I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry that I didn't make your last holidays on this earth more memorable. Easter...I stormed out upset because you wouldn't eat. I tried to put on a happy face last Christmas but I knew things were bad. How can you have a nice holiday when you have just been told that your mother has a large tumor in her uterus and spots on her lung and liver. While everyone was telling me its going to be ok....I knew better. I have a 6th sense. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. She wanted to have a nice holiday and not think the news she was given...not think about what would soon be the death of her. I wasn't strong enough to put on a happy face and make sure my moms Christmas was wonderful. I tried. I should have tried harder. I should have told her I loved her more. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. Her last New Years Eve. Her last Easter. Her last birthday. Yet I spent most of those days pleading with her to eat and move around. I begged her to fight. I made her cry so many times. My intentions were good. I tried so hard to get thru to her. Why???? In the end it didn't matter. She is gone. You can't change fate. My last holiday memories with my mom...weren't happy ones (not as happy as they should have been) and its my fault. I'm so sorry mom.

I am sitting on the floor in tears starring at my empty Christmas tree. I don't have the strength to put the ornaments on it. Its too hard.

Never

I feel down today. I'm not sure what triggered it. I was fine when I woke up. I ran into the grocery store after my doctors appointment this morning and saw everyone buying turkeys and food for their Thanksgiving meal. I will never have a Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. I will never hear her complaining in the kitchen because my dad won't get off his ass and help do something. I will never hear her getting frazzled because she can't carve the turkey like the chefs on food network do. I don't like this "new normal" at all.

I had a vision the other night. I wasn't asleep, but a vision of my mom flashed in my head. She was standing and waving. She had on a pink sweater and red pants. The exact pink sweater and red pants that my friend Bill's mom was wearing at the baptism on sunday. She wears the same size clothes as my mom did and doesn't have alot of money so I gave her alot of my moms things that were left over after the garage sale. As soon as I saw her and made a point to show me that she was wearing my moms clothes and that she loved them. I'm not sure why that triggered a vision of my mom wearing those things....it was weird. I've had one or two dreams that my mom has been in...but nothing at all like my sis-n-laws dream. Hers seemed like a sign. A message right from my mom. Mine have been very ordinary. Nothing profound. I think I was even yelling at her in one. Am I not worthy???

Santa is dead.

I asked my dad today if he was buying gifts for Christmas this year. He said no. He's giving money. I was saddened to hear that. Not because I want gifts, but because we spent hours on Christmas day watching each other opening gifts. I have always prided myself on buying cool gifts so I looked forward to watching everyone open the ones from me. My mom spent days wrapping gifts. She used fancy ribbons and bows. Her gifts were always wrapped beautifully. Those days are gone. I am trying really hard to get myself into the holiday spirit...but its so hard. I want to decorate but then I think.....what the hell is the point? Who's going to see it? I know I have to because I know my mom would want me to continue enjoying the holidays. We both loved to decorate and if she were looking down on me she would be disappointed if I didn't put my tree up with all of my beautiful ornaments. I love my tree. I just need to find the strength to put it up. I too will have my annual Christmas party. That too will be very hard to get through, but I need my friends this time of year.

This must be the "new normal" I'm supposed to get used to. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

I thought sunday is supposed to be a day of rest?

Just my luck.....I end up with two baptisms on the same day and less than an hour apart. My little neice Alexis was to be baptised at 12:30 at St. Cosmas & Damian in Twinsburg, and my friend Teresa's little girl was to be baptised at 1:15 at St. Francis of Assissi in Gates Mills. Teresa has given the honor of being Godmother to Natalie so you see my delima.

Time was on my side and I was able to be at both baptisms. The priest at St. Francis was kind enough to wait until I got there to start the ceremony. It was a beautiful moment in both these little girls lives and I was thrilled to participate in both. After Natalie's ceremony, it was time to head to Hudson for Alexis's party. Then after an hour or so there, it was time to head out to Kirtland for Natalie's party. It was alot of rushing around, alot of miles on the car, but I couldn't let these little girls down. I am honored to be a part of both of their lives.

God Bless Alexis & Natalie.

out of nowhere

I was having a fine day. I got home at 3am laast night because some friends and I went to a midnight screening of New moon. Which I LOVED!!! I slept in a bit and got up and went to see it again. I went grocery shopping, I cooked a roast & baked some cupcakes and wrapped some gifts for the baptisms on sunday. Everything was fine....until I went across the street to take some food over to my dad. He wasn't home. The house was dark. It felt so empty. Lifeless. I opened the door to my moms room....now nearly empty. My heart sank. I stood there in the middle of the room motionless as the tears started. I walked out and closed the door. Does closing the door help us to forget that she isn't there anymore. If we can't look into the empty room, then we aren't reminded that she is relly gone. Is that why the door is always closed?? It's always closed when I go there. I only got worse as I walked into my dads room. I sat on his bed (the exact spot where she died) and lost it. I don't know how long I layed there crying. I couldn't stop.

God help me. I don't want my life any more. I'm so tired of crying. When is it going to get better??

sent to the heavens

Tonight was my final support group meeting. Eight weeks went by very fast. Over the last eight weeks I have bonded with a group of wonderful ladies. I have cried, talked and listened. I have taken in and absorbed everything that we have discussed and hopefully one day I will figure out what it has done for me. I have no doubt that my time at Cornersone has been benificial for me, but I think time will tell how exactly it has helped me.

During the last 10 mintues of our meeting, we were given a paper heart and asked to write a message to out loved one on it. We were then to attach it to a balloon and set it free up into the dark sky. It felt so......final for me. Kind of like what I felt when I saw the gravestone. I had so much I wanted to say on my little heart, but I can only hope that my mom died already knowing everything I wrote on that heart.

I love you mom. I hope my message reaches you in the heavens.

not excited.

I'm not sure why, but lately I seem to do a lot of crying in the car. My ride home tonight was no exception. I drove past countless houses that have their Christmas lights up already. I even saw a Christmas tree up. I can't walk through a Christmas dept. at the store without crying. I wandered aimlessly around Petitti's on sunday looking at all the ornaments. I couldn't hold back the tears, but I needed to get a grip before I got to Teresa's house. I can't imagine its going to get any better. I am.........dreading Christmas. If I had the money, I'd fly somewhere, alone, and not celebrate at all. But..since I can't do that, I have to find a way to deal with the holidays that are looming. I will have my Christmas party because I am hoping that being with my friends will help ease the pain. I know I won't get through the night without crying. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't look forward to anything. I don't get excited about anything. New Moon comes out on thursday. I should be excited. I'm...a little excited. Perhaps thats because its two days away. Neil's Christmas show is on the 11th. I love going. It's always a show I look forward to. I'm not excited. I'm supposed to be going to Hawaii in March. I should be thrilled! How many people get the chance to go to Hawaii???? I'm not excited. I don't know how to be excited anymore. When will I feel better? I don't want to be like this. People ask me to do things, and as much as I need to go out....I don't want to. I need to. I don't want more meds. I don't want to rely on drugs to make me feel better. I just want to feel better. The holidays aren't going to help.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I go about my day. Get up, go to work, do what needs to be done. Life seems to be normal. Then....out of nowhere, it hits me like a freight train...."my mom is dead." Suddenly my world goes from normal, to........not normal. To a life without my mom. And I start wondering how the hell I am going to make it through the rest of my life without her.

We read this at my support group last night.

I am alive. I will survive.
I am healing. I surrender to the process of healing.
I will find my "new normal."
I am healing naturally.
I am gentle with myself.
My broken heart is mending.
I am stronger.
I have the courage to grow.
I am grateful for so much.
I will invest in my healing process.
I will keep living and appreciate life in new ways.
I will ask for help when I need it.
Disappointments and hurts will not destroy me.
My patience will outlast my pain.

Everyone talks about this "new normal," I want my old normal back. Everyone in my group seems like they are making progress. I don't think I've made any. We only have one session left. I truly hope I stay in contact with these ladies because they are the only ones who understand my pain. They are wonderful people and we have bonded. Sooner or later my friends are going to get tired of me crying and whining about my dead mother. I love my friends dearly and as kind and caring as they may be...I know they will eventually start wondering....when I'm gonna get over it and move on. I wouldn't blame them. I don't think I'll ever get over it. My life is forever changed. One of the ladies commented that she would like to see us all smile and actually mean it. It's hard to smile. It's even harder to laugh. I put on a happy face as best as I can...but underneath there is a lot of pain. Tears are resting just below the surface...just waiting to come out. I hope one day I can smile and mean it. I hope that one day I can say I'm fine and mean it. I think that day is a long way away.

Honored

I got asked to be a Godmother yesterday. My wonderful friends Teresa & Bill asked me to be a Godmother for baby Natalie. I was having a bad week and hearing that made my day. I feel so honored to have been asked. I'm not sure what a Godmother does.....but I promise I'll try to be a good one.

I do however have one delima. My little neice Alexis is getting baptized on the same day as Natalie. Alexis is getting baptized at 12:30 in Twinsburg and Natalie is getting baptized at 1:15 in Gates Mills. It will take some sort of miracle for me to be able to be at both. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I hope it does. I have two little babies counting on me.

The miracles of technology.....

A voicemail message from October 2008. Makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I miss her so much.

God help me.

I don't need aymore stress in my life. I seriously cannot take it. My body cannot take it. I found out today that my father has not been wearing his sleep apnea mask. He has had it for months and all along I thought he's been wearing it. Not only is he not wearing it....he is sending it back. He says he can't wear it because he moves around too much and it blows in his eye. I don't think he realizes what a serious condition it is. He could die. He doesn't seem to care that it upset me. He thinks that these little baby monitors we have will save him. It would be a miracle if I would hear him if something were to happen. They aren't reliable at the distance we have them and...I'm asleep!!!

I heard my moms voice today. Literally. My dad had voicemail messages from my mom (from last year) on his phone that had never been heard until I went and started deleting his messages because his mailbox was full. I had them made into an mp3 file and now I will never forget her voice. I will always have it. It waas very bittersweet listening to them. I laughed and cried at the same time.

I can already tell that Christmas is going to be awful for me. I have not been able to go into a store and look at holiday stuff with ending up in tears. My mom made Christmas. It won't be Christmas without her. It won't even be worth getting out of bed that day.

Show and Tell

Tonight we had a bit of show and tell at my support group. We were asked to bring in a memory of our loved one so that everyone would be able to put a face with the story. I knew right away what I was going to bring. I showed the recipe scrapbook that I made for her. It wasn't necesarily a memory of her, but of the love everyone had for her. It showed the love she had for cooking. So many people took the time to write down their favorite recipe and gather a few pictures to send me for the project. It was six months in the making and I still remember watching her open it. It got passed around the room and everyone jokingly asked if the stuffing recipe was in there. It has been a sore subject lately. Everyone showed pictures of their loved one. "J" showed pictures of her daughter who died of lukemia at age 20. They got her a puppy and she named the puppy Chemo because he was therapy for her. She is going to have the dog trained to be a hospital therapy dog for sick children going through chemo. I think that is awesome. "L" showed pictures of her son. He was in his 20's. "N" showed pictures of her adorable little brother who was 4 years old I think. "P" shared pictures from a cruise of her mother who had dementia (sp?) It made everyones losses feel all the more real. It made the pain all the more real.

The ladies in my group are wonderful and I feel very lucky to have met them. We were brought together because of a tragedy in our lives and have bonded because of it. I hope we will remain in contact with each other. I'd like to hope we were brought together for a reason. Cornerstone of Hope was suggested to me by my friend Dean. We met on a dating site awhile back, but I can't help but wonder if there was a greater reason for our meeting????? He led me to this wonderful place and I am thankful to him for that.

"A" who lost her son forgot to bring her show and tell item tonight and somehow we got into a discussion on if she had any videos of her son (who was in his 20's) so that she could watch him and hear his voice. Suddenly I remembered the voicemails on my dads cellphone from my mom. I left the meeting and went straight to my dads. Called his voicemail. They were still saved. I stood in the family room in tears with my dad and Woody (friend) starring at me, wondering why I was crying. It was my mom....almost like she came back to life. Her voice filling my ear. I lost it. Tomorrow I will call my dad's cellphone company to see about getting those messages made into mp3's. I've heard it can be done. I don't want to ever forget her voice. It comforts me. I took her coat on the way out. It's been hanging by the back door since she wore it last. I don't think I'll ever wash it.

I don't think I can

What the hell is wrong with me today? I am a complete mess. I went to Kohl's to return a sweater and ended up walking the isles in tears. I saw so many things I could have bought my mom for Christmas. I can't buy her anything. There are snowmen decorations everywhere, she loved snowmen. I can't buy her any of them. I don't know how I am going to make it through the holidays. I don't think I can. I don't think I can.

April 30, 2009

"She told me that she loved me more than her own life....and that when she dies..she will watch over me from heaven. My heart is breaking in a million pieces."

I'm having a meltdown.
Today is a bad day.

Should I be mad?

Do you ever feel like you want to move away and start a new life? Just pack up and leave. Make new friends. I feel that way. I don't want to be known as the sad girl that everyone is tired of listening to when she cries about her problems. I hate being that person. I hate feeling like a charity case. I hate asking for help.

Some of the friends I have that I thought I was very close with, that I've known for 10-20 years....I have hardly heard from since my mom passed. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know....but it bothers me. I know that everyone has their own lives. But....I would have expected a little more from them. Then there are others that are very helpful and suportive until something better comes along to take up their time. Then you are left feeling abandoned. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know...but it bothers me.

I just feel abandoned in general. My mom abandoned me and I am left feeling like a scared little 12 year old who lost her mommy.

Maybe I am pms'ing...but people are pissing me off lately. It seems that I am always the one making the effort to contact people in order to keep in touch. Then it makes me feel like I am being to needy. I have decided I am not going to call anyone or email anyone for awhile. I have a feeling my phone won't be ringing either.



Note to Frank: I know you are reading this and the above statements have nothing to do with you. I love you guys and I miss having you as my neighbors. It was great to see you, Faith and Tyler yesterday.