring of support he got from strangers who read his blog. I thought...maybe I should try blogging. I need all the help and support I can get right now.

So...here I am.
Here is my story.

I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. The closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.

To add fuel to the fire....my dad also has health concerns. On Jan 7th..(in the middle of dealing with my moms issues)...my dad had two seizures in the middle of the night. My mom called me over to help wake him up..but we couldn't. She called 911 and the medics got him to come around. He was moaning and shaking and sweating terribly. It was one of the scariest things I ahve ever witnessed. After he was taken to the hospital in the middle of an ice storm they discovered his blood sugar was very high and his potassium was dangerously low..which is what triggered the seizure. He's doing ok now for the most part....although he still has some other issues.

Honestly...how much can a person take before they break? I can't handle all this.

From the moment she went to the ER in December...I have been praying. I have the most wonderful friends who adore my mom and they have been praying for her as well. It seems prayer hasn't worked. I feel GOD has betrayed my family. I want so much to believe that GOD is with us.....but I don't feel him. I need to find hope and faith. Right now....I am faithless. All the praying seems to have been for nothing. My mom is ready to fight. She keeps saying that she has this...inner strength. Something she feels that she can't really explain. She wants to be here to see her first grandchild. My brother and sister-in-law are expecting in September.

We need a miracle.

I am 37 years old and have never been married. Up until now...I have been ok with being single. But it is times like this that I wish I had someone to help hold me together. At night, when I am alone...I crumble. I have never been so scared in my life. I can't image a life without my mother. I know its part of life. We live, then we die. That doesn't make it any easier.

I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause.

I love you mom.