Amazing Grace

Today was a bad day...and for no apparent reason. I have been in tears all day. I am worried about my dad, worried about my finances, worried about my brother & sister-n-law and the troubles they are having. I can't go a day without worrying about something. Its taking a toll on me. I'm just tired. I'm tired, but afraid to stop moving. I have been working my butt off and have swollen feet to prove it.

My sister-n-law called me today to ask me if there was anything we could make for the shower that my mom loved, or would have made. So now on top of eveything else...I have to attempt to make my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies. I've never made them before. I hope I can make her proud and do a good job. Maybe someone will help me.

I am sitting on my front porch with a few candles lit. Feeling the cool breeze, and listening to the wind chimes I bought in honor of my mom. They have the lyrics to Amazing Grace imprinted on each chime. I love them. Ugh...now the beautiful sounds of the chimes are ruined by the obnoxious sounds of the neighbor I hate coming home. So much for that.

I feel a bit more at peace than I did earlier today. Of course that could all change by tomorrow.

Dreams. Signs.

Everyone keeps telling me that my mom will come to me. I'll see her somehow. Her longtime friend Toni told me a few weeks ago that she had a dream about my mom. She was wearing blue, and her skin looked smooth and she looked at peace. Toni woke up and said her heart felt lighter and she knew that my mom was at peace. Since then I've been hoping I'd have that type of dream. Well...I had a dream, but it wasn't like Toni's. There was desperation in my dream, like she had been searching for me. I don't remember exactly what she said...but I could tell that she was relieved to find me. Maybe she was acting that was because she knows I have been so desperate to see a sign from her and she has been trying to find a way to reach me. I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff. Signs from God and lost loved ones and all that.

When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.

I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.

Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.

Worry free summer? Please!

Dad went for blood tests this morning. Part of his annual or bi-annual (not sure how often he goes) checkup. I pray that everything is ok. I just want a calm, stress-free existence for awhile. I am so tired of worrying. I have trouble sleeping. We got baby monitors and I have the parent monitor at my house so that if he were to have another "episode," I would hear it (hopefully). They work.....but not as well as I would like. The reception isn't the best. He goes on the 1st to be fitted for his sleeping mask and another sleep study.

My moms dill has spread like crazy this summer. It is all over the back flower beds. I cut some and put it in the bouquet I took to the cemetery. Maybe dill will start sprouting up all over her grave site.

A million tiny pieces

I keep seeing my mom lying lifeless in my dads bed. She died in his bed. It kills me to think about it yet every time I close my eyes thas what I see. My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces and I don't think it will ever be put back together. I sat at the cemetery yesterday and just cried. I feel so alone. As predicted...the phone has stopped ringing, the emails have slowed. People have gone on with their regularly scheduled lives (as they should). I am left to to try and live a life that I really don't care to live without my mom. No....I am not suicidal...I just..........feel that life isn't worth living right now. I am tired, lonely, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed.

People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.

I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.

Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.

It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.

Lonely

I'm lonely today. I have no one to do anything with...so I am sitting outside at my picnic table starring at the charred house next door to me.

I had to give a 10 minute recorded statement to my neighbors insurance company about what I knew about the fire. Then she proceeds to tell me that under Ohio law...the homeowner isn't necessarily responsible for damage to my house unless negligence is determined to be responsible for the fire. WTF? These fucking insurance companies are crooks. I hope they rule the fire was due to negligence, I don't have $1000 for my deductible. It has been my understanding that a candle was left unattended. That sounds negligent to me. So now I have to play the waiting game with her insurance company. They have to wait until the official report comes in from the fire dept. I called and told my insurance agent about this and she said that some companies follow that law...mine doesn't follow that law...they will pay. Her's (Allstate) says they don't have to pay. It's awful what happened. I feel so terrible for Cindy. I hope she doesn't have any problems with the insurance company.

I need my mom. I miss her. My life is so empty without her.

Fire on Chestnut Avenue

I am sitting at my kitchen table and this is the view out my window....not more than15 ft from me. About 4pm this afternoon..I was across the street at my dads working on the garage sale stuff he called me over because some ladies had stopped in to look at my moms clothes. A few mintues later I smelled smoke. I look out into the street and the entire corner was full of smoke. I thought maybe a transformer blew or something. Then I saw flames raging out the window of the house next to me. I ran into the street yelling OMG...her house is on fire. Right at that time, cops had showed up and yelled for us to stay back. I think my mom was watching over my house because luckily...the flames were shooting straight up or else my house would have caught fire. She has a wooden fence along our properties and if that would have caught fire....Lord only knows what would have happened. I had my dads van parked next to the fence because of the garage sale. No damage to the van but the siding on my house has buckled and warped from the heat of the fire. A few of my plants are burnt as well. Please say a prayer for my neighbor Cindy and her sister & daughter. From what I heard...not all of their animals made it out. She had about 5 dogs and I am not sure what else. There is pretty extensive damage to the back half of the house from fire...and bad smoke damage to the rest. There were fire departments from 6-7 surrounding cities. 37 firemen was the number I heard. It is now 9pm and they are still there hosing things down. It's been quite an eventful afternoon on chestnut avenue. I think half the city was on my street corner.

Where is she?

I miss my mom.

Some days I still can't believe she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't think about it but when I stop for a moment.....it's there. The pain, the loss. I'm still waiting for my sign that she is watching over me. Everyone tells me stories about themselves or someone they know experiencing a sign or feeling or something that lets them know that the love one they lost is still there. I haven't felt anything. Where is she? I would get along much better it I knew she was there.

I miss my mom.