A small step

Today I went to a fundraiser for a organization called Cornerstone of Hope. I dragged my friend Linda with me because I didn't want to go alone. It is an orgization for grief counciling. A friend of mine volunteers there and asked if I would donate one of my rock hall photographs for their silent auction they were having this weekend. I got to draw the winning ticket for my picture. More importantly....I signed up for classes. They have an 8 week session. Once a week for two hours. We took a tour of the building...it is a beautiful place and I think I need to go. The counciling in free. I know I need help. I hate admitting it. I needed to take that small step today...to get me closer to the bigger step I need to take in asking for help.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. I know that all of the stress and anxiety and depression has taken its toll on my body. I used the blood pressure machine at CVS last week and got a reading of 155/110. NOT GOOD! And I am already on blood pressure pills. So...I rushed to the dr the next day and my reading was 140/100...not much better. She changed my meds a bit. I have to go back in a month and see how it is working. I have other issues that need to be delt with as well...but I really I am not fond of doctors right now. My dad also has some new health issues arrising and all I can say is PLEASE LORD....NO MORE. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE STRESS AND SADNESS. PLEASE LET MY FAMILY BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY FOR AWHILE. DON'T WE DESERVE THAT???? I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so sick of crying. Please let me be happy for awhile.

Nostalgic

The Bash For Bev was a success. All (most) of my close friends and family were there to celebrate my mom. I passed out old recipes and forget-me-not seeds to everyone. It feels like a mission to do everything I can to keep my moms spirit alive. I hope everyone will try her recipes and plant the seeds and think of her. I think everyone had a good time. Frank manned the grill (THANK YOU FRANK), Dustin mixed cement so the kids (and Linda) could make stepping stones (THANK YOU DUSTIN). And everyone else just ate, drank, browsed recipes and old pictures, we toasted my mom. It was a nice day. I hope she was looking down on us.

I also had my 20 year class reunion the night before. It was fun. I wasn't excited about going....but went anyway. I told myself I'd stay an hour and stayed four. Oddly enough...I hung out with the guy who made my life hell in Junior High. He picked on me terribly, called me fat, said the ground shook when I walked. He was as fat as me at the time...so in defense....I had to call him fat. He came back to school after one summer break...he was thin, and he never made fun of me again. I never forgot that. He apologized several times for picking on me and we had a good time.

Since then...I've been feeling nostaligic and have been going through old pictures. I have boxes of pictures. I have artwork from my days in Commerical Art. I saved alot of things from my younger years. Yet....why am I keeping all this stuff? Who will want my things when I die??? If I never get married or have kids...what will happen to all my posessions when I die? Who will care about my photographs, all of my memories, my autographs of famous musicians? All of my belongings? I have cool stuff. Will it go in the garbage? To Good Will? My cats? Will they end up on the streets? I thought alot about my mom yesterday. I feel guilty about selling her things...I know she is probably furious that we are getting rid of her posessions. She thought everything was valuable...but there is just way too much to keep. I am hanging on to things that are important to me...but I can't keep everything. Nor can Brian and Erin. I took Erin to visit my friend Teresa who just had a baby girl on tuesday. I hoped it would ease her fears about child birth since she will be delievering soon. I looked at little Natalie and wonder what Alexis will look like. Does my mom already know? I ended up in tears on the drive home because I miss my mom so much and it breaks my heart that she isn't here to see her Grand Daughter. Life isn't fair.