I keep having dreams about my mom. The dreams are usually about something else or someone else totally...yet she just happens to be there. They aren't dreams that make me wake up and go "she came to me...I can be a peace now." In fact.....they are disturbing to me. She always has cancer, yet she is functioning and seems to be living as normally as she can. I don't understand what this means. The last dream I had, Kip Winger was at my house (parent house) building a concert stage and I wanted my mom to meet him. She was laying on the couch in the living room and didn't want to get up. So she never met Kip.
My gallbladder surgery is monday morning and I'm scared. I know they do those surgeries all day long and its nothing complicated but I'm scared. My mom won't be there with me to tell me everything will be ok. What if something goes wrong during the procedure and I start to see the white light? My mom is there calling me. Asking me to come and be with her. I miss her so much...I might just take her hand and go. My mom was never a selfish woman so I know she won't do that. She would want to to live my life and be happy. She would want me to stick around and be a wonderful aunt to little Lexi. But these things go though my mind all the time. I live in fear these days. I'm afraid of death, dying, the people around me dying.
Maybe I need therapy. If only I could afford it.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
One Year
Its been one year exactly, since I started this blog. Which is perhaps why I am so emotional today.
"February 13, 2009 - I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. They closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.
I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause."
It's.........scary to read my post from last year. My mom died in may, but I knew months before that, that I was going to loose her. I felt it. I knew it. I've been thinking about my mom so much lately. I've been cleaning and organizing and coming aross things of hers that bring back memories. I keep thinking about the hell she went through. I think about how scared she must have been at this time last year. I went for pre-testing for my upcoming surgery yesterday and as I was walking down one of the corridors, I saw a Dr. in scrubs ans surgical gear on. He was talking to man about the surgery he just performed on the mans loved one. I had a flashback of the dreaded day at the hospital when my moms dr. came out not more than a 1/2 hour after the surgery started and called us in to the hallway to talk. From that moment on...I lost every ounce of hope I had. I knew I would soon be without a mother.
I would have hoped I'd be further along in the healing process by now, but I still cry all the time. I'm not a happy person. Nothing excites me. How am I supposed to find love this way? Who the hell would want me in this condition? I'm broken. Its not like there are any prospects anyway. Since my moms illness, I have continued to live in fear. I fear everything. I call my dad every single day. He thinks its just to see how he's doing and to say hello. It's my way of making sure he is still alive. If he doesn't answer, I panic. I worry about going on vacation and being so far away from him. I worry plane crashes. I worry about my dr. botching my surgery and me dying on the table. It's consuming sometimes. Is it healthy? No. I know that. I just think its part of my grieving. It doesn't help that I am alone all the time. Thats when my mind starts working. The little joy I do get comes from my beautiful little niece. I went to visit her yesterday. She is starting to show more and more of her personality every time I see her. I held her up to me and she just starred at me and giggled. My heart melted. It made me smile. It was bittersweet though because all I could think of was how I wished my mom was here to see this beautiful little girl. She'd love her so much.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My mom always bought me a card and gave me alittle something on that day. Probably because she felt sorry for me because I never had a boyfriend. It was thoughtful of her just the same. Tomorrow I will take Erin & Alexis over to Teresa's house for Carmen's 2nd b-day and celebrate his day, not Valentine's Day.
I love you mom. I miss you so much.
"February 13, 2009 - I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. They closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.
I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause."
It's.........scary to read my post from last year. My mom died in may, but I knew months before that, that I was going to loose her. I felt it. I knew it. I've been thinking about my mom so much lately. I've been cleaning and organizing and coming aross things of hers that bring back memories. I keep thinking about the hell she went through. I think about how scared she must have been at this time last year. I went for pre-testing for my upcoming surgery yesterday and as I was walking down one of the corridors, I saw a Dr. in scrubs ans surgical gear on. He was talking to man about the surgery he just performed on the mans loved one. I had a flashback of the dreaded day at the hospital when my moms dr. came out not more than a 1/2 hour after the surgery started and called us in to the hallway to talk. From that moment on...I lost every ounce of hope I had. I knew I would soon be without a mother.
I would have hoped I'd be further along in the healing process by now, but I still cry all the time. I'm not a happy person. Nothing excites me. How am I supposed to find love this way? Who the hell would want me in this condition? I'm broken. Its not like there are any prospects anyway. Since my moms illness, I have continued to live in fear. I fear everything. I call my dad every single day. He thinks its just to see how he's doing and to say hello. It's my way of making sure he is still alive. If he doesn't answer, I panic. I worry about going on vacation and being so far away from him. I worry plane crashes. I worry about my dr. botching my surgery and me dying on the table. It's consuming sometimes. Is it healthy? No. I know that. I just think its part of my grieving. It doesn't help that I am alone all the time. Thats when my mind starts working. The little joy I do get comes from my beautiful little niece. I went to visit her yesterday. She is starting to show more and more of her personality every time I see her. I held her up to me and she just starred at me and giggled. My heart melted. It made me smile. It was bittersweet though because all I could think of was how I wished my mom was here to see this beautiful little girl. She'd love her so much.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My mom always bought me a card and gave me alittle something on that day. Probably because she felt sorry for me because I never had a boyfriend. It was thoughtful of her just the same. Tomorrow I will take Erin & Alexis over to Teresa's house for Carmen's 2nd b-day and celebrate his day, not Valentine's Day.
I love you mom. I miss you so much.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I'm back. I need to let it out.
I must be PMS'ing because I am sitting here crying for no reason. It seems that every month the week before "that time" my emotions are out of control. Today seems to be one of those days.
I got a package in the mail last week from Neil's GF Beah with a necklace she had made for me. I had given her a box of old baubles that were my moms & grandmas to use for her jewelry business. She has a business called Bohemian Birdcage and she takes old jewelry mixes it up and gives it new life. She made me a necklace from the pieces I gave her. In the package was a letter that said "Everything on the necklace was a part of what you gave me, even the chain. Consider it a reminder of your mother. I like to think of the dove as a mediator between you and your mother in heaven." I cried when I read that. I wore that necklace today.
The day started with me getting pulled over in Brecksville for speeding (and no seatbelt). I couldn't talk my way out of anything...so I didn't even try. I just agreed with everything he said and sat in my car as he sat checking my info and writing my ticket. I sat there for several minutes and then out loud I said "can you please help me out here mom?" He came back a few moments later with my license & registration and no ticket. He let me go with a warning. I have no idea why. I thought I was going to be out a good $150. Did my mom answer my call for help? Was that necklace from Beah a good luck charm? I don't know. I'd like to think so but its probably just a coincidence.
I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. She would be so excited for me that I get to go to Hawaii...but I can't tell her. Her little grand daughter is so beautiful. I wish she could see her.
I was cleaning out my desk and found the notepad that I took to the hospital the day we met with the hospice people. I took it because I felt it was important for me to get her words on how much she loved her grand daughter that she would never see. At the time I didn't think about how that was affecting her. For her to think that I thought her time on this earth was so limited that she wouldn't make it to see Alexis born. I knew she was dying but did I have to shove it in her face like that? She had to have been so scared. She didn't want to die and I think she continued to have hope even after hospice was called in. She wanted so badly to see the birth of her grandchild.
I think back to the misery I was in at this time last year. The worst of it was just beginning. I don't feel I've healed at all. I'm a sobbing mess at this very moment. I still see her face lying dead with dried vomit streaking down the sides of her face. It haunts me still. I don't want that to be how I remember my mom. That dreadful illness did not define her. But I still have so much healing to do and they say that as I heal that image will change to a happier one. I hope so. I wish I wasn't alone so much. I don't have anything to distract me. I don't have anything that brings joy in my life.
I love you so much mom. I miss you so much. If that was you helping me out today.....thank you.
I got a package in the mail last week from Neil's GF Beah with a necklace she had made for me. I had given her a box of old baubles that were my moms & grandmas to use for her jewelry business. She has a business called Bohemian Birdcage and she takes old jewelry mixes it up and gives it new life. She made me a necklace from the pieces I gave her. In the package was a letter that said "Everything on the necklace was a part of what you gave me, even the chain. Consider it a reminder of your mother. I like to think of the dove as a mediator between you and your mother in heaven." I cried when I read that. I wore that necklace today.
The day started with me getting pulled over in Brecksville for speeding (and no seatbelt). I couldn't talk my way out of anything...so I didn't even try. I just agreed with everything he said and sat in my car as he sat checking my info and writing my ticket. I sat there for several minutes and then out loud I said "can you please help me out here mom?" He came back a few moments later with my license & registration and no ticket. He let me go with a warning. I have no idea why. I thought I was going to be out a good $150. Did my mom answer my call for help? Was that necklace from Beah a good luck charm? I don't know. I'd like to think so but its probably just a coincidence.
I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. She would be so excited for me that I get to go to Hawaii...but I can't tell her. Her little grand daughter is so beautiful. I wish she could see her.
I was cleaning out my desk and found the notepad that I took to the hospital the day we met with the hospice people. I took it because I felt it was important for me to get her words on how much she loved her grand daughter that she would never see. At the time I didn't think about how that was affecting her. For her to think that I thought her time on this earth was so limited that she wouldn't make it to see Alexis born. I knew she was dying but did I have to shove it in her face like that? She had to have been so scared. She didn't want to die and I think she continued to have hope even after hospice was called in. She wanted so badly to see the birth of her grandchild.
I think back to the misery I was in at this time last year. The worst of it was just beginning. I don't feel I've healed at all. I'm a sobbing mess at this very moment. I still see her face lying dead with dried vomit streaking down the sides of her face. It haunts me still. I don't want that to be how I remember my mom. That dreadful illness did not define her. But I still have so much healing to do and they say that as I heal that image will change to a happier one. I hope so. I wish I wasn't alone so much. I don't have anything to distract me. I don't have anything that brings joy in my life.
I love you so much mom. I miss you so much. If that was you helping me out today.....thank you.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The End?
Almost a year has gone by since I started this blog. I seem to be writing here less and less. There really isn't anymore I can say that I haven't said a dozen times in one form or another.
The last few weeks I have been thinking about what I was going thru at this time last year. What a nightmare it had been for me....watching my mom suffer from that dreadful cancer. I think about her every single day. I cry for her every single day. I feel her loss every single day. My life won't ever be the same without my mom. I can only hope and pray that my pain will lessen in time.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog. Thank you for the support and advice and friendship. I won't ever forget the kindness and generosity you all have shown me and my family. I'm not saying that I'm deleting this blog.....I just don't have much to say here anymore. I know that most of you are on facebook and can keep track of me on there.
The last few weeks I have been thinking about what I was going thru at this time last year. What a nightmare it had been for me....watching my mom suffer from that dreadful cancer. I think about her every single day. I cry for her every single day. I feel her loss every single day. My life won't ever be the same without my mom. I can only hope and pray that my pain will lessen in time.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog. Thank you for the support and advice and friendship. I won't ever forget the kindness and generosity you all have shown me and my family. I'm not saying that I'm deleting this blog.....I just don't have much to say here anymore. I know that most of you are on facebook and can keep track of me on there.
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