Without her

I have been working in the basement for days and it barely seems like I've put a dent in it. The garage is full so I've had to price things and keep them in bins so that as tables clear out we can just add more items. The sale is officially June 11, 12 & 13th (Frank...let Faith know). I hope we do good.

I have a really hard time going to sleep at night. My mind goes a mile a minute. Last night I was thinking.....if I live the typical life span of a human........I will have to live the next 35-40 years without my mom. It's an overwhelming thought. In going through her things.....there are so many things I wish I could ask her. Who made this quilt? Who's earrings were these? Where did grandma get this? I found the bread machine....how do I make rye bread? I can't talk to her ever again. My dad erased the answering machine message so I can't hear her voice anymore. I am doing as much as I can to honor her memory. I found a tiny cross necklace that I put aside to give to my niece-to-be when she gets baptized. I also found a mobile that says MOM that my brother made when he was a kid. I wanted to give that to my sis-n-law on her first mothers day. I am also going to refinish a doll highchair that my grandfather made for my mom. I'm going to give it to baby-to-be Alexis. My good friends girlfriend gives vintage jewelry new life by putting different pieces together from different necklaces, bracelets...etc. I am giving her lots of my moms old jewelry. I want her to make me something as well. Today I bought a rose plant and planted it in my garden. My mom also loved chimes....and today I found windchimes that have the lyrics to the song Amazing Grace printed on each chime. They were $60 but worth it.....they sound so beautiful...and I have them under my bedroom window. I also am going to make a memorial stepping stone and put it by the rose. While all these things are wonderful....it still doesn't change the fact that she is gone and she is never coming back. I can wear her perfume....but it's still not "her". I can carry a handbag that was hers...but its not her carrying it. I can attempt to make Christmas cookies this december but she won't be there to help me. For the next 35-40 years or for however long my life is........she won't be there.

No rest for the weary

I've been staying busy. I have to. I am afraid that if I stop moving.......I will loose it. I have been cleaning and going through things trying to get ready for the garage sale. The garage is FULL....and I haven't even really started looking through things in the basement. We have already donated 3 bags of old towels and blankets to the Forever Friends Foundation (at Petco) that rescues cats, and gave 6 or 7 bags of clothes to Goodwill. Wait until trash day....ugh! Dad and I threw a few signs up on sunday that we were open and sold about $200 worth of stuff. Not bad for no advertiseing. The official sale will be June 11, 12, 13...and maybe 14. On top of preparing for the garage sale...work is getting busy. We have about 11 weddings in the next 2 weeks. I also have a pile of mulch as big as my car that I am trying to put down....and I have to make about 70 baby shower invitations. No rest for the weary.

I miss her

I miss my mom. I've spent the last several days going through her things and its heartbreaking to have to sell or donate all the things she loved. There is just so much stuff in that house that things have to go. I have only gone through closets and the garage is full. I put things aside here and there that I want to keep. I wish I could keep everything......I just can't.

I don't feel like I've grieved as much as I should. I cry...I am crying now. But...I thought it would be much worse. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself busy. I wonder if its coming and will hit me like a freight train and I won't be able to get off the couch for days. I did so much crying while she was alive because I was so worried about her. I cried on a daily basis. I had several meltdowns. I miss her so much. I know she doesn't want me to cry...she'd want me to be happy and live my life. The first time she went into the hospital for the surgery (that didn't happen)...I told her how scared I was. She told me she loves me..and should something happen....I would be ok because she would be all around me. She told me she loved me more than her own life. I keep looking for a sign that she is watching over me. I hear about other people experiencing such things. Why can't I???? It would help to restore the faith that I have lost. Sometimes I think maybe she could end up being a ghost because I know she really didn't want to die. I'd be ok with that. At least I'd know she was there. I've not seen any signs of anything. Ghost, angel or otherwise. I don't feel her presence. I only feel pain.

I was ok today, until.....

I started bringing some of her clothes out for the garage sale. I was ok at first but then I smelled her perfume and I lost it.

She is probably turning in her grave already...seeing us selling her things. But she had SO MUCH STUFF. Her clothes took up three closets. The clothes rack is full and I haven't even started in her main closet. 90% of what I brought out today...I have never seen her wear. Most of her things are new or like new. I hope she understands that I am just trying to take care of my dad and make the house easier for him to live in. He can't find anything. I hate having to get rid of her things...but there is too much. My house is small and I am surrounded by things from her already. I can look around every room in my house and pick out a dozen things that she gave me. I will always be surrounded by her.

Punished

You know...the more I think about things.....I think it wasn't my mom being punished...its me. I have comitted sins...and I've done things in my life that I am not proud of and maybe God has chosen to punish me by taking my mom from me. It's the only reason I can think of why he would let her die.

Then I hear this......my dad went to the dr. yesterday and he told my dad.."You know, I tried to get your wife to come in for pap tests and physicals and she never wanted to. We've could have found that tumor alot earlier and she could still be here." My mom hated going to the dr. She was scheduled for a blood test about 2 weeks before my xmas party. She cancelled it and when I asked her why....said she wanted to wait until after the holidays. I think she knew something was wrong at that time. Unfortunately...we found out things were wrong before the holidays, but I really do think she knew something was wrong earlier on.

I don't know what to think. Punishment? Was it her doctors not treating her properly or was it my moms fault for not being responsible for her own health? I guess it doesn't really matter because now she is gone and she isn't coming back and I have to face the rest of my life without her. I don't know if I can.

A bad day

Today has been a really difficult day. On top of it being Mother's Day....my dad got rid of the dogs (Basset Hound & Irish Setter) today. My mom loved her dogs like they were her own kids. My dad tolorated them. They are alot to handle and he didn't want to keep them. I don't have a fenced in yard or else I would have taken them. My sis-n-law knows someone who knows someone who runs a foundation that places animals whos owners have passed away, etc. I guess potential new owners have to apply and pass a screening before getting an animal. The couple who took both Penny & Baxter already have a Basset Hound and two cats. They promised to send me pictures. My heart was breaking having to say goodbye to them. My mom loved them so much. I hope they are ok.

My friend Sabrina has been here alot this week. She spent the afternoon with me and we went to the cemetery. My friend Cindi brought me a beautiful orange Gerbera Daisy to plant today in honor of my mom. My friend Lisa is walking part of the Relay For Life in honor of my mom on Saturday. My other friends Rachelle & Jim are sponsoring a Basset Hound through a Basset Rescue for one year in honor of my mom. Another friend made a donation to a local animal shelter in her name. The love and support from everyone is just amazing. It just shows how loved my mom was.

When everyone leaves

I spent the afternoon replanting some of the flowers from the funeral. I hope they survive. I'd like to keep them alive as a tribute to my mom. I gave several of them away to friends because I just couldn't keep them all.

I was just told that the dogs are leaving this weekend. That was a shock. Not that they were leaving but that they were leaving so quickly. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't blame my dad for wanting to get rid of them...he never liked dogs. Merely tolorated them.

It's night time...everyone is gone...the phone isn't ringing off the hook. I am alone....and the pain from the gaping hole in my heart is almost too much to bare. I loved my mom so much and I know she didn't want to die. She was depressed and felt miserable but I know she was counting on the treatments working. She didn't want to die. She didn't deserve to die. Why was God so cruel to take her before the birth of her first grandchild? I know she didn't deserve to be punished this way so maybe its me that is being punished.

Was it a prayer answered?

She passed early monday morning...about 4am. I regret that I wasn't there. I told my dad that I needed to sleep at home because I was up the prevous night with her and got no sleep. I needed to sleep so that I could go to work. She was real restless about 3am and my dad gave her a pill to calm her down. That was the last time he spoke to her. He called me about 8:30 in the morning to tell me she had died. The doctors had taken her off the blood thinners because she had urinated blood, which was why she went back into the hospital last week. I had noticed that her legs were swollen and she was breathing alittle harder. She kept saying she was going to need oxygen. I believe it was the clots that killed her and not the cancer. I prayed to God that if was not going to let her live to see her grandchild...to take her now because she didn't deserve to suffer this way. That was the one prayer he heard. What happened to all the other prayers by the countless people that prayed for her? Did those not matter?

I have the most wonderful friends ever. My house was full of people all day. I had friends bringing food over left and right yesterday and more is coming today. We made a collage for the service. She had bought a cross-stitch picture to make for the baby...but sadly it never got started. A close friend of mine is going to do finish it for her. Luckily...I had talked to my mom last week while she was in the hospital and asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to the baby. I had a notepad and wrote down what she said. I am going to print it out on nice paper and put it with the cross-stitch and give it to my brother and sis-n-law at the shower...from my mom. My brother wants to burry pictures of the ultrasound with her and we are having her hold a single white rose from baby-to-be Alexis. We are also burrying the ashes of our former dogs with her. She loved her pets. They were her babies.

I know I did everything I possibly could to help save my mom and get her to fight harder. I pray that she is watching over me. I think that will be the only way I'll get through this.

Thank you everyone...on behalf of myself and my family...thank you....for everything.

She's gone

My mom is gone. What do I do now? How will I go on?

Each day is worse than the last

The last two days have been the most difficult days of my life. I am really surprised that I am still standing. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. The Dr. called my dad this morning and told him that the cancer has spread and that if she wanted...she could continue with chemo but also suggested hospice. We decided to also call the Ireland Cancer Center which is supposed to be the best. It is through a different hospital system. We spoke with an oncology nurse there and she said we should put my mom into hospice and see if they can get her symptoms under control so that perhaps she might start feeling alittle better, then we could take her to be evaluated by a dr. at the Ireland Cancer Center (a 2nd opinion) to see if there are any other options. So...today...my dad, brother and I had to go to a bedside hospice meeting with my mom at the hospital. The nurses we spoke with were very kind and understanding. They said that based on my moms advanced disease that this is the best course of action. They had looked over her charts and history and her prognosis is six months or less. She will come home tomorrow under hospice care. We will see how she is in a few weeks and then if my mom wants to try more treatment...we will go for the 2nd opinion at the other cancer center. I asked my mom several times if she was ok with everything and she said yes.

Over the last few days I have learned the true meaning of friendship. I have such wonderful friends who have been so helpful. Even if its to bring me a sandwhich because I haven't eaten or to just sit and hang with me so I don't have to be alone. I truly don't know how I can ever repay them for the kindness and compassion they have shown me and my family. I love you all.