When she is gone

Everyone I have talked to on the phone today...I have made cry. While I feel bad for bringing everyone into this horrible nightmare....it tells me how loved my mom is. She is the most caring, loving and generous person I know. Everyone adores her and I know that when her time is up...it will be a loss felt by many.

Who will I make Christmas cookies with?
Who will help me with all the cooking for my parties? Maybe I won't have parties anymore.
Who will I call when I need help with a recipe?
Who will I call when I meet Gerard Butler again?
Who will I call when I don't feel good?
Who will I call when I am scared?
Who will I call when I am sad or angry?
Who will I call when I need advice?
Who will I call when I am short on money and need $20 to fill the gas tank?

I think about these things constantly. I have no idea how to make a Thanksgiving turkey or the stuffing that I have eaten since a child. Everyone from my Grandma to my Aunts to my mom have made the stuffing in this paticular way. No other stuffing compares. I don't know how to make it.

I love my mom.

My dad, brother and I just got back from the hospital. She looks so tired. I had a major breakdown. I was hyper-ventilating in the hall. I just sat there and held her hand and told her I loved her. She told me that she loved me more than her own life....and that when she dies..she will watch over me from heaven.

My heart is breaking in a million pieces.

I am numb.

I slept over my parents house last night because I am so paranoid that my dad will have a seizure if I am not there. As I was about to leave...the doctor called with some very heartbreaking news. He has not gotten the results of her catscan yet but based on her condition he thinks that the cancer is probably spreading. We don't have many options left at this point and he has said the dreaded "hospice" word.

I cannot imagine my life without my mom. I truly can't. I want to die myself right now. I know life must go on...but I don't know how I'll be able to. My mom is like my best friend. I feel so alone in this world as it is...when she leaves me..........I will be lost. I don't know if she will die tomorrow or next week or in 6 months...I know she is dying. I am dying too.

No answers

I still don't have any answers. She is finally in a room...but just wants to sleep. She doesn't want me to even come and visit her. She is very weak and dehydrated. The doctor said she may have to have an IV at home. Her oncologist was in briefly and said he would be back.

From the moment I posted this lastest turn of events I've been getting emails and phone calls and messages. I love my friends. I love all of you and I don't know how I can ever repay you for the kindness and generosity you have shown me and my family. I really don't. This ordeal has been so incredibly hard on me. I don't have the strength of a boyfriend of husband to help me through so it has helped a great deal to have my friends by my side.

Thank You.
Please continue to pray.

A turn for the worse

The ambulance just left...they are taking my mom to Marymount Hospital. She started peeing a lot of blood. I've seen a decline in the past few weeks...she is really weak and has started vomiting. I am numb. I can't breathe.

Is today over yet?

I have been a disaster today. I can't stop crying. I can't stand seeing my mom suffer. It is killing me.

In the past few days I have found out that a former boyfriend (well....we dated briefly) has since got married. Another one got divorced and is already dating someone else and is "in love". WTF is wrong with me? I think God has it in for me or something. I think I am destined to be alone and miserable.

My former neighbors will be happy to know that I finally met my new neighbor. I talked to her for about a half hour yestreday. I learned that she lost her mom five years ago. Her mom developed brain tumors. They weren't cancerous but spread like cancer. As much as I love Faith and Frank (my old neighbors)...maybe I was meant to meet Erica. She can relate to what I am going through. And...she has cats. we have things in common.

In misery

My mom says she is in misery every day. Today she doesn't want to get out of bed. She is scheduled for a catscan on friday and I am so scared. Today....I am a nervous wreck for some reason...I can't concertrate on anything...I just want to be home.

April 25th

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Good friend....good time

My friend Sabrina is in town from CA. I was happy to be able to spend time with her yesterday...she understands me. Understands my pain, my fear, my sadness. She makes me laugh and she always tries to see the brighter side of things. We watched a movie (I made her watch P.S. I Love You...my favorite Gerry movie) and pigged out on pizza. It was great to get my mind of stuff for a bit. I'll miss her when she leaves.

Prayer warriors....we need you

Mom went for her fouth treatment today. She is quite weak. She has been getting out of breath. Her oncologist says its from the blood clots. He has scheduled her for a cat scan next week to see if the tumors have started to shrink. I PRAY THEY HAVE. She needs some good news to lift her spirits. I can tell she is quite depressed. I can't blame her....I would be too....in fact...I AM. Please Lord...give my mom some hope. Give us all some hope. Please give her life for awhile longer.

I ask all of you who read my blog...to pray. Pray for my mom....my family. We need you. Please.

Another bad day

Mom has chemo tomorrow...hopefully. Today was not a good day. She didn't sleep at all last night. She keeps having these terrible gas pains. We really don't know what is causing it. She has also thrown up a few times.

The days are getting worse instead of better.

I hate spring sometimes

Late saturday night I came downstairs into the kitchen and noticed about 7 or 8 ants on the walls. I had seen a few ants during the day but didn't think much of it. Then I had a flashback to last year and the ant infestation I had in my baking hutch. They were in my sugar and everything. So....I opened the cabinets above my sink and counter and sure enough....they were everywhere! I freaked out. I noticed they are coming in above my cabinets through a gap between the cabinets and ceiling. I was up until 3am sucking up ants. After $25 and a trip to Lowes...I hope the problem is under control. I hope.

I started the dreadful spring yard cleanup over the weekend. I wish I hadn't been so lazy in the fall because now I have more work. I've hauled three tarps of leaves to the woods in an effort to clean out my flower beds. I also lugged my picnic table out (by myself) and put some of my pots out. I still need to put the fountain out. I still haven't talked to my new neighbor. We said hi once over the winter, but thats it. I know she has a cat. I see it laying by the back sliding door that goes out to the deck. I know that Max (one of the neighborhood cats) knows there is a cat there because I've seen him laying on the deck and staring in door. The girls father (I assume) came and cut grass and raked the lawn a bit...there were alot of brown patches. We got mine fertalized so hopefully it will look decent. But does it matter now that Frank is gone???? He won't care what my lawn looks like since he doesn't have to cut it anymore! lol

My good friend Sabrina who lives in San Jose is in town for a few weeks to visit her family. I miss her. She says she wants to move back to Cleveland soon. I hope she does. Hopefully we can hang out a bit before she goes back. I know she wants to visit my mom as well. She always tries to see the positive side of things.

I think my mom feels a bit better today. Hopefully she will eat and do her exercises like she is supposed to because come Wednesday....chemo starts again and she will be tired.

I wish I was a miracle worker

My mom got beautiful flowers today, from our former neighbors Faith & Frank. I miss them. They are wonderful people and I am sad that they aren't my neighbors anymore. It's just not the same without them around.

A friend from a message board I am on posted that her husband died yesterday. He had cancer. He put up a brave fight and lost. My thoughts and prayers are with Sally and her family.

I am crying alot lately. I am really, really scared. I know my mom is scared. We mentioned to her what the doctors said on the day that they tried to do her surgery a few months back. I know I told her what they said (liver covered in tumors and tumor in her uterus...is attached to her pelvis and if they tried to cut it out..they risked my mom bleeding to death) but she doesn't remember hearing that dreadful information. I know it was a harsh blow to hear that today. So I know alot of things are running through her head and I know she is scared and upset. I can't begin to imaginenwhat it is like for her. It kills me to see her going through this. Its not fair. She doesn't deserve any of this. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I was a miracle worker.

It's a girl! They think.

My sister-n-law Erin went for another ultrasound today. She is about 16 weeks along. It's looking like they are having a girl. I am very happy that we finally will have a baby in the family. I know my parents want to have a grandchild in the worst way. I pray every day that my mom will be here to enjoy this baby girl.

Damn PMS

I have a migraine. Lovely way to end the day. Pray I don't vomit from the nausea. It's been known to happen. Last time I didn't make it to the bathroom quick enough. Gross. TMI????? Sorry.

Fearing the future

It's been much of the same the last few days. Mom hasn't been feeling that well...which means she isn't eating that well. It's so hard to see her this way. I cry everyday. She has only had three treatments so far. She has a long way to go yet...how long can she continue in this condition? I don't sleep well at all. As soon as I turn the lights out...my mind is running a mile a minute. I think about death alot. I think about my parents dying and me being all alone in this world. I don't think I'm strong enough for that. I have always relied on my parents for support in many ways. Who will I go to when I need help when they are gone? I have a brother but....he is married with a baby on the way...he has his own life and has never been the most reliable person. I think about this stuff all the time. I honestly don't know what I'll do or how I will survive when they are gone. Just the thought brings me to tears.

I tried.

I tried to make it a nice Easter. I even went to church this morning. The day ended with me crying and storming out. I look at my mom and think this will be my last Easter with her. I tried so hard to make it a nice day...but she didn't want to eat and my dad and I just get frustrated and then everyone is fighting. I don't know how many times or in how many ways I can tell her that she she needs to try harder or else she will die. She just ends up crying and says we are picking on her. She doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong. She says she is trying. She feels that her getting off the chair to go to the bathroom and to do the few exercises she does is enough. Yet she wonders why she can't get off a chair without arm rests. I'm not sure how she rationalizes things...but my dad and I see things much differently. My brother isn't around enough to see what she is and isn't doing. I have begged him to talk to her....and he doesn't. My sister-n-law has tried...and Brian just stands there like a mute. I don't know if he is scared...or in denial....or doesn't know what to say...or doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I don't get it. I have to use brutal honesty and end up looking like the bitch...and I still can't get through to anyone. I am begging...someone, anyone call my mom and talk to her. My dad and I have tried and tried and tried and nothing is working. We don't know what else to do.

A few hours of fun

I went out to dinner with some friends tonight. A belated birthday dinner for my friend Chris. Afterwards we went back to Rachelle & Jim's house to hang out. I was glad to get out for a few hours. It was good to be able to laugh and take my mind off things. I have wonderful friends (several that I have known since high school)...and I don't get to see them as much as I would like to. Rachelle even thought of me and bought me alittle something for Easter, and for my mom as well. Thank you Rachelle. I look forward to reading the book...and I'm sure the chocolates will be great.

I hope that tomorrow is a good day. I hope my mom is feeling ok...and will eat. We have a Honey Baked Ham and I am making fingerling potatoes will dill. I also made mini cheesecakes. It won't be the Easter dinner we are used to having...because my mom always did all the cooking. We don't even have any Easter eggs. :-( I just hope its a good day. I can deal with not having eggs and all the other things my mom always made.

Happy Easter to all my friends and family.
Thank you Cousin Lorie for the beautiful card.

Good Friday? Not really.

Today is Good Friday. I hoped it would live up to its name. Sadly...it didn't. Mom had her chemo pack unhooked today. She is really weak. Tired. Couldn't get up the steps. I don't know of its the chemo doing it or what. Of course we get into another arguement about her not trying hard enough. Brian and Erin were over and witnessed what my dad and I have to deal with every day. I got so upset that I got up and stormed out.

I needed to find some peace. I went to church tonight. I have been wanting to go but never am able to make the time. I went to something called Liturgy of the Lord's Passion. Sadly....I don't really know what that means....but I went anyway. I'm sitting there looking around at all the statues and the crucifix above me and I don't know what happened but I started crying. I couldn't stop. I was embarassed. I was trying to follow along during the readings but I couldn't see through my tears. Maybe it was a release that I needed...I don't know. Despite my breakdown....I'm glad that I went. I would like to go more. I hope I can make the commitment.

A sigh of relief

Last night before I went to bed...I held the worry stone Katie (Songbird) gave me. I starred at the cross inside of it and read the word BELIEVE...over and over. I closed my eyes and rubbed the stone and said "I believe in you....I believe in you." "Please look after my mom tomorrow....please let her be able to get her treatment.....give her a chance to fight."

My dad just called me and said that mom is getting her chemo. Her white blood cell count has recovered and is even above the level it needs to be at in order to get treatment.

Thank You Lord.

Easter...already

It's hard to believe that Easter is this weekend. The days feel like they go by so slowly...yet.......it's April already. I can't help but wonder if this will be the last Easter I celebrate with my mom. Maybe thats why I've blocked out the fact the holiday is just around the corner. I don't want to think about it being "the last holiday." Some days I think she'll make it...other days...I'm not so sure. She has had so many setbacks already. I pray that this week there isn't another one. I PRAY that she can get her chemo. How can someone fight when they aren't given the proper chance? Her birthday is April 25th and she asked for a spring coat. I want to buy her a coat...but I keep getting these thoughts in my head that she may not be around to wear it. I know that is wrong. I can't think that way. I have to think positive.

Is she fighting? She tells me she is trying....fighting, but sometimes I don't see it. We get in arguments daily and we both end up in tears. I am so tired of crying. I don't want to make her cry...but I can't make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She needs to live her life like there is nothing wrong. I don't know how to get through to her. I have asked my brother to step in so that my dad and I don't always look like the bad guys. We'll see what happens. I don't know who else I can have talk to her.

My mom went to the cancer center this morning to have her blood tested for the thinners she is on. They left about 11am. It doesn't take that long for a blood test...so I started calling home about 12:30. No answer. 1:00, 1:30, 2:00...no answer. Of course...they didn't take the cell phone. I call the cancer center....she's not there. Is something wrong? Did they send her for a test??? Where is that worry stone that Katie sent me..when I need it???? I must have called home a dozen times. Finally about 2:30-2:45 they were home. She waited in the waiting room at the cancer center for an hour. Then my dad had to make several pitstops on the way home. So.....I was panicing for no reason. Welcome to my life. I teeter on the edge of anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.

I need a drink.

A better day.

I got the nicest card and worry stone from a friend from a message board I am on. I hardly know her...but she saw this worry stone that had a cross in it with the word "BELIEVE" written on it and she said she thought of me when she saw it. My mom also got some flowers today from Margaret & Ron, my sis-n-laws aunt and uncle. Ron's mom was in the same hospital at the same time my mom was in...and so they came and sat with my mom at the hospital every day while she was there. They are such nice people.

Today has been a better day. My mom doesn't have the pain like she had yesterday. When she has a good day.....I can have a good day.

UGH.

Yesterday ended with a bang. I can't seem to go a day without crying or making my mom cry. My dad and I just can't seem to make her understand that she isn't fighting hard enough. She says she is weak...and she got blood clots. Well....the only way you will get stronger is to eat and move around more. She seems to have an excuse for everything we suggest. I had to tell her that unless she starts fighting harder...the cancer will win and she will die. I don't cry as much as I did when this all started. I mean....I am depressed...big time. I rarely smile. Rarely laugh. I cry...but it stops faster than it did before. Does that mean I am getting stronger? I don't know. I don't feel stronger.

I feel like shit today. My digestive system is a wreck. In the last week...I've had two episodes in the middle of the night where I wake up with terrible bloating and gas pains..accompanied by a horrible back pain. It is the most uncomfortable pain. I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lay down...nothing makes it feel better. I make several trips to the shower and let the hot water pound on my back in hopes that it was ease the pain. Nothing works. Percocet doesn't even help. If I am lucky enough to finally fall asleep...by the time I wake up.....its like nothing even happened. There is no evidence anything was even wrong a few hours before. I don't get it.

My mom isn't feeling well today either which means she won't be eating much. She and my dad are both at their primary care doctor today. I hope all goes well. Please. Let all go well.

Off to a good start. NOT!

Mom couldn't get chemo today. Her white blood cell count is still low. We aren't getting anywhere fast. She can't even get one step forward before taking two step back. How many more people have to pray for her before things turn around?

April Fools?

I hope a new month brings new hope. Mom goes for her chemo today....hopefully. Her white blood cell count was low a few days ago...and if it still below a certain level they can't give her the treatment. I just want things to start going well. Is it too much to ask???????