Crossing Fingers

They tested my moms blood today and her white blood cell count is low. If it is still low on Wednesday...they can't give her chemo. I pray she gets her treatment. She can't miss treatments. Why can't things just go as scheduled?

Will it be a good week?

Sunday was an "ok" day. I guess I base it on how much stress and drama I have to deal with. I think some of her issues with feeling weak and unsteady on her feet are in her head. I don't doubt she is weak. I can see that she is...but I think she makes it worse by thinking she is going to fall when she hasn't even stood up yet. Does that make sense?

Today my mom goes for a blood test to make monitor the blood thinners. She has her chemo treatment this week as well. I hope all goes well.

I really, really, really need to get away. I am afraid to go anywhere though. Even if I could go somewhere for the day. I'd like to go back up to Ikea in Pittsburgh. Who wants to go with me? What am I thinking? I don't even have any money to go anywhere. I have ZERO dollars left from my paycheck after paying my bills. That means no money for gas or groceries or starbucks.
My life sucks.

P.S. Sorry I didn't call you back Frank. Things have been hectic. I hope you guys had a nice vacation. I'm jealous!

Will we ever have a good day?

Mom came home late last night. I thought it would end up being a stress free day...but of course...it wasn't. There were issues at the hospital that I won't go into. She is still weak and will start in-home physical therapy in a few days. She was given three bags of blood while she was in the hospital. I was hoping that it would perk her up and make her feel stronger. I guess she seems a little better than she did before she went in. Sometimes...I'm just not sure.

My dad pissed me off today. He wanted to drive all the way out to Thompson to his uncles old house to look at a gate. That would have left my mom home alone for a good 3 hours. I am working, and my brother had things to do. Why is it that my life is the only one that is getting turned upside down because of all this????? Everyone else can just go about their daily lives. My dad wasn't bothered by the fact that my mom would be home alone. He told her that if she needed help to call 911. Nice. Could you be anymore uncaring and inconsiderate and irresponsible? I mean.....seriously.......I don't know how he rationalizes things sometimes. He was set to go....got in the van...and the van wouldn't start. HA! It ended up having to be towed to the repair shop. Serves him right. Now he can't go to Thompson.

Is God really watching?

My moms primary doctor was in to see her today and told her that she is very lucky because the clots were already in her lungs and had they gotten to her heart...she would not be here right now. She cried as she told me this. She told the doctor how grateful she was that he made her come see him and then go to the ER. She feels the prayers from everyone helped her through this and that God is watching over her.

It still amazes me...how caring people are. There are so many people from all over...people I have never met...are praying for my mom. I have an amazing online community of friends who pray for my mom daily. None of them have ever met her....yet they find time in their busy lives to think about my family. One of the girls dedicates every yoga practice she does to my mom. Some have written personalized prayers. How can I ever thank these people? I know I will never have the opportunity to thank them in person.

My friends in the area have been wondeful as well. My mom will need a scrapbook for all the cards she has gotten. One of the neighbor boys brought over a card he made along with some flowers and some lemon bars his mom made. One of the baristas at Starbucks gave me a hug the other day and said she would pray for my mom. Amazing people.

My mom should be coming home in a day or two. I am hoping she will have some out-patient physical therapy. I feel her lack of movement is one of the reasons she ended up with clots to begin with. There are other reasons the clots formed but her immobility contributed to it. Her cancer doctor and therapists also reinforced that fact. I wanted her to hear it from professionals because she just thinks we are picking on her when we tell her. I think she looks alot better than she did when she went in. She looked tired and weak and...sick when she went in. She knows she needs to move more. She can't lay on the couch and wait for the drugs to work. She needs to live her life. I hope she understands that now...and she can move forward in a positive direction. I PRAY she moves forward in a positive direction.

I don't understand

My mom is being admitted to Marymount once again. Her ankle had been swollen for the last several days and her nurse at the cancer center advised her that she see her primary doctor. She went today and he made her go to the ER for an ultrasound on her legs. She has a blood clot, so she will be in for 3-5 days.

I don't understand why all this is happening. Why can't we have one good week? I hate all these setbacks, its so incredibly discouraging. I just want things to start improving. Luckily this is happening on her "off" week from chemo or else she'd be missing another treatment.

Enough is enough.

Well....mom and dad are on their way to the ER because the doctor wants her to get a ultrasound on her legs to check for blood clots. Her one leg has been swollen for a week or so. If there is a clot...she will have to be in the hospital for 4-5 days. If there is not a clot...then she will go on water pills.

See Lorie? (if you are reading this)....this is why I have to do everything last minute. I am sorry I couldn't go to chuch with you tonight.

Why can't we have ONE good day? WHY????????? Is it too much to ask????????

Frustrated, Tired, Sad.

Today we took my mom to get her chemo pack unhooked. She is terribly weak and is now having a hard time standing up from a sitting position. Her ankles are swollen and now she's gotta go to her primary doctor tomorrow to see about going on a water pill. I swear...every day is something new to worry about. WHEN ARE THINGS GOING TO GET BETTER? WHEN??????? I can't take it. My nerves can't handle it. I'm getting so frustrated with her because she isn't eating or moving around as much as she should. We start arguing and end up both getting upset. She says she's trying but I don't think she is trying as hard as she can.

I have found a place called "The Gathering Place"..a caring community for those touched by cancer. They have a campus about 1o minutes away in Beachwood and have all kinds of free support groups and other classes with reiki, yoga, massage therapy, healing chimes and lots of other groups. I think this is exactly the type of place I have been looking for. I hope I can find free time to go. I need it. I need help. I don't want to go alone....but I guess I need to.

Port success

Mom was able to get her treatment yesterday and will go back on friday to have the chemo pack unhooked from her port. I PRAY THAT THE DRUGS START WORKING! PLEASE LORD.....TAKE CARE OF MY MOM....MAKE HER STRONG......MAKE HER WELL. LET HER LIVE TO ENJOY THE GRANDCHILD THAT IS ON THE WAY. SHE DESERVES THAT.

I went over to my parents after work and saw the cutest note & drawing from our neighbors (Valerie & Tim) son Jaret from across the street. He had drawn a picture of himself, my mom and my dads cat (Max) and wrote a note that he hopes my dad is better so he can come over and see him. They don't know that my mom is sick, but because Tim is on the fire dept they knew that the ambulance had come for my dad again.

Is it 5pm yet?

I actually slept the entire night through. I was shocked. I must have been exhausted. I'm at work today and trying to keep my thoughts on my work but its really hard. I end up calling my mom every few hours to see how she's doing. She was up and moving around a bit but quickly got out of breath and needed to sit. Tomorrow its back to the cancer center for another treatment. I pray that there are no problems this time. It seems all I'm doing is praying. I hope someone starts listening to me.

It's now 4:12pm and I thought my mom was going to have a decent day. I called her and her pains have returned. A pain on her right side. I don't know what the pain is from, if its from not having bowel movements or if its the tumors on her liver. I don't know. Every time I hear the pain in her voice...I cringe. My skin starts burning, it feels like pins and needles.

Back on track?

We were up at 6am so that we could leave for the hospital by 7am. It's been a long day, but the port was completely redone. The dr. of course did not fault his work, but the work of the nurses at the cancer center. He says they were pushing on it so much trying to get the needle in that they broke it loose. It sounds like a logical explanation. He says he cemented it in there and even put the needle in in preparation for her treatment on wednesday. These setbacks are incredibly discouraging. I hope things can now progress in a positive manner. I PRAY things progress in a positive manner.

Our dear friends The Claflin's sent my dad a lovely fruit basket today. My mom still has the flowers on her table that they sent her weeks ago. They are such wonderful people. I also have to give a shout out to my good friends Cindi and Larry. I ran into Larry at the grocery store yesterday. I'm glad he stopped me because I wouldn't have noticed him...I've been in such a daze. Cindi & Larry both know exactly what I am going through because they have gone through the same type of medical ordeals and with multiple family members at the same time as well. I am so glad to have them in my life. Cindi always has encouraging words for me when I need them most.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

Feeling the burn

It hasn't been a good week for my mom. Starting with the port issues, now she is having alot of pain and discomfort and she hasn't been able to move her bowels. I hate seeing her in pain. It kills me. I hear her moan in pain and my neck starts burning. I wake up shaking. All I want to do is sleep. I was supposed to go to church tonight with some dear friends of the family...and I just felt to uncomfortable to go. I pray that she sleeps ok tonight because we have to be back at the hospital tomorrow morning to have her port redone.

I have to thank my good friend Linda for doing some cooking for my parents this weekend. I have been running out of ideas on what I can cook for my parents. I have no desire to eat myself...let alone cook for them. I am having a hard time keeping up with work, cleaning, cooking and laundry at two houses. I feel like I'm....in a fog. I don't feel like I am living. I'm alive...but mearly going through the motions.

I am sorry Lord that I did not pray to you at church today. I wanted to go...I justfelf more comfortable being closer to home. I want to feel your presence in my life....but I don't feel you. I don't know how to find you. All the prayers from these wonderful people don't seem to be working. I'm so scared.

Hard to port.

Mom went back to see her surgeon today to see why the nurses were having so many problems with her chemo port. It seems to have broke loose and got flipped around. She now has to go back in on Monday and have the procedure done all over again. This is the kind of stuff that starts making you discouraged. She wants to fight the battle.....but things aren't working out properly. I hate seeing her in such misery. It is breaking my heart. She can't eat right, she is weak. I haven't cried in a few days...I was happy about that. Today....I'm crying. I want so badly for things to get underway and start improving for my mom. I want to be able to sleep at night. I fear that I am going to end up with insomnia...afraid to fall asleep because if I fall asleep....my phone will be ringing in the middle of the night with an emergency.

My dad is going to have to go for a 3-day sleep study to see if perhaps sleep apnea (spelling?) could be the cause of his "episodes" because they have only happened while he is sleeping. The neurologist is calling them episodes and not seizures. They did a brain scan on him and everything looked fine, which my mother disagrees with. lol

I'm totally exhausted

I have not slept much in the last two days with all thats been happening. Mom and I were up at 7:30 this morning to go for chemo. After an hour of the nurses fighting with trying to get the needle in the port....they gave up. They seemed to think that the port has moved and perhaps has flipped over. So...she had to go for a chest x-ray to see what happened. She will have to go back to the surgeon tomorrow to have him fix it. Thankfully, a family friend will be available to take my mom to the appointment because I can't miss anymore work.

All I want is a nap. I was home a few hours after bringing mom home and then had to leave again and go pick my dad up from the hospital. I'm happy he is home. Now its dropping off prescriptions, picking up prescriptions, making them lunch, dinner, letting the dogs outs. And I need to drag my exhausted ass to Medina to get my hair done. I'm so tired...but I can't cancel it because I won't be able to get in for another 2 months.

I want to sleep.

WHY....GOD........WHY?????????????????

It's 3:13 am.....dad just had another seziure. Cops, paramedics...the gangs all here. The paramedics had a hard time getting him onto the stretcher this time. He was combative and started pushing and kicking. Once he started to come back around more....he walked and did what everyone said. He is on his way to Bedford Hospital once again.

WHY??? Why does this keep happening to my family????

I couldn't fall alseep...I just had a weird feeling. My mom wasn't feeling well today...and I just had a feeling that my phone was gonna ring in the middle of the night. I even thought for a second that I should sleep at my parents house...but I didn't go. I thought the phone would be ringing because of my mom.....it turned out to be my dad.

Lord help us.

When it rains.....it pours

Anyone know a roofer who is willing to take a charity case???? My roof is leaking...and I have zero money for a new roof. UGH! Drip........................drip.......................drip...................................drip.

Calgon...take me away

My mom saves EVERYTHING! The plastic bags that comforters come in...she saves those. Empty butter containers....she saves those. In the past month I have thrown away about 15 garbage bags full of junk from my parents basement. It's a fragile balancing act down there. She has things stacked up so that if you move one thing...everything falls. We also took about 6 boxes/bags of stuff to Good Will. It hasn't even put a dent into what is down there. I walk in that basement and am on the verge of a panic attack because looking at everything is so overwhelming. I don't know what area to work on first. There isn't even room to move. I can't get my mom to understand that she doesn't need all that stuff. She thinks its all valuable. In the last 20 years....we have enherited stuff everyone who has died from our family. Furniture, antiques, clothes...you name it, when have it. My mom has not been able to go down the basement since she went into the hospital...so all she hears is trash bags being lugged up the steps, and comments that she'll have nothing left by the time we are done. Honestly....I hope she is right. I am all for keeping things of sentimental value....but you just can't keep everything! Frank, my former neighbor would go nuts if he went in that basement. He doesn't keep anything!!! Right Frank???? I miss you guys!!!

Counting down to Twilight

Twilight is released on DVD in 17 days! I can't wait. I need some entertainment. I loved the books and saw the movie in the theater several times. If only I could find myself an Edward Cullen!

I've been in spring cleaning mode. I want to clean and get rid of everything. Once I get going in my parents basement...I may be listing some things for sale. They have so much stuff...alot of vintage items, furiture pieces that they don't need, houseware items, craft kits...the list goes on and on and on. If anyone is in need of anything in paticular...let me know and I'll see if we've got it.