One Year

Its been one year exactly, since I started this blog. Which is perhaps why I am so emotional today.

"February 13, 2009 - I am going to loose my mom. After nearly 5 years of being cancer free...it has returned and with a vengeance. We took her to the ER on December 20th because she wasn't feeling well. They did a catscan and saw a mass in her uterus, and spots on her lung and liver. She was admitted to the hospital to be monitored overnight. They did a few more tests at the hospital and said...there is a possibility her colon cancer came back, and that anything that needed to be done could be taken care of with out-patient care. We really didn't get solid answers. Several tests, biopsies and doctor appointments later...it is now February 10th and she is going in for a complete hysterectomy. Two surgeons were handling her case because the gyn was going to deal with the uterus and the general surgeon was going to take a look at her colon and fix a hernia. Less than an hour into the surgery...we are told that the tumor in her uterus is too big to remove and that it has started attaching to the pelvis. They risk her bleeding to death by trying to cut it out. They also said that her liver is covered in tumors. There is cancer in her colon and most likely her lung. They closed her up without doing anything. Now....her only hope is chemo and/or radiation. My family is devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. My dad...is a mans man. He never shows emotion. That changed. Seeing him cry....was almost too much to bear.

I am here because I need to comfort my soul. I need a form of release. I need hope because I don't have any...and I desperately need to find some. I need advice. I need.........help. I am having a really hard time dealing with what is happening. I cry constantly. I am crying as I type this. I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot. I can't eat. I am a mess...and I need to be strong for my mom. I just don't know how to be strong. I have gotten alot of wonderful messages and advice from friends and family members...I am just hoping something I hear or read will "click" inside me. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe I am a lost cause."

It's.........scary to read my post from last year. My mom died in may, but I knew months before that, that I was going to loose her. I felt it. I knew it. I've been thinking about my mom so much lately. I've been cleaning and organizing and coming aross things of hers that bring back memories. I keep thinking about the hell she went through. I think about how scared she must have been at this time last year. I went for pre-testing for my upcoming surgery yesterday and as I was walking down one of the corridors, I saw a Dr. in scrubs ans surgical gear on. He was talking to man about the surgery he just performed on the mans loved one. I had a flashback of the dreaded day at the hospital when my moms dr. came out not more than a 1/2 hour after the surgery started and called us in to the hallway to talk. From that moment on...I lost every ounce of hope I had. I knew I would soon be without a mother.

I would have hoped I'd be further along in the healing process by now, but I still cry all the time. I'm not a happy person. Nothing excites me. How am I supposed to find love this way? Who the hell would want me in this condition? I'm broken. Its not like there are any prospects anyway. Since my moms illness, I have continued to live in fear. I fear everything. I call my dad every single day. He thinks its just to see how he's doing and to say hello. It's my way of making sure he is still alive. If he doesn't answer, I panic. I worry about going on vacation and being so far away from him. I worry plane crashes. I worry about my dr. botching my surgery and me dying on the table. It's consuming sometimes. Is it healthy? No. I know that. I just think its part of my grieving. It doesn't help that I am alone all the time. Thats when my mind starts working. The little joy I do get comes from my beautiful little niece. I went to visit her yesterday. She is starting to show more and more of her personality every time I see her. I held her up to me and she just starred at me and giggled. My heart melted. It made me smile. It was bittersweet though because all I could think of was how I wished my mom was here to see this beautiful little girl. She'd love her so much.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My mom always bought me a card and gave me alittle something on that day. Probably because she felt sorry for me because I never had a boyfriend. It was thoughtful of her just the same. Tomorrow I will take Erin & Alexis over to Teresa's house for Carmen's 2nd b-day and celebrate his day, not Valentine's Day.

I love you mom. I miss you so much.