The End

The years end can't come soon enough. 2009 has been the worst year I have ever had and I can't wait until its over. I don't want to look back. I don't want to reflect on what has happened. I don't want to celebrate it. I just want it gone. I pray that 2010 will be better. It has to be.

December

December has been a busy month for me with baking cookies, prepping for my holiday party and Christmas shopping. Neil's "One Silent Night" Christmas show at the Palace Theater was on the 11th. I wasn't going to go this year but got talked into it. I'm so glad that I did because I had a great time and got to listen to some kickass holiday music by my favorite musician and friend Neil Zaza.

My party also came and went. I think everyone had a good time. I was happy to be surrounded by my friends. They have kept me going these last several months. The end of the night was a riot and I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did in a really long time. Unfortunately it was at my friend Chris's expense. Sorry Chris.

I've had several meltdowns. A few of them were major. Last night I was hit pretty hard. My father got an abnormal reading on his EKG and as soon as he told me that.....it was like I was back in the nightmare that started this exact time last year with my mom. I don't have the strength to deal with more medical worries. I can barely hold myself together as it is. I have to pray that its nothing serious. My friend Sabrina is under the knife in California as I write this. She is undergoing a 6 hour complicated & delicate spine surgery that won't even cure her. It will only improve her quality of life. We cried on the phone last night for half an hour. She has been such a warrior through all of this but she is really scared. You'll be alright girl! My mom is keeping an eye on you from the heavens. I love you and I'm praying for you.

Christmas is two days away and at this point I just hope I can make it through the day without totally loosing it. I don't even know what the plans are for Christmas. Perhaps I'll be sitting home doing nothing. I'd probably be fine with that. All I know is that Christmas won't EVER be the same without my mom. I've tried so hard to carry on the traditions that she always did. I spent way too much money on my little neice.....I feel its my job to spoil her now. My mom would have spoiled her rotten. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to know that I am doing everything I can to ensure her spirit lives on in everyone who knew her.

I love you mom and I miss you so much. I miss you every single day. Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry that I didn't make your last holidays on this earth more memorable. Easter...I stormed out upset because you wouldn't eat. I tried to put on a happy face last Christmas but I knew things were bad. How can you have a nice holiday when you have just been told that your mother has a large tumor in her uterus and spots on her lung and liver. While everyone was telling me its going to be ok....I knew better. I have a 6th sense. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. She wanted to have a nice holiday and not think the news she was given...not think about what would soon be the death of her. I wasn't strong enough to put on a happy face and make sure my moms Christmas was wonderful. I tried. I should have tried harder. I should have told her I loved her more. I knew it was going to be my moms last Christmas. Her last New Years Eve. Her last Easter. Her last birthday. Yet I spent most of those days pleading with her to eat and move around. I begged her to fight. I made her cry so many times. My intentions were good. I tried so hard to get thru to her. Why???? In the end it didn't matter. She is gone. You can't change fate. My last holiday memories with my mom...weren't happy ones (not as happy as they should have been) and its my fault. I'm so sorry mom.

I am sitting on the floor in tears starring at my empty Christmas tree. I don't have the strength to put the ornaments on it. Its too hard.

Never

I feel down today. I'm not sure what triggered it. I was fine when I woke up. I ran into the grocery store after my doctors appointment this morning and saw everyone buying turkeys and food for their Thanksgiving meal. I will never have a Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. I will never hear her complaining in the kitchen because my dad won't get off his ass and help do something. I will never hear her getting frazzled because she can't carve the turkey like the chefs on food network do. I don't like this "new normal" at all.

I had a vision the other night. I wasn't asleep, but a vision of my mom flashed in my head. She was standing and waving. She had on a pink sweater and red pants. The exact pink sweater and red pants that my friend Bill's mom was wearing at the baptism on sunday. She wears the same size clothes as my mom did and doesn't have alot of money so I gave her alot of my moms things that were left over after the garage sale. As soon as I saw her and made a point to show me that she was wearing my moms clothes and that she loved them. I'm not sure why that triggered a vision of my mom wearing those things....it was weird. I've had one or two dreams that my mom has been in...but nothing at all like my sis-n-laws dream. Hers seemed like a sign. A message right from my mom. Mine have been very ordinary. Nothing profound. I think I was even yelling at her in one. Am I not worthy???

Santa is dead.

I asked my dad today if he was buying gifts for Christmas this year. He said no. He's giving money. I was saddened to hear that. Not because I want gifts, but because we spent hours on Christmas day watching each other opening gifts. I have always prided myself on buying cool gifts so I looked forward to watching everyone open the ones from me. My mom spent days wrapping gifts. She used fancy ribbons and bows. Her gifts were always wrapped beautifully. Those days are gone. I am trying really hard to get myself into the holiday spirit...but its so hard. I want to decorate but then I think.....what the hell is the point? Who's going to see it? I know I have to because I know my mom would want me to continue enjoying the holidays. We both loved to decorate and if she were looking down on me she would be disappointed if I didn't put my tree up with all of my beautiful ornaments. I love my tree. I just need to find the strength to put it up. I too will have my annual Christmas party. That too will be very hard to get through, but I need my friends this time of year.

This must be the "new normal" I'm supposed to get used to. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

I thought sunday is supposed to be a day of rest?

Just my luck.....I end up with two baptisms on the same day and less than an hour apart. My little neice Alexis was to be baptised at 12:30 at St. Cosmas & Damian in Twinsburg, and my friend Teresa's little girl was to be baptised at 1:15 at St. Francis of Assissi in Gates Mills. Teresa has given the honor of being Godmother to Natalie so you see my delima.

Time was on my side and I was able to be at both baptisms. The priest at St. Francis was kind enough to wait until I got there to start the ceremony. It was a beautiful moment in both these little girls lives and I was thrilled to participate in both. After Natalie's ceremony, it was time to head to Hudson for Alexis's party. Then after an hour or so there, it was time to head out to Kirtland for Natalie's party. It was alot of rushing around, alot of miles on the car, but I couldn't let these little girls down. I am honored to be a part of both of their lives.

God Bless Alexis & Natalie.

out of nowhere

I was having a fine day. I got home at 3am laast night because some friends and I went to a midnight screening of New moon. Which I LOVED!!! I slept in a bit and got up and went to see it again. I went grocery shopping, I cooked a roast & baked some cupcakes and wrapped some gifts for the baptisms on sunday. Everything was fine....until I went across the street to take some food over to my dad. He wasn't home. The house was dark. It felt so empty. Lifeless. I opened the door to my moms room....now nearly empty. My heart sank. I stood there in the middle of the room motionless as the tears started. I walked out and closed the door. Does closing the door help us to forget that she isn't there anymore. If we can't look into the empty room, then we aren't reminded that she is relly gone. Is that why the door is always closed?? It's always closed when I go there. I only got worse as I walked into my dads room. I sat on his bed (the exact spot where she died) and lost it. I don't know how long I layed there crying. I couldn't stop.

God help me. I don't want my life any more. I'm so tired of crying. When is it going to get better??

sent to the heavens

Tonight was my final support group meeting. Eight weeks went by very fast. Over the last eight weeks I have bonded with a group of wonderful ladies. I have cried, talked and listened. I have taken in and absorbed everything that we have discussed and hopefully one day I will figure out what it has done for me. I have no doubt that my time at Cornersone has been benificial for me, but I think time will tell how exactly it has helped me.

During the last 10 mintues of our meeting, we were given a paper heart and asked to write a message to out loved one on it. We were then to attach it to a balloon and set it free up into the dark sky. It felt so......final for me. Kind of like what I felt when I saw the gravestone. I had so much I wanted to say on my little heart, but I can only hope that my mom died already knowing everything I wrote on that heart.

I love you mom. I hope my message reaches you in the heavens.

not excited.

I'm not sure why, but lately I seem to do a lot of crying in the car. My ride home tonight was no exception. I drove past countless houses that have their Christmas lights up already. I even saw a Christmas tree up. I can't walk through a Christmas dept. at the store without crying. I wandered aimlessly around Petitti's on sunday looking at all the ornaments. I couldn't hold back the tears, but I needed to get a grip before I got to Teresa's house. I can't imagine its going to get any better. I am.........dreading Christmas. If I had the money, I'd fly somewhere, alone, and not celebrate at all. But..since I can't do that, I have to find a way to deal with the holidays that are looming. I will have my Christmas party because I am hoping that being with my friends will help ease the pain. I know I won't get through the night without crying. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't look forward to anything. I don't get excited about anything. New Moon comes out on thursday. I should be excited. I'm...a little excited. Perhaps thats because its two days away. Neil's Christmas show is on the 11th. I love going. It's always a show I look forward to. I'm not excited. I'm supposed to be going to Hawaii in March. I should be thrilled! How many people get the chance to go to Hawaii???? I'm not excited. I don't know how to be excited anymore. When will I feel better? I don't want to be like this. People ask me to do things, and as much as I need to go out....I don't want to. I need to. I don't want more meds. I don't want to rely on drugs to make me feel better. I just want to feel better. The holidays aren't going to help.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I go about my day. Get up, go to work, do what needs to be done. Life seems to be normal. Then....out of nowhere, it hits me like a freight train...."my mom is dead." Suddenly my world goes from normal, to........not normal. To a life without my mom. And I start wondering how the hell I am going to make it through the rest of my life without her.

We read this at my support group last night.

I am alive. I will survive.
I am healing. I surrender to the process of healing.
I will find my "new normal."
I am healing naturally.
I am gentle with myself.
My broken heart is mending.
I am stronger.
I have the courage to grow.
I am grateful for so much.
I will invest in my healing process.
I will keep living and appreciate life in new ways.
I will ask for help when I need it.
Disappointments and hurts will not destroy me.
My patience will outlast my pain.

Everyone talks about this "new normal," I want my old normal back. Everyone in my group seems like they are making progress. I don't think I've made any. We only have one session left. I truly hope I stay in contact with these ladies because they are the only ones who understand my pain. They are wonderful people and we have bonded. Sooner or later my friends are going to get tired of me crying and whining about my dead mother. I love my friends dearly and as kind and caring as they may be...I know they will eventually start wondering....when I'm gonna get over it and move on. I wouldn't blame them. I don't think I'll ever get over it. My life is forever changed. One of the ladies commented that she would like to see us all smile and actually mean it. It's hard to smile. It's even harder to laugh. I put on a happy face as best as I can...but underneath there is a lot of pain. Tears are resting just below the surface...just waiting to come out. I hope one day I can smile and mean it. I hope that one day I can say I'm fine and mean it. I think that day is a long way away.

Honored

I got asked to be a Godmother yesterday. My wonderful friends Teresa & Bill asked me to be a Godmother for baby Natalie. I was having a bad week and hearing that made my day. I feel so honored to have been asked. I'm not sure what a Godmother does.....but I promise I'll try to be a good one.

I do however have one delima. My little neice Alexis is getting baptized on the same day as Natalie. Alexis is getting baptized at 12:30 in Twinsburg and Natalie is getting baptized at 1:15 in Gates Mills. It will take some sort of miracle for me to be able to be at both. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I hope it does. I have two little babies counting on me.

The miracles of technology.....

A voicemail message from October 2008. Makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I miss her so much.

God help me.

I don't need aymore stress in my life. I seriously cannot take it. My body cannot take it. I found out today that my father has not been wearing his sleep apnea mask. He has had it for months and all along I thought he's been wearing it. Not only is he not wearing it....he is sending it back. He says he can't wear it because he moves around too much and it blows in his eye. I don't think he realizes what a serious condition it is. He could die. He doesn't seem to care that it upset me. He thinks that these little baby monitors we have will save him. It would be a miracle if I would hear him if something were to happen. They aren't reliable at the distance we have them and...I'm asleep!!!

I heard my moms voice today. Literally. My dad had voicemail messages from my mom (from last year) on his phone that had never been heard until I went and started deleting his messages because his mailbox was full. I had them made into an mp3 file and now I will never forget her voice. I will always have it. It waas very bittersweet listening to them. I laughed and cried at the same time.

I can already tell that Christmas is going to be awful for me. I have not been able to go into a store and look at holiday stuff with ending up in tears. My mom made Christmas. It won't be Christmas without her. It won't even be worth getting out of bed that day.

Show and Tell

Tonight we had a bit of show and tell at my support group. We were asked to bring in a memory of our loved one so that everyone would be able to put a face with the story. I knew right away what I was going to bring. I showed the recipe scrapbook that I made for her. It wasn't necesarily a memory of her, but of the love everyone had for her. It showed the love she had for cooking. So many people took the time to write down their favorite recipe and gather a few pictures to send me for the project. It was six months in the making and I still remember watching her open it. It got passed around the room and everyone jokingly asked if the stuffing recipe was in there. It has been a sore subject lately. Everyone showed pictures of their loved one. "J" showed pictures of her daughter who died of lukemia at age 20. They got her a puppy and she named the puppy Chemo because he was therapy for her. She is going to have the dog trained to be a hospital therapy dog for sick children going through chemo. I think that is awesome. "L" showed pictures of her son. He was in his 20's. "N" showed pictures of her adorable little brother who was 4 years old I think. "P" shared pictures from a cruise of her mother who had dementia (sp?) It made everyones losses feel all the more real. It made the pain all the more real.

The ladies in my group are wonderful and I feel very lucky to have met them. We were brought together because of a tragedy in our lives and have bonded because of it. I hope we will remain in contact with each other. I'd like to hope we were brought together for a reason. Cornerstone of Hope was suggested to me by my friend Dean. We met on a dating site awhile back, but I can't help but wonder if there was a greater reason for our meeting????? He led me to this wonderful place and I am thankful to him for that.

"A" who lost her son forgot to bring her show and tell item tonight and somehow we got into a discussion on if she had any videos of her son (who was in his 20's) so that she could watch him and hear his voice. Suddenly I remembered the voicemails on my dads cellphone from my mom. I left the meeting and went straight to my dads. Called his voicemail. They were still saved. I stood in the family room in tears with my dad and Woody (friend) starring at me, wondering why I was crying. It was my mom....almost like she came back to life. Her voice filling my ear. I lost it. Tomorrow I will call my dad's cellphone company to see about getting those messages made into mp3's. I've heard it can be done. I don't want to ever forget her voice. It comforts me. I took her coat on the way out. It's been hanging by the back door since she wore it last. I don't think I'll ever wash it.

I don't think I can

What the hell is wrong with me today? I am a complete mess. I went to Kohl's to return a sweater and ended up walking the isles in tears. I saw so many things I could have bought my mom for Christmas. I can't buy her anything. There are snowmen decorations everywhere, she loved snowmen. I can't buy her any of them. I don't know how I am going to make it through the holidays. I don't think I can. I don't think I can.

April 30, 2009

"She told me that she loved me more than her own life....and that when she dies..she will watch over me from heaven. My heart is breaking in a million pieces."

I'm having a meltdown.
Today is a bad day.

Should I be mad?

Do you ever feel like you want to move away and start a new life? Just pack up and leave. Make new friends. I feel that way. I don't want to be known as the sad girl that everyone is tired of listening to when she cries about her problems. I hate being that person. I hate feeling like a charity case. I hate asking for help.

Some of the friends I have that I thought I was very close with, that I've known for 10-20 years....I have hardly heard from since my mom passed. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know....but it bothers me. I know that everyone has their own lives. But....I would have expected a little more from them. Then there are others that are very helpful and suportive until something better comes along to take up their time. Then you are left feeling abandoned. Should I be mad? I am a little. I don't know...but it bothers me.

I just feel abandoned in general. My mom abandoned me and I am left feeling like a scared little 12 year old who lost her mommy.

Maybe I am pms'ing...but people are pissing me off lately. It seems that I am always the one making the effort to contact people in order to keep in touch. Then it makes me feel like I am being to needy. I have decided I am not going to call anyone or email anyone for awhile. I have a feeling my phone won't be ringing either.



Note to Frank: I know you are reading this and the above statements have nothing to do with you. I love you guys and I miss having you as my neighbors. It was great to see you, Faith and Tyler yesterday.

:-(

I want my mom back.

Am I more talented than a 5th grader?

We got to play in the art room tonight. Well...it wasn't exactly all fun and games. We were asked to look at a list of emotions that we associate with the loss we have experienced...then pick a color of tissue paper to associate with that emotion. We got glue and big paint brushes and had to glue the tissue paper to a piece of white paper. This is what my emotions look like...

Some of the ladies got really creative and cut out shapes for each of their emotions. I just tore the paper, except for the hearts. Pink and red are for love. The love of my mother and feeling surrounded by the love of friends and family during the days of her funeral. The red cut out heart however...is for the the emptiness I feel. Its for the whole in my heart because my mother is gone. The orange is anxious. Purple is for helpless and exhausted. These two colors relate to when my mom was still alive. The constant worrying about test results. Worrying if she was going to eat that day or if she was going to be in pain. Exhausted from the worrying and crying. Not so much a physical exhaustion...but mental. I couldn't wait to fall asleep so my mind would stop. Green is envy. I envy everyone who still has their mom. I can't go shopping with her anymore. We can't bake together anymore. I'm envious of my sister-n-law for having the most amazing dream about my mom. Where is mine? All the shades of blue are for various sad emotions. Depressed, sad, miserable...etc. Pretty self-explanitory I think. Black is loneliness and fear. When a loved one dies....all your friends and family are around for those first few days...maybe weeks. But its now.....months later when I need those friends and family. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I need the occasional phone call or email to see how I'm doing. Sadly...those don't come much any more. I may not be as lonely if I had a boyfriend to lean on.....but love seems to keep evading me. It seems I am destined to be alone. Lonely. Yes...alone and lonely are two different things. I am both. Fear.....I fear death. I fear cancer. I fear my father dying and being totally alone. I fear doctors. I have panic attacks days before my appointments.

Welcome to my life. Lovely isn't it? Should I get my artwork framed???

I forgot all ready

I didn't do so well with the writing down of three positive things that got me through the day on my last post. Here I go...

1. I got out and walked. Breathed in the fresh air.
2. I took pictures. I took my camera with me on my walk and photographed the beautiful fall leaves.
3. It was an easy day at work.
4. I saved a tiny little mouse from the jaws of death.

I'm still waiting....

My sister in law called me the other day...all excited because she had the most incredible dream about my mom. She told me about it later that night. Her and I were planning a party to introduce everyone to Alexis. She saw my mom standing outside the their swingset. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She ran outside and asked my mom how she was able to be here. She said God let her come for this special day. Erin noticed that her hair was dark and asked my mom about it. She said...yes I went darker because I always liked this look best. Erin asked her if she was ok, if she was not suffering and if she is with her family. My mom sad that she is not suffering any more and she is happy. Her mom (my grandma) is there with her but said that my father (my grandpa) is still roaming the earth. Erin told her how happy she was that my mom was able to see Alexis this one time and my mom said....Erin, I'm the one that brought her to you. She went on to tell Erin that she loves us all, that she checks in on us and that she is ok.

I was in tears as Erin was telling me this. What an incredible dream. Where is mine???????? I'm the one who needs it most! How long do I have to wait??? Why won't she come to me??? Does she know that I cry myself to sleep every night because I miss her so much? I just need a sign.

Three things

Todays group was helpful. I didn't cry as much today. I actually think that my fellow "grievers" are more insightful than the councelors. Its really comforting to be in a room full of people who understand. Who turn to you after you say something and go "I know exactly what you mean."

I mentioned that I write in a blog and that I recently read back thru all of my old enteries and said how miserable and depressing they were. It seems that I only write here when I am sad. Someone mentioned keeping a journal and making a point to write down three positive things that helped you get thru the day. I am going to give it a try. While I may only write here when I am sad....I will try and end my entry with a few positive things.

This might be harder than I thought. Sadly...I can only think of one today.
I saw a really cute guy and he made me smile. He always makes me smile.

Busy busy

I went to visit my beautiful little neice yesterday. I just looked at her and she starred back at me. I got teary-eyed while I was holding her. I whispered in her ear....."your grandma loves you". We dressed her up in her halloween outfits so I could take pictures. The poor little thing....every time I come around flash bulbs are going off in her face.

Tonight is week three of my grief support group. The last two have been really hard on me and I hope today is a little better. The last two meetings..I have left feeling more miserable than I did before I got there. They keep saying that the first few meetings are the hardest.

It's a busy week this week. Usually I have nothing going on, but this week every night is booked up. Tomorrow I have meetings downtown during the day for work. then a few friends are coming over to carve pumpkins. I am looking forward to a night with the girls. Friday dad is having hernia surgery. Of course he schedules it on my day off so I am the one who has to take him. I really don't want to sit at the hospital. Since my mom.....I don't want to be anywhere near a hospital. I guess I can go see the new Gerry movie that comes out...but I really don't want to go alone and I don't know where any theaters are in Parma. What to do?

Haunting memories

Tonight was my second grief support meeting. It was just about as rough as the first one. Once again I was quiet vocal. Mostly through tears...but I talked. A lady whos 20 year old daughter died of lukemia in july...spoke this week. She couldn't speak last week. It turns out that her and I have a similar problem. We both have visions that haunt us. I was not there when my mom died. When I entered the bedroom where she layed...I saw a lifeless body with dried vomit streamed down the sides of her face. I have not been able to get that picture out of my head. It tells me that she did not die peacefully. That perhaps she was struggling and uncomfortable and in pain when she died. That kills me. Everytime I see that image...I die alittle more inside. The lady who lost her daughter...was in the hospital with her when she passed. Her daughter was gasping for a breath and blood started dripping from her mouth. She too is haunted by that vision. The counceloring tell us that once we start to heal...those haunting images will be replaced with a happy image of our loved one. I hope that happens soon.

I came home tonight...exhausted and emotionally drained. I saw a box (not my cat that is still missing) on my front porch and wondered what it was. Then I remembered the stone I ordered for my "Peace Garden" I am putting in for my mom. The stone is engraved with a saying that my good friend Lisa had put on a picture she had made for me after my mom died. It reads..."if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." So the crying starts all over again.

I put the stone in the garden and started walking the street in heels crying like a baby and calling for my cat. It's not like her to not come home. She loves me. She follows me everywhere. Where is she? Is she hurt? Hungry? Does someone have her? Is she trapped somewhere? Is she dead? I keep looking out the front door to see if she is there. She isn't.

Lucy.....come home!

Alittle help would be nice Mom.

I didn't think something as trival as making stuffing would get me so upset. Over the weekend I was visiting my beautiful little neice and Erin asked if we wanted to come to their house for Thanksgiving. I said sure...since I have no idea how to make a turkey. Why didn't I pay more attention in the kitchen when my mom was cooking all these years???? I said I'd like to try and make her stuffing. It's actually the stuffing that everyone on my moms side of the family has made. My Grandma, Great Aunts Annie & Nunu (omg.....I don't even know how to spell Nunu...it was my Aunt Helens nickname. No one called her Helen. Everyone called her Nunu. I guess my Uncle Jerry couldn't pronounce Helen...so he called her Nunu. She went by that name from that point on). My mom and Aunt Sharon made the stuffing too. I never paid attention to how she made it. I told her I wanted her to teach me...but I was too late. In preparation for Thanksgiving...I thought I'd better practice so I get it right. I have tried twice now and have failed miserably. Her recipe is very vague and so I am not sure what part I am doing wrong. There aren't many ingredients...so there aren't many things to mess up. I feel like a failure. I want so bad to get it right. It's important to me. It's important that this recipe is carried on. I want my mom to be proud of me. I don't want to let her down. I wish she would come to me in a dream and tell me what to do. I need help. Please mom. Help me.

Was this a good idea?

Today I went to my first grief support group meeting. I cried the entire time I was there. I was hoping there would be some hot single guy there who lost his mom but no such luck. From 6:00 to 6:30 there is food and refreshments and the groups that are meeting that night can mingle together until their meetings start. I meet a lady who lost her husband. He died of cancer. She has two types of cancer as well. I asked how she was doing. She said she stopped treatments. She had planned to die before her husband. It didn't work out that way. He left first and now she is alone. She has given up. I think she just wants to be with her husband and so she has decided to stop her treatments and let nature take its course until she is with him again. It was very sad. My group consists of mostly women, with several who have lost their moms. One lady had a very similar story to mine. She lost her mom a week after mine and her mom was a year younger than mine. Her mother also died of cancer. I felt a bond to her immediately. Everyone had equally heartbreaking stories. One lady lost her son. They found his body lying next to railroad tracks. She still doesn't know the cause of his death. Another woman lost her daughter. She couldn't even speak about it tonight. Suprisingly..I spoke alot. I am usually silent in situations like that. I rarely spoke up at my weight watchers meetings. I guess I feel that if I speak out loud....I am getting things OUT. We were asked what we hoped to get out of this group. I don't know what I want out of this group. I guess I want to just go somewhere where there are others that understand and can relate to what I am going through. I feel guilty that I keep bringing up my mom to everyone around me. I feel like...I am forcing them to think of her. Is that wrong? Maybe they don't want to think of her any longer. She is gone...and thats it. Everyone has moved on...they are living their lives. I just don't want them to forget her. Tonight was mentally exhausting. I hope I can make it through the next 8 weeks. I know I need to be there. I just hope I can handle it.

I love you mom. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know you want me to live my life and be happy. Its so hard. I miss you so much. I thought I had been doing ok these last few weeks but tonight the flood gates have opened and every emotion I have has been pouring out. The pain......is unbearable.

Reality Bites

My dads Tuesday routine includes a visit to the cemetery on the way to pick up his papers for his paper route. He called me to let me know that the gravestone had be put in. I decided to go after work to have a look. Staring down at the stone with my moms name on it hit me like a ton of bricks. Its true......she really is dead and she's never coming back. I am standing above her. Her body is underground with the dirt and the bugs. She doesn't belong there. She belongs with her family and her new grand daughter. I stood there crying for several minutes.

I watched a man laying next to a grave. He just layed there. I wondered who he was there for. Was it his mom? A wife? I couldn't stay any longer. Why do we even go visit cemeteries??? If our soul leaves our body when we die....then what lies beneath the ground with the dirt and bugs is just a shell. The people we love are not there. So why do we go and stand at their grave and cry? I don't know. All I know is that my mom is dead. She is not with me....and I will never be the same.

Speechless

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine today. She lives in Michigan. A few years ago...she came in contact with black mold and she has been fighting for her life since then. I took up donations for her and sent a care package up to her. We were able to buy a few hundred dollars worth of gift cards and a few other things. My mom and dad even donated. I have only met her once. We met at a Kip Winger concert and became friends and chat online alot. My parents have never met her.

She was looking for a way to help others instead of focusing on her illness. So she applied to train puppies to become guide dogs. She got a puppy last week and named her Melody.

This is part of her blog......
I had the honor of naming her, and that's what she is to me, a melody. Music is my lifeblood, and it surrounds me and fills me, reflects my sorrows and my triumphs in its lyrics and its orchestration. And just as though music is always by my side, she is...delicately prancing along happily in her dainty way, in this beautiful symphony of emotions that moves you. She is light, and airy, and sweet, and beloved, just like a melody is to me. And her middle name on her certificate? It's Bev....for a woman I've never met and never will this side of heaven, but even so, taught me precisely what it was like to give to someone in need who you don't know, but who's story has tugged at your heartstrings. And in Bev's honor, I'm going to do the exact same thing.....I'm going to give Melody eventually to a person I may never meet, but who's plight is near to my heart and who I'd give anything to make better.


I cried when I read that. I am speechless. I feel like my lifes mission is to ensure my moms memory lives on and Becca has helped me with that.

Thank you Becca.

Rainbows and babies

I saw two rainbows across from the hospital today. They were beautiful against the dark sky. I thought of my mom. Was that her smiling over baby Alexis? I have to believe it was. It makes me feel better.

Only parents and grandparents are allowed in to see the baby because she is in NICU. They granted me permission in place of my mom, since she is not with us. So I feel very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to see her. Her birth was a bit scary....she had to be given CPR because she wasn't breathing on her own. But she is doing very well now. I went in the NICU with Brian and Erin tonight because Erin was able to feed her for the first time. I felt....overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't stop smiling as I starred at this beautiful little life. I haven't felt joy and happiness in............I don't know how long. It feels like forever. I am so thrilled to be an Aunt. I have to make my mom proud and spoil that little girl, like I know she would.

Welcome beautiful baby Alexis.

Still waiting

My sis-n-law went into the hospital to be induced a few days ago. She is now back at home...without a baby (in hand). They tried inducing...but she wasn't dilating much...so they sent her home to rest for a few days and then they will try again. She says that my mom wants to hang on to her alittle while longer...before introducing her to the world. Although Erin is frustrated and feeling lousy....she is ok with the fact that the baby isn't ready to come out yet. When she is ready....it will happen. My birthday is on Thursday and it would be quite a coincidence if the baby was born on that day. I would say that my mom had a hand in that one. My dad thinks that the baby decided to be a boy and needs more time to grow a penis. LOL Whatever dad! Girls can play with trains. I did. We'll see what happens.

My birthday is coming in a few days. I don't think anyone in my family will even remember my birthday. My mom was always in charge of that stuff. Birthdays & holidays will never be the same. Maybe its best they don't remember. There really isn't any reason to celebrate anyway.

Update.....Erin is now heading back to the hospital. Blood pressure is too high. This dr needs to make up her mind. Just do a c-section and be done with it. This back-n-forth business is nuts.

Alexis's Angel

I miss my mom a lot. I think about her every single day. Baby Alexis is due to arrive at any time. Erin is in the hospital as I write this and is being induced. It is very bittersweet. I am excited to finally meet Baby Alexis....but it breaks my heart that my mom is not here to see her first grandchild being born. She would have spoiled that baby terribly. Life is just so unfair. What did my mom do to deserve this? My life is so empty without her. Sure, I will have a baby neice to bring some joy into my life...but she will never fill the void that my mothers death has left in me. A piece of me is gone forever.

I love you mom. I miss you so much. I hope that you are watching over Erin while she is preparing to bring your beautiful grand daughter into this world.

A small step

Today I went to a fundraiser for a organization called Cornerstone of Hope. I dragged my friend Linda with me because I didn't want to go alone. It is an orgization for grief counciling. A friend of mine volunteers there and asked if I would donate one of my rock hall photographs for their silent auction they were having this weekend. I got to draw the winning ticket for my picture. More importantly....I signed up for classes. They have an 8 week session. Once a week for two hours. We took a tour of the building...it is a beautiful place and I think I need to go. The counciling in free. I know I need help. I hate admitting it. I needed to take that small step today...to get me closer to the bigger step I need to take in asking for help.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. I know that all of the stress and anxiety and depression has taken its toll on my body. I used the blood pressure machine at CVS last week and got a reading of 155/110. NOT GOOD! And I am already on blood pressure pills. So...I rushed to the dr the next day and my reading was 140/100...not much better. She changed my meds a bit. I have to go back in a month and see how it is working. I have other issues that need to be delt with as well...but I really I am not fond of doctors right now. My dad also has some new health issues arrising and all I can say is PLEASE LORD....NO MORE. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE STRESS AND SADNESS. PLEASE LET MY FAMILY BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY FOR AWHILE. DON'T WE DESERVE THAT???? I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so sick of crying. Please let me be happy for awhile.

Nostalgic

The Bash For Bev was a success. All (most) of my close friends and family were there to celebrate my mom. I passed out old recipes and forget-me-not seeds to everyone. It feels like a mission to do everything I can to keep my moms spirit alive. I hope everyone will try her recipes and plant the seeds and think of her. I think everyone had a good time. Frank manned the grill (THANK YOU FRANK), Dustin mixed cement so the kids (and Linda) could make stepping stones (THANK YOU DUSTIN). And everyone else just ate, drank, browsed recipes and old pictures, we toasted my mom. It was a nice day. I hope she was looking down on us.

I also had my 20 year class reunion the night before. It was fun. I wasn't excited about going....but went anyway. I told myself I'd stay an hour and stayed four. Oddly enough...I hung out with the guy who made my life hell in Junior High. He picked on me terribly, called me fat, said the ground shook when I walked. He was as fat as me at the time...so in defense....I had to call him fat. He came back to school after one summer break...he was thin, and he never made fun of me again. I never forgot that. He apologized several times for picking on me and we had a good time.

Since then...I've been feeling nostaligic and have been going through old pictures. I have boxes of pictures. I have artwork from my days in Commerical Art. I saved alot of things from my younger years. Yet....why am I keeping all this stuff? Who will want my things when I die??? If I never get married or have kids...what will happen to all my posessions when I die? Who will care about my photographs, all of my memories, my autographs of famous musicians? All of my belongings? I have cool stuff. Will it go in the garbage? To Good Will? My cats? Will they end up on the streets? I thought alot about my mom yesterday. I feel guilty about selling her things...I know she is probably furious that we are getting rid of her posessions. She thought everything was valuable...but there is just way too much to keep. I am hanging on to things that are important to me...but I can't keep everything. Nor can Brian and Erin. I took Erin to visit my friend Teresa who just had a baby girl on tuesday. I hoped it would ease her fears about child birth since she will be delievering soon. I looked at little Natalie and wonder what Alexis will look like. Does my mom already know? I ended up in tears on the drive home because I miss my mom so much and it breaks my heart that she isn't here to see her Grand Daughter. Life isn't fair.

I feel terrible

Awhile back...I remember my mom being frustrated because she couldn't find her apples squares recipe. She made them all the time. Loved them. She thought it got thrown out somehow...when she was going through her recipes. She knew it was out of the Plain Dealer. She even called there and had someone try and track the recipe down. I can't remember if they found it....BUT.....it seems I had the recipe all along. I have a few pages out of her binders and it was on the backside of one of the recipes I make. I started bawling when I saw it. I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry I made you do all that searching for nothing. I wish you could hear my apology.

Erin came home from the hospital they other day...only to go back in today. She was released after a few hours. Her blood pressure was through the roof again. Her protien count is about 280 and over 300 is a sign of preclamsia (sp?). If they cannot get things stablized....baby Alexis will be arriving alot sooner than planned.

Now what?

I came home from work today only to find out that my sis-n-law is in the hospital. First thing I thought of was problems with the baby. Erin's blood pressure is extremely high and they don't know why. Her blood tests are fine. The baby seems to be ok and Erin feels fine otherwise. They are keeping her overnight to give her meds and monitor her. Please say a prayer that everything is ok.

Will it be a good day or bad day?

Tomorrow is a busy day. Gerry is going to be on Regis & Kelly. What time is that on??? I don't ever watch that show. I have to go pick up my car from the repair shop in Streetsboro. I want to take flowers from the garden to the cemetary. I picked a rose from my moms yard and have it in the arrangement. Then....dad goes for a colonoscopy. I have had a nervous feeling all week. I pray that everything is ok. It has to be ok. I can't take anymore stress and upset in my life. I just can't. Then I am meeting my girlfriends for dinner at Aladdins in Independence and then its to see my man Gerard Butler in "The Ugly Truth." I am so excited to see this movie. Everytime I see his face....I am taken back to the moment he and I were face to face, when I met him last Sept. at the Toronto Film Festival. OH...I love that man!!!

I am excited to get out of the house, be with my friends and have a good time.
I hope its a good day.

I found it!

I found the stuffing recipe! Well....at least I think its the recipe she used. The recipe is vague with ingredient amounts...and I think my mom always went by memory from having made it for so many years. I am going to have to have a trial run (or two) before Thanksgiving. That stuffing is family tradition. Everyone in the family made it, and still makes it. It was being made before I was even born. It needs to live on. I pray I don't ruin tradition.

I've been in tears for the last few hours as I sat going through some of her cookbooks. She had about a dozen binders of recipes she has cut out and collected over the years. Some of them take me back to my childhood. I look at all these recipes.....she wrote "Make!" next to the ones that she thought sounded really good. She won't ever have the chance to make them. My father will have to suffer with my cooking or worse...his cooking (which consists of bacon & eggs or Mrs' T's Pierogi's) for the rest of his life. He won't have my mom to make meatloaf or potato pancakes or roasts or all the other homestyle cooking she liked to do. I know how to cook...but my style isn't like hers. I don't think I can live up to her.

Bittersweet

Today was a hard day. It was a happy occasion because we were celebrating baby-to-be Alexis at Brian & Erin's Baby Shower. But it was also a very sad day for me and my family because I know my mom wanted more than anything to be there. We honored her by making a seat for her and lighting a candle next to a picture of her. A friend of Erin's was kind enough to buy a grandmother bracelet and we put it next to the picture. Needless to say....I've been in tears all day. It was a loverly shower. I was very happy that a few relatives, a few of my friends and several family friends came to represent my mom and our side of the family. She got lots of great gifts. Alexis will be dressed in style. I bought a bunch of cute little outfits, the baby bath tub Erin wanted and I re-finished my moms play high chair that her father built for her. My dad gave a toy box that Erin wanted. And then there was the cross-stitch from my mom. I couldn't even take pictures because I was crying so much. My friend Linda spent every night for the last two months finishing it for my mom. I told my mom when she was in the hospital the last time, that I was going to have Linda finish it and she was so happy that someone was willing to do that for her. I wish my mom would have been able to finish it...but things just didn't work out that way. It turned out beautifully and I am so grateful that Linda offered to do it. The last time my mom was in the hospital (I knew things were very bad), I took a notepad with me and asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to the baby. I wrote down her random thoughts. I took her thoughts and composed them into a letter to Alexis. The letter......is attached to the back of the picture and one day when Alexis is old enough...I hope that Brian and Erin will read that letter to her and tell her what a wonderful grandma she had.

I hope I made you proud today mom.

Not the same

My mom enthusiastically supported my Gerard Butler obsession. I think my love for him rubbed off on her a bit because she asked me for a picture of him and she put it up on her fridge. I'm sure my dad loved that. She was leary about me driving to Toronto last September to try and meet him...because even though I was meeting people there...I was driving up alone. I got to meet Gerry and my mom was the first person I called. He has a new movie coming out called The Ugly Truth and its getting alot of press. He is on the cover of Esquire magazine. After searching about 8 stores...I finally found a copy. I was so thrilled to get my hands on it...I wanted to show it to everyone! I brought the magazine over to my dads yesterday to look at while the garage sale was going on. I decided to show him. Sadly......he is not as enthusiastic about Gerry as my mom was. He said....."I don't think he's that good looking." OMG...he's only the sexiest man on the planet! Surely you can see that!!! UGH!!! I miss my mom. She would have drooled over the magazine with me. It's just not the same without her here. Everything in my life is different now. Everything.

Cookies

Teresa and I made my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies over the weekend. They don't look as nice as my moms. I don't know what we did wrong....we followed the recipe. My mom just had the special touch I guess. I pulled out all of her binders of recipes she has clipped and saved. I need to spend a day looking through them. She loved to cook. The amount of cookbooks and recipes she had was incredible. I don't think I'll ever be as good a cook as she was.

Happy 4th.

My dad and I spent the day with our former neighbors. They moved to Twinsburg...in a bigger house. I'm so sad they moved, but who can blame them....their new house is beautiful. We went to see fireworks in Solon. It was a nice day. It was good to get out and get my mind off things. I only cried a little today...which is an improvement over the last several days. Thank you Frank & Faith....for inviting my dad and I over so we didn't have to be alone. Everything was great. Tell Tyler to take good care of his new bear. I know my mom would be happy that he has it.

Don't care

Today.....I don't care if I live or die. My life isn't worth living right now. I've had chest pains all day today and almost drove myself to the ER...but I decided to go home instead. My nerves are shot and I think I've been having a panic attack.

I can't seem to do anything right. I've been fighting with my sis-n-law for what I feel is a legit reason for me to be upset. She doesn't see it that way.

I want my mom back. Nothing is right without her.

Amazing Grace

Today was a bad day...and for no apparent reason. I have been in tears all day. I am worried about my dad, worried about my finances, worried about my brother & sister-n-law and the troubles they are having. I can't go a day without worrying about something. Its taking a toll on me. I'm just tired. I'm tired, but afraid to stop moving. I have been working my butt off and have swollen feet to prove it.

My sister-n-law called me today to ask me if there was anything we could make for the shower that my mom loved, or would have made. So now on top of eveything else...I have to attempt to make my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies. I've never made them before. I hope I can make her proud and do a good job. Maybe someone will help me.

I am sitting on my front porch with a few candles lit. Feeling the cool breeze, and listening to the wind chimes I bought in honor of my mom. They have the lyrics to Amazing Grace imprinted on each chime. I love them. Ugh...now the beautiful sounds of the chimes are ruined by the obnoxious sounds of the neighbor I hate coming home. So much for that.

I feel a bit more at peace than I did earlier today. Of course that could all change by tomorrow.

Dreams. Signs.

Everyone keeps telling me that my mom will come to me. I'll see her somehow. Her longtime friend Toni told me a few weeks ago that she had a dream about my mom. She was wearing blue, and her skin looked smooth and she looked at peace. Toni woke up and said her heart felt lighter and she knew that my mom was at peace. Since then I've been hoping I'd have that type of dream. Well...I had a dream, but it wasn't like Toni's. There was desperation in my dream, like she had been searching for me. I don't remember exactly what she said...but I could tell that she was relieved to find me. Maybe she was acting that was because she knows I have been so desperate to see a sign from her and she has been trying to find a way to reach me. I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff. Signs from God and lost loved ones and all that.

When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.

I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.

Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.

Worry free summer? Please!

Dad went for blood tests this morning. Part of his annual or bi-annual (not sure how often he goes) checkup. I pray that everything is ok. I just want a calm, stress-free existence for awhile. I am so tired of worrying. I have trouble sleeping. We got baby monitors and I have the parent monitor at my house so that if he were to have another "episode," I would hear it (hopefully). They work.....but not as well as I would like. The reception isn't the best. He goes on the 1st to be fitted for his sleeping mask and another sleep study.

My moms dill has spread like crazy this summer. It is all over the back flower beds. I cut some and put it in the bouquet I took to the cemetery. Maybe dill will start sprouting up all over her grave site.

A million tiny pieces

I keep seeing my mom lying lifeless in my dads bed. She died in his bed. It kills me to think about it yet every time I close my eyes thas what I see. My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces and I don't think it will ever be put back together. I sat at the cemetery yesterday and just cried. I feel so alone. As predicted...the phone has stopped ringing, the emails have slowed. People have gone on with their regularly scheduled lives (as they should). I am left to to try and live a life that I really don't care to live without my mom. No....I am not suicidal...I just..........feel that life isn't worth living right now. I am tired, lonely, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed.

People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.

I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.

Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.

It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.

Lonely

I'm lonely today. I have no one to do anything with...so I am sitting outside at my picnic table starring at the charred house next door to me.

I had to give a 10 minute recorded statement to my neighbors insurance company about what I knew about the fire. Then she proceeds to tell me that under Ohio law...the homeowner isn't necessarily responsible for damage to my house unless negligence is determined to be responsible for the fire. WTF? These fucking insurance companies are crooks. I hope they rule the fire was due to negligence, I don't have $1000 for my deductible. It has been my understanding that a candle was left unattended. That sounds negligent to me. So now I have to play the waiting game with her insurance company. They have to wait until the official report comes in from the fire dept. I called and told my insurance agent about this and she said that some companies follow that law...mine doesn't follow that law...they will pay. Her's (Allstate) says they don't have to pay. It's awful what happened. I feel so terrible for Cindy. I hope she doesn't have any problems with the insurance company.

I need my mom. I miss her. My life is so empty without her.

Fire on Chestnut Avenue

I am sitting at my kitchen table and this is the view out my window....not more than15 ft from me. About 4pm this afternoon..I was across the street at my dads working on the garage sale stuff he called me over because some ladies had stopped in to look at my moms clothes. A few mintues later I smelled smoke. I look out into the street and the entire corner was full of smoke. I thought maybe a transformer blew or something. Then I saw flames raging out the window of the house next to me. I ran into the street yelling OMG...her house is on fire. Right at that time, cops had showed up and yelled for us to stay back. I think my mom was watching over my house because luckily...the flames were shooting straight up or else my house would have caught fire. She has a wooden fence along our properties and if that would have caught fire....Lord only knows what would have happened. I had my dads van parked next to the fence because of the garage sale. No damage to the van but the siding on my house has buckled and warped from the heat of the fire. A few of my plants are burnt as well. Please say a prayer for my neighbor Cindy and her sister & daughter. From what I heard...not all of their animals made it out. She had about 5 dogs and I am not sure what else. There is pretty extensive damage to the back half of the house from fire...and bad smoke damage to the rest. There were fire departments from 6-7 surrounding cities. 37 firemen was the number I heard. It is now 9pm and they are still there hosing things down. It's been quite an eventful afternoon on chestnut avenue. I think half the city was on my street corner.

Where is she?

I miss my mom.

Some days I still can't believe she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't think about it but when I stop for a moment.....it's there. The pain, the loss. I'm still waiting for my sign that she is watching over me. Everyone tells me stories about themselves or someone they know experiencing a sign or feeling or something that lets them know that the love one they lost is still there. I haven't felt anything. Where is she? I would get along much better it I knew she was there.

I miss my mom.

Without her

I have been working in the basement for days and it barely seems like I've put a dent in it. The garage is full so I've had to price things and keep them in bins so that as tables clear out we can just add more items. The sale is officially June 11, 12 & 13th (Frank...let Faith know). I hope we do good.

I have a really hard time going to sleep at night. My mind goes a mile a minute. Last night I was thinking.....if I live the typical life span of a human........I will have to live the next 35-40 years without my mom. It's an overwhelming thought. In going through her things.....there are so many things I wish I could ask her. Who made this quilt? Who's earrings were these? Where did grandma get this? I found the bread machine....how do I make rye bread? I can't talk to her ever again. My dad erased the answering machine message so I can't hear her voice anymore. I am doing as much as I can to honor her memory. I found a tiny cross necklace that I put aside to give to my niece-to-be when she gets baptized. I also found a mobile that says MOM that my brother made when he was a kid. I wanted to give that to my sis-n-law on her first mothers day. I am also going to refinish a doll highchair that my grandfather made for my mom. I'm going to give it to baby-to-be Alexis. My good friends girlfriend gives vintage jewelry new life by putting different pieces together from different necklaces, bracelets...etc. I am giving her lots of my moms old jewelry. I want her to make me something as well. Today I bought a rose plant and planted it in my garden. My mom also loved chimes....and today I found windchimes that have the lyrics to the song Amazing Grace printed on each chime. They were $60 but worth it.....they sound so beautiful...and I have them under my bedroom window. I also am going to make a memorial stepping stone and put it by the rose. While all these things are wonderful....it still doesn't change the fact that she is gone and she is never coming back. I can wear her perfume....but it's still not "her". I can carry a handbag that was hers...but its not her carrying it. I can attempt to make Christmas cookies this december but she won't be there to help me. For the next 35-40 years or for however long my life is........she won't be there.

No rest for the weary

I've been staying busy. I have to. I am afraid that if I stop moving.......I will loose it. I have been cleaning and going through things trying to get ready for the garage sale. The garage is FULL....and I haven't even really started looking through things in the basement. We have already donated 3 bags of old towels and blankets to the Forever Friends Foundation (at Petco) that rescues cats, and gave 6 or 7 bags of clothes to Goodwill. Wait until trash day....ugh! Dad and I threw a few signs up on sunday that we were open and sold about $200 worth of stuff. Not bad for no advertiseing. The official sale will be June 11, 12, 13...and maybe 14. On top of preparing for the garage sale...work is getting busy. We have about 11 weddings in the next 2 weeks. I also have a pile of mulch as big as my car that I am trying to put down....and I have to make about 70 baby shower invitations. No rest for the weary.

I miss her

I miss my mom. I've spent the last several days going through her things and its heartbreaking to have to sell or donate all the things she loved. There is just so much stuff in that house that things have to go. I have only gone through closets and the garage is full. I put things aside here and there that I want to keep. I wish I could keep everything......I just can't.

I don't feel like I've grieved as much as I should. I cry...I am crying now. But...I thought it would be much worse. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself busy. I wonder if its coming and will hit me like a freight train and I won't be able to get off the couch for days. I did so much crying while she was alive because I was so worried about her. I cried on a daily basis. I had several meltdowns. I miss her so much. I know she doesn't want me to cry...she'd want me to be happy and live my life. The first time she went into the hospital for the surgery (that didn't happen)...I told her how scared I was. She told me she loves me..and should something happen....I would be ok because she would be all around me. She told me she loved me more than her own life. I keep looking for a sign that she is watching over me. I hear about other people experiencing such things. Why can't I???? It would help to restore the faith that I have lost. Sometimes I think maybe she could end up being a ghost because I know she really didn't want to die. I'd be ok with that. At least I'd know she was there. I've not seen any signs of anything. Ghost, angel or otherwise. I don't feel her presence. I only feel pain.

I was ok today, until.....

I started bringing some of her clothes out for the garage sale. I was ok at first but then I smelled her perfume and I lost it.

She is probably turning in her grave already...seeing us selling her things. But she had SO MUCH STUFF. Her clothes took up three closets. The clothes rack is full and I haven't even started in her main closet. 90% of what I brought out today...I have never seen her wear. Most of her things are new or like new. I hope she understands that I am just trying to take care of my dad and make the house easier for him to live in. He can't find anything. I hate having to get rid of her things...but there is too much. My house is small and I am surrounded by things from her already. I can look around every room in my house and pick out a dozen things that she gave me. I will always be surrounded by her.

Punished

You know...the more I think about things.....I think it wasn't my mom being punished...its me. I have comitted sins...and I've done things in my life that I am not proud of and maybe God has chosen to punish me by taking my mom from me. It's the only reason I can think of why he would let her die.

Then I hear this......my dad went to the dr. yesterday and he told my dad.."You know, I tried to get your wife to come in for pap tests and physicals and she never wanted to. We've could have found that tumor alot earlier and she could still be here." My mom hated going to the dr. She was scheduled for a blood test about 2 weeks before my xmas party. She cancelled it and when I asked her why....said she wanted to wait until after the holidays. I think she knew something was wrong at that time. Unfortunately...we found out things were wrong before the holidays, but I really do think she knew something was wrong earlier on.

I don't know what to think. Punishment? Was it her doctors not treating her properly or was it my moms fault for not being responsible for her own health? I guess it doesn't really matter because now she is gone and she isn't coming back and I have to face the rest of my life without her. I don't know if I can.

A bad day

Today has been a really difficult day. On top of it being Mother's Day....my dad got rid of the dogs (Basset Hound & Irish Setter) today. My mom loved her dogs like they were her own kids. My dad tolorated them. They are alot to handle and he didn't want to keep them. I don't have a fenced in yard or else I would have taken them. My sis-n-law knows someone who knows someone who runs a foundation that places animals whos owners have passed away, etc. I guess potential new owners have to apply and pass a screening before getting an animal. The couple who took both Penny & Baxter already have a Basset Hound and two cats. They promised to send me pictures. My heart was breaking having to say goodbye to them. My mom loved them so much. I hope they are ok.

My friend Sabrina has been here alot this week. She spent the afternoon with me and we went to the cemetery. My friend Cindi brought me a beautiful orange Gerbera Daisy to plant today in honor of my mom. My friend Lisa is walking part of the Relay For Life in honor of my mom on Saturday. My other friends Rachelle & Jim are sponsoring a Basset Hound through a Basset Rescue for one year in honor of my mom. Another friend made a donation to a local animal shelter in her name. The love and support from everyone is just amazing. It just shows how loved my mom was.

When everyone leaves

I spent the afternoon replanting some of the flowers from the funeral. I hope they survive. I'd like to keep them alive as a tribute to my mom. I gave several of them away to friends because I just couldn't keep them all.

I was just told that the dogs are leaving this weekend. That was a shock. Not that they were leaving but that they were leaving so quickly. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't blame my dad for wanting to get rid of them...he never liked dogs. Merely tolorated them.

It's night time...everyone is gone...the phone isn't ringing off the hook. I am alone....and the pain from the gaping hole in my heart is almost too much to bare. I loved my mom so much and I know she didn't want to die. She was depressed and felt miserable but I know she was counting on the treatments working. She didn't want to die. She didn't deserve to die. Why was God so cruel to take her before the birth of her first grandchild? I know she didn't deserve to be punished this way so maybe its me that is being punished.

Was it a prayer answered?

She passed early monday morning...about 4am. I regret that I wasn't there. I told my dad that I needed to sleep at home because I was up the prevous night with her and got no sleep. I needed to sleep so that I could go to work. She was real restless about 3am and my dad gave her a pill to calm her down. That was the last time he spoke to her. He called me about 8:30 in the morning to tell me she had died. The doctors had taken her off the blood thinners because she had urinated blood, which was why she went back into the hospital last week. I had noticed that her legs were swollen and she was breathing alittle harder. She kept saying she was going to need oxygen. I believe it was the clots that killed her and not the cancer. I prayed to God that if was not going to let her live to see her grandchild...to take her now because she didn't deserve to suffer this way. That was the one prayer he heard. What happened to all the other prayers by the countless people that prayed for her? Did those not matter?

I have the most wonderful friends ever. My house was full of people all day. I had friends bringing food over left and right yesterday and more is coming today. We made a collage for the service. She had bought a cross-stitch picture to make for the baby...but sadly it never got started. A close friend of mine is going to do finish it for her. Luckily...I had talked to my mom last week while she was in the hospital and asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to the baby. I had a notepad and wrote down what she said. I am going to print it out on nice paper and put it with the cross-stitch and give it to my brother and sis-n-law at the shower...from my mom. My brother wants to burry pictures of the ultrasound with her and we are having her hold a single white rose from baby-to-be Alexis. We are also burrying the ashes of our former dogs with her. She loved her pets. They were her babies.

I know I did everything I possibly could to help save my mom and get her to fight harder. I pray that she is watching over me. I think that will be the only way I'll get through this.

Thank you everyone...on behalf of myself and my family...thank you....for everything.

She's gone

My mom is gone. What do I do now? How will I go on?

Each day is worse than the last

The last two days have been the most difficult days of my life. I am really surprised that I am still standing. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. The Dr. called my dad this morning and told him that the cancer has spread and that if she wanted...she could continue with chemo but also suggested hospice. We decided to also call the Ireland Cancer Center which is supposed to be the best. It is through a different hospital system. We spoke with an oncology nurse there and she said we should put my mom into hospice and see if they can get her symptoms under control so that perhaps she might start feeling alittle better, then we could take her to be evaluated by a dr. at the Ireland Cancer Center (a 2nd opinion) to see if there are any other options. So...today...my dad, brother and I had to go to a bedside hospice meeting with my mom at the hospital. The nurses we spoke with were very kind and understanding. They said that based on my moms advanced disease that this is the best course of action. They had looked over her charts and history and her prognosis is six months or less. She will come home tomorrow under hospice care. We will see how she is in a few weeks and then if my mom wants to try more treatment...we will go for the 2nd opinion at the other cancer center. I asked my mom several times if she was ok with everything and she said yes.

Over the last few days I have learned the true meaning of friendship. I have such wonderful friends who have been so helpful. Even if its to bring me a sandwhich because I haven't eaten or to just sit and hang with me so I don't have to be alone. I truly don't know how I can ever repay them for the kindness and compassion they have shown me and my family. I love you all.

When she is gone

Everyone I have talked to on the phone today...I have made cry. While I feel bad for bringing everyone into this horrible nightmare....it tells me how loved my mom is. She is the most caring, loving and generous person I know. Everyone adores her and I know that when her time is up...it will be a loss felt by many.

Who will I make Christmas cookies with?
Who will help me with all the cooking for my parties? Maybe I won't have parties anymore.
Who will I call when I need help with a recipe?
Who will I call when I meet Gerard Butler again?
Who will I call when I don't feel good?
Who will I call when I am scared?
Who will I call when I am sad or angry?
Who will I call when I need advice?
Who will I call when I am short on money and need $20 to fill the gas tank?

I think about these things constantly. I have no idea how to make a Thanksgiving turkey or the stuffing that I have eaten since a child. Everyone from my Grandma to my Aunts to my mom have made the stuffing in this paticular way. No other stuffing compares. I don't know how to make it.

I love my mom.

My dad, brother and I just got back from the hospital. She looks so tired. I had a major breakdown. I was hyper-ventilating in the hall. I just sat there and held her hand and told her I loved her. She told me that she loved me more than her own life....and that when she dies..she will watch over me from heaven.

My heart is breaking in a million pieces.

I am numb.

I slept over my parents house last night because I am so paranoid that my dad will have a seizure if I am not there. As I was about to leave...the doctor called with some very heartbreaking news. He has not gotten the results of her catscan yet but based on her condition he thinks that the cancer is probably spreading. We don't have many options left at this point and he has said the dreaded "hospice" word.

I cannot imagine my life without my mom. I truly can't. I want to die myself right now. I know life must go on...but I don't know how I'll be able to. My mom is like my best friend. I feel so alone in this world as it is...when she leaves me..........I will be lost. I don't know if she will die tomorrow or next week or in 6 months...I know she is dying. I am dying too.

No answers

I still don't have any answers. She is finally in a room...but just wants to sleep. She doesn't want me to even come and visit her. She is very weak and dehydrated. The doctor said she may have to have an IV at home. Her oncologist was in briefly and said he would be back.

From the moment I posted this lastest turn of events I've been getting emails and phone calls and messages. I love my friends. I love all of you and I don't know how I can ever repay you for the kindness and generosity you have shown me and my family. I really don't. This ordeal has been so incredibly hard on me. I don't have the strength of a boyfriend of husband to help me through so it has helped a great deal to have my friends by my side.

Thank You.
Please continue to pray.

A turn for the worse

The ambulance just left...they are taking my mom to Marymount Hospital. She started peeing a lot of blood. I've seen a decline in the past few weeks...she is really weak and has started vomiting. I am numb. I can't breathe.

Is today over yet?

I have been a disaster today. I can't stop crying. I can't stand seeing my mom suffer. It is killing me.

In the past few days I have found out that a former boyfriend (well....we dated briefly) has since got married. Another one got divorced and is already dating someone else and is "in love". WTF is wrong with me? I think God has it in for me or something. I think I am destined to be alone and miserable.

My former neighbors will be happy to know that I finally met my new neighbor. I talked to her for about a half hour yestreday. I learned that she lost her mom five years ago. Her mom developed brain tumors. They weren't cancerous but spread like cancer. As much as I love Faith and Frank (my old neighbors)...maybe I was meant to meet Erica. She can relate to what I am going through. And...she has cats. we have things in common.

In misery

My mom says she is in misery every day. Today she doesn't want to get out of bed. She is scheduled for a catscan on friday and I am so scared. Today....I am a nervous wreck for some reason...I can't concertrate on anything...I just want to be home.

April 25th

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Good friend....good time

My friend Sabrina is in town from CA. I was happy to be able to spend time with her yesterday...she understands me. Understands my pain, my fear, my sadness. She makes me laugh and she always tries to see the brighter side of things. We watched a movie (I made her watch P.S. I Love You...my favorite Gerry movie) and pigged out on pizza. It was great to get my mind of stuff for a bit. I'll miss her when she leaves.

Prayer warriors....we need you

Mom went for her fouth treatment today. She is quite weak. She has been getting out of breath. Her oncologist says its from the blood clots. He has scheduled her for a cat scan next week to see if the tumors have started to shrink. I PRAY THEY HAVE. She needs some good news to lift her spirits. I can tell she is quite depressed. I can't blame her....I would be too....in fact...I AM. Please Lord...give my mom some hope. Give us all some hope. Please give her life for awhile longer.

I ask all of you who read my blog...to pray. Pray for my mom....my family. We need you. Please.

Another bad day

Mom has chemo tomorrow...hopefully. Today was not a good day. She didn't sleep at all last night. She keeps having these terrible gas pains. We really don't know what is causing it. She has also thrown up a few times.

The days are getting worse instead of better.

I hate spring sometimes

Late saturday night I came downstairs into the kitchen and noticed about 7 or 8 ants on the walls. I had seen a few ants during the day but didn't think much of it. Then I had a flashback to last year and the ant infestation I had in my baking hutch. They were in my sugar and everything. So....I opened the cabinets above my sink and counter and sure enough....they were everywhere! I freaked out. I noticed they are coming in above my cabinets through a gap between the cabinets and ceiling. I was up until 3am sucking up ants. After $25 and a trip to Lowes...I hope the problem is under control. I hope.

I started the dreadful spring yard cleanup over the weekend. I wish I hadn't been so lazy in the fall because now I have more work. I've hauled three tarps of leaves to the woods in an effort to clean out my flower beds. I also lugged my picnic table out (by myself) and put some of my pots out. I still need to put the fountain out. I still haven't talked to my new neighbor. We said hi once over the winter, but thats it. I know she has a cat. I see it laying by the back sliding door that goes out to the deck. I know that Max (one of the neighborhood cats) knows there is a cat there because I've seen him laying on the deck and staring in door. The girls father (I assume) came and cut grass and raked the lawn a bit...there were alot of brown patches. We got mine fertalized so hopefully it will look decent. But does it matter now that Frank is gone???? He won't care what my lawn looks like since he doesn't have to cut it anymore! lol

My good friend Sabrina who lives in San Jose is in town for a few weeks to visit her family. I miss her. She says she wants to move back to Cleveland soon. I hope she does. Hopefully we can hang out a bit before she goes back. I know she wants to visit my mom as well. She always tries to see the positive side of things.

I think my mom feels a bit better today. Hopefully she will eat and do her exercises like she is supposed to because come Wednesday....chemo starts again and she will be tired.

I wish I was a miracle worker

My mom got beautiful flowers today, from our former neighbors Faith & Frank. I miss them. They are wonderful people and I am sad that they aren't my neighbors anymore. It's just not the same without them around.

A friend from a message board I am on posted that her husband died yesterday. He had cancer. He put up a brave fight and lost. My thoughts and prayers are with Sally and her family.

I am crying alot lately. I am really, really scared. I know my mom is scared. We mentioned to her what the doctors said on the day that they tried to do her surgery a few months back. I know I told her what they said (liver covered in tumors and tumor in her uterus...is attached to her pelvis and if they tried to cut it out..they risked my mom bleeding to death) but she doesn't remember hearing that dreadful information. I know it was a harsh blow to hear that today. So I know alot of things are running through her head and I know she is scared and upset. I can't begin to imaginenwhat it is like for her. It kills me to see her going through this. Its not fair. She doesn't deserve any of this. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I was a miracle worker.

It's a girl! They think.

My sister-n-law Erin went for another ultrasound today. She is about 16 weeks along. It's looking like they are having a girl. I am very happy that we finally will have a baby in the family. I know my parents want to have a grandchild in the worst way. I pray every day that my mom will be here to enjoy this baby girl.

Damn PMS

I have a migraine. Lovely way to end the day. Pray I don't vomit from the nausea. It's been known to happen. Last time I didn't make it to the bathroom quick enough. Gross. TMI????? Sorry.

Fearing the future

It's been much of the same the last few days. Mom hasn't been feeling that well...which means she isn't eating that well. It's so hard to see her this way. I cry everyday. She has only had three treatments so far. She has a long way to go yet...how long can she continue in this condition? I don't sleep well at all. As soon as I turn the lights out...my mind is running a mile a minute. I think about death alot. I think about my parents dying and me being all alone in this world. I don't think I'm strong enough for that. I have always relied on my parents for support in many ways. Who will I go to when I need help when they are gone? I have a brother but....he is married with a baby on the way...he has his own life and has never been the most reliable person. I think about this stuff all the time. I honestly don't know what I'll do or how I will survive when they are gone. Just the thought brings me to tears.

I tried.

I tried to make it a nice Easter. I even went to church this morning. The day ended with me crying and storming out. I look at my mom and think this will be my last Easter with her. I tried so hard to make it a nice day...but she didn't want to eat and my dad and I just get frustrated and then everyone is fighting. I don't know how many times or in how many ways I can tell her that she she needs to try harder or else she will die. She just ends up crying and says we are picking on her. She doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong. She says she is trying. She feels that her getting off the chair to go to the bathroom and to do the few exercises she does is enough. Yet she wonders why she can't get off a chair without arm rests. I'm not sure how she rationalizes things...but my dad and I see things much differently. My brother isn't around enough to see what she is and isn't doing. I have begged him to talk to her....and he doesn't. My sister-n-law has tried...and Brian just stands there like a mute. I don't know if he is scared...or in denial....or doesn't know what to say...or doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I don't get it. I have to use brutal honesty and end up looking like the bitch...and I still can't get through to anyone. I am begging...someone, anyone call my mom and talk to her. My dad and I have tried and tried and tried and nothing is working. We don't know what else to do.