I feel terrible

Awhile back...I remember my mom being frustrated because she couldn't find her apples squares recipe. She made them all the time. Loved them. She thought it got thrown out somehow...when she was going through her recipes. She knew it was out of the Plain Dealer. She even called there and had someone try and track the recipe down. I can't remember if they found it....BUT.....it seems I had the recipe all along. I have a few pages out of her binders and it was on the backside of one of the recipes I make. I started bawling when I saw it. I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry I made you do all that searching for nothing. I wish you could hear my apology.

Erin came home from the hospital they other day...only to go back in today. She was released after a few hours. Her blood pressure was through the roof again. Her protien count is about 280 and over 300 is a sign of preclamsia (sp?). If they cannot get things stablized....baby Alexis will be arriving alot sooner than planned.

Now what?

I came home from work today only to find out that my sis-n-law is in the hospital. First thing I thought of was problems with the baby. Erin's blood pressure is extremely high and they don't know why. Her blood tests are fine. The baby seems to be ok and Erin feels fine otherwise. They are keeping her overnight to give her meds and monitor her. Please say a prayer that everything is ok.

Will it be a good day or bad day?

Tomorrow is a busy day. Gerry is going to be on Regis & Kelly. What time is that on??? I don't ever watch that show. I have to go pick up my car from the repair shop in Streetsboro. I want to take flowers from the garden to the cemetary. I picked a rose from my moms yard and have it in the arrangement. Then....dad goes for a colonoscopy. I have had a nervous feeling all week. I pray that everything is ok. It has to be ok. I can't take anymore stress and upset in my life. I just can't. Then I am meeting my girlfriends for dinner at Aladdins in Independence and then its to see my man Gerard Butler in "The Ugly Truth." I am so excited to see this movie. Everytime I see his face....I am taken back to the moment he and I were face to face, when I met him last Sept. at the Toronto Film Festival. OH...I love that man!!!

I am excited to get out of the house, be with my friends and have a good time.
I hope its a good day.

I found it!

I found the stuffing recipe! Well....at least I think its the recipe she used. The recipe is vague with ingredient amounts...and I think my mom always went by memory from having made it for so many years. I am going to have to have a trial run (or two) before Thanksgiving. That stuffing is family tradition. Everyone in the family made it, and still makes it. It was being made before I was even born. It needs to live on. I pray I don't ruin tradition.

I've been in tears for the last few hours as I sat going through some of her cookbooks. She had about a dozen binders of recipes she has cut out and collected over the years. Some of them take me back to my childhood. I look at all these recipes.....she wrote "Make!" next to the ones that she thought sounded really good. She won't ever have the chance to make them. My father will have to suffer with my cooking or worse...his cooking (which consists of bacon & eggs or Mrs' T's Pierogi's) for the rest of his life. He won't have my mom to make meatloaf or potato pancakes or roasts or all the other homestyle cooking she liked to do. I know how to cook...but my style isn't like hers. I don't think I can live up to her.

Bittersweet

Today was a hard day. It was a happy occasion because we were celebrating baby-to-be Alexis at Brian & Erin's Baby Shower. But it was also a very sad day for me and my family because I know my mom wanted more than anything to be there. We honored her by making a seat for her and lighting a candle next to a picture of her. A friend of Erin's was kind enough to buy a grandmother bracelet and we put it next to the picture. Needless to say....I've been in tears all day. It was a loverly shower. I was very happy that a few relatives, a few of my friends and several family friends came to represent my mom and our side of the family. She got lots of great gifts. Alexis will be dressed in style. I bought a bunch of cute little outfits, the baby bath tub Erin wanted and I re-finished my moms play high chair that her father built for her. My dad gave a toy box that Erin wanted. And then there was the cross-stitch from my mom. I couldn't even take pictures because I was crying so much. My friend Linda spent every night for the last two months finishing it for my mom. I told my mom when she was in the hospital the last time, that I was going to have Linda finish it and she was so happy that someone was willing to do that for her. I wish my mom would have been able to finish it...but things just didn't work out that way. It turned out beautifully and I am so grateful that Linda offered to do it. The last time my mom was in the hospital (I knew things were very bad), I took a notepad with me and asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to the baby. I wrote down her random thoughts. I took her thoughts and composed them into a letter to Alexis. The letter......is attached to the back of the picture and one day when Alexis is old enough...I hope that Brian and Erin will read that letter to her and tell her what a wonderful grandma she had.

I hope I made you proud today mom.

Not the same

My mom enthusiastically supported my Gerard Butler obsession. I think my love for him rubbed off on her a bit because she asked me for a picture of him and she put it up on her fridge. I'm sure my dad loved that. She was leary about me driving to Toronto last September to try and meet him...because even though I was meeting people there...I was driving up alone. I got to meet Gerry and my mom was the first person I called. He has a new movie coming out called The Ugly Truth and its getting alot of press. He is on the cover of Esquire magazine. After searching about 8 stores...I finally found a copy. I was so thrilled to get my hands on it...I wanted to show it to everyone! I brought the magazine over to my dads yesterday to look at while the garage sale was going on. I decided to show him. Sadly......he is not as enthusiastic about Gerry as my mom was. He said....."I don't think he's that good looking." OMG...he's only the sexiest man on the planet! Surely you can see that!!! UGH!!! I miss my mom. She would have drooled over the magazine with me. It's just not the same without her here. Everything in my life is different now. Everything.

Cookies

Teresa and I made my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies over the weekend. They don't look as nice as my moms. I don't know what we did wrong....we followed the recipe. My mom just had the special touch I guess. I pulled out all of her binders of recipes she has clipped and saved. I need to spend a day looking through them. She loved to cook. The amount of cookbooks and recipes she had was incredible. I don't think I'll ever be as good a cook as she was.

Happy 4th.

My dad and I spent the day with our former neighbors. They moved to Twinsburg...in a bigger house. I'm so sad they moved, but who can blame them....their new house is beautiful. We went to see fireworks in Solon. It was a nice day. It was good to get out and get my mind off things. I only cried a little today...which is an improvement over the last several days. Thank you Frank & Faith....for inviting my dad and I over so we didn't have to be alone. Everything was great. Tell Tyler to take good care of his new bear. I know my mom would be happy that he has it.

Don't care

Today.....I don't care if I live or die. My life isn't worth living right now. I've had chest pains all day today and almost drove myself to the ER...but I decided to go home instead. My nerves are shot and I think I've been having a panic attack.

I can't seem to do anything right. I've been fighting with my sis-n-law for what I feel is a legit reason for me to be upset. She doesn't see it that way.

I want my mom back. Nothing is right without her.