I'm back. I need to let it out.

I must be PMS'ing because I am sitting here crying for no reason. It seems that every month the week before "that time" my emotions are out of control. Today seems to be one of those days.


I got a package in the mail last week from Neil's GF Beah with a necklace she had made for me. I had given her a box of old baubles that were my moms & grandmas to use for her jewelry business. She has a business called Bohemian Birdcage and she takes old jewelry mixes it up and gives it new life. She made me a necklace from the pieces I gave her. In the package was a letter that said "Everything on the necklace was a part of what you gave me, even the chain. Consider it a reminder of your mother. I like to think of the dove as a mediator between you and your mother in heaven." I cried when I read that. I wore that necklace today.

The day started with me getting pulled over in Brecksville for speeding (and no seatbelt). I couldn't talk my way out of anything...so I didn't even try. I just agreed with everything he said and sat in my car as he sat checking my info and writing my ticket. I sat there for several minutes and then out loud I said "can you please help me out here mom?" He came back a few moments later with my license & registration and no ticket. He let me go with a warning. I have no idea why. I thought I was going to be out a good $150. Did my mom answer my call for help? Was that necklace from Beah a good luck charm? I don't know. I'd like to think so but its probably just a coincidence.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. She would be so excited for me that I get to go to Hawaii...but I can't tell her. Her little grand daughter is so beautiful. I wish she could see her.

I was cleaning out my desk and found the notepad that I took to the hospital the day we met with the hospice people. I took it because I felt it was important for me to get her words on how much she loved her grand daughter that she would never see. At the time I didn't think about how that was affecting her. For her to think that I thought her time on this earth was so limited that she wouldn't make it to see Alexis born. I knew she was dying but did I have to shove it in her face like that? She had to have been so scared. She didn't want to die and I think she continued to have hope even after hospice was called in. She wanted so badly to see the birth of her grandchild.

I think back to the misery I was in at this time last year. The worst of it was just beginning. I don't feel I've healed at all. I'm a sobbing mess at this very moment. I still see her face lying dead with dried vomit streaking down the sides of her face. It haunts me still. I don't want that to be how I remember my mom. That dreadful illness did not define her. But I still have so much healing to do and they say that as I heal that image will change to a happier one. I hope so. I wish I wasn't alone so much. I don't have anything to distract me. I don't have anything that brings joy in my life.

I love you so much mom. I miss you so much. If that was you helping me out today.....thank you.

The End?

Almost a year has gone by since I started this blog. I seem to be writing here less and less. There really isn't anymore I can say that I haven't said a dozen times in one form or another.
The last few weeks I have been thinking about what I was going thru at this time last year. What a nightmare it had been for me....watching my mom suffer from that dreadful cancer. I think about her every single day. I cry for her every single day. I feel her loss every single day. My life won't ever be the same without my mom. I can only hope and pray that my pain will lessen in time.

Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog. Thank you for the support and advice and friendship. I won't ever forget the kindness and generosity you all have shown me and my family. I'm not saying that I'm deleting this blog.....I just don't have much to say here anymore. I know that most of you are on facebook and can keep track of me on there.