Today was a bad day...and for no apparent reason. I have been in tears all day. I am worried about my dad, worried about my finances, worried about my brother & sister-n-law and the troubles they are having. I can't go a day without worrying about something. Its taking a toll on me. I'm just tired. I'm tired, but afraid to stop moving. I have been working my butt off and have swollen feet to prove it.
My sister-n-law called me today to ask me if there was anything we could make for the shower that my mom loved, or would have made. So now on top of eveything else...I have to attempt to make my moms chocolate covered cherry cookies. I've never made them before. I hope I can make her proud and do a good job. Maybe someone will help me.
I am sitting on my front porch with a few candles lit. Feeling the cool breeze, and listening to the wind chimes I bought in honor of my mom. They have the lyrics to Amazing Grace imprinted on each chime. I love them. Ugh...now the beautiful sounds of the chimes are ruined by the obnoxious sounds of the neighbor I hate coming home. So much for that.
I feel a bit more at peace than I did earlier today. Of course that could all change by tomorrow.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Dreams. Signs.
Everyone keeps telling me that my mom will come to me. I'll see her somehow. Her longtime friend Toni told me a few weeks ago that she had a dream about my mom. She was wearing blue, and her skin looked smooth and she looked at peace. Toni woke up and said her heart felt lighter and she knew that my mom was at peace. Since then I've been hoping I'd have that type of dream. Well...I had a dream, but it wasn't like Toni's. There was desperation in my dream, like she had been searching for me. I don't remember exactly what she said...but I could tell that she was relieved to find me. Maybe she was acting that was because she knows I have been so desperate to see a sign from her and she has been trying to find a way to reach me. I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff. Signs from God and lost loved ones and all that.
When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.
I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.
Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.
When we had our garage sale a few weeks ago...Linda, Faith, LaVerne and I were sitting outside at the table and I told them the story of Toni's dream and asked where my sign was. I want to badly to know my mom is ok and that she is watching over me. A moment later Linda looks up and says...."there's your sign." There was a rainbow circling the sun, directly about the house. Was that a sign? Was my mom watching over me the day my neighbors house caught fire...because it could have so very easily been much worse. My house escaped with minor damage.
I need a more "obvious" sign. I just need my mom to appear in front of me and tell me everything will be ok...that I will be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out as I type this and praying my co-worker doesn't hear me.
Linda has been helping me out with the garage sale stuff. She has been great. Donating hours of her time in the hot, smelly and dirty garage helping me price and arrange things when she could be sitting at home in the air conditioning reading a book. I can't ask for a better friend. I know she misses my mom as much as I do. I think she cries almost as much as I do (well.....not quite as much as I do). We went to the cemetery together yesterday....its so hard to go there. I stand there looking at my moms name on the cross marker on her grave and can't believe she is gone. She isn't ever coming back. It just wrecks me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Worry free summer? Please!
Dad went for blood tests this morning. Part of his annual or bi-annual (not sure how often he goes) checkup. I pray that everything is ok. I just want a calm, stress-free existence for awhile. I am so tired of worrying. I have trouble sleeping. We got baby monitors and I have the parent monitor at my house so that if he were to have another "episode," I would hear it (hopefully). They work.....but not as well as I would like. The reception isn't the best. He goes on the 1st to be fitted for his sleeping mask and another sleep study.
My moms dill has spread like crazy this summer. It is all over the back flower beds. I cut some and put it in the bouquet I took to the cemetery. Maybe dill will start sprouting up all over her grave site.
My moms dill has spread like crazy this summer. It is all over the back flower beds. I cut some and put it in the bouquet I took to the cemetery. Maybe dill will start sprouting up all over her grave site.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A million tiny pieces
I keep seeing my mom lying lifeless in my dads bed. She died in his bed. It kills me to think about it yet every time I close my eyes thas what I see. My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces and I don't think it will ever be put back together. I sat at the cemetery yesterday and just cried. I feel so alone. As predicted...the phone has stopped ringing, the emails have slowed. People have gone on with their regularly scheduled lives (as they should). I am left to to try and live a life that I really don't care to live without my mom. No....I am not suicidal...I just..........feel that life isn't worth living right now. I am tired, lonely, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed.
People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.
I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.
Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.
It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.
People tell me...stop over sometime. I don't do that. I'm sorry, If you want me to come over...invite me. I wish someone would. I could use a break. I am overwhelmed and overworked. There aren't enough hours in the day to work fulltime, do yard work, cook for myself and my dad, clean for myself and my dad, and work on monster of a garage sale that I don't think will ever end. I can't do it all. I am only one person. Where is my brother during all this? Good question.
I ordered the invitations for my party in august. I designed them and had them printed professionally. I don't even want to have the party anymore. It won't be the same without my mom. I'll just cry the whole time. I guess I need to have it since I spent $40 on the invitations.
Maybe its better I don't get invited anywhere...I just end up crying anyway. I haven't been able to go out anywhere without crying. I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe I'll drive to Mentor Headlands.
It's a bad week and its only monday.
I miss my mom.
I miss her so much.
I'm still waiting for my sign.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Lonely
I'm lonely today. I have no one to do anything with...so I am sitting outside at my picnic table starring at the charred house next door to me.
I had to give a 10 minute recorded statement to my neighbors insurance company about what I knew about the fire. Then she proceeds to tell me that under Ohio law...the homeowner isn't necessarily responsible for damage to my house unless negligence is determined to be responsible for the fire. WTF? These fucking insurance companies are crooks. I hope they rule the fire was due to negligence, I don't have $1000 for my deductible. It has been my understanding that a candle was left unattended. That sounds negligent to me. So now I have to play the waiting game with her insurance company. They have to wait until the official report comes in from the fire dept. I called and told my insurance agent about this and she said that some companies follow that law...mine doesn't follow that law...they will pay. Her's (Allstate) says they don't have to pay. It's awful what happened. I feel so terrible for Cindy. I hope she doesn't have any problems with the insurance company.
I need my mom. I miss her. My life is so empty without her.
I had to give a 10 minute recorded statement to my neighbors insurance company about what I knew about the fire. Then she proceeds to tell me that under Ohio law...the homeowner isn't necessarily responsible for damage to my house unless negligence is determined to be responsible for the fire. WTF? These fucking insurance companies are crooks. I hope they rule the fire was due to negligence, I don't have $1000 for my deductible. It has been my understanding that a candle was left unattended. That sounds negligent to me. So now I have to play the waiting game with her insurance company. They have to wait until the official report comes in from the fire dept. I called and told my insurance agent about this and she said that some companies follow that law...mine doesn't follow that law...they will pay. Her's (Allstate) says they don't have to pay. It's awful what happened. I feel so terrible for Cindy. I hope she doesn't have any problems with the insurance company.
I need my mom. I miss her. My life is so empty without her.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Fire on Chestnut Avenue
I am sitting at my kitchen table and this is the view out my window....not more than15 ft from me. About 4pm this afternoon..I was across the street at my dads working on the garage sale stuff he called me over because some ladies had stopped in to look at my moms clothes. A few mintues later I smelled smoke. I look out into the street and the entire corner was full of smoke. I thought maybe a transformer blew or something. Then I saw flames raging out the window of the house next to me. I ran into the street yelling OMG...her house is on fire. Right at that time, cops had showed up and yelled for us to stay back. I think my mom was watching over my house because luckily...the flames were shooting straight up or else my house would have caught fire. She has a wooden fence along our properties and if that would have caught fire....Lord only knows what would have happened. I had my dads van parked next to the fence because of the garage sale. No damage to the van but the siding on my house has buckled and warped from the heat of the fire. A few of my plants are burnt as well. Please say a prayer for my neighbor Cindy and her sister & daughter. From what I heard...not all of their animals made it out. She had about 5 dogs and I am not sure what else. There is pretty extensive damage to the back half of the house from fire...and bad smoke damage to the rest. There were fire departments from 6-7 surrounding cities. 37 firemen was the number I heard. It is now 9pm and they are still there hosing things down. It's been quite an eventful afternoon on chestnut avenue. I think half the city was on my street corner.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where is she?
I miss my mom.
Some days I still can't believe she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't think about it but when I stop for a moment.....it's there. The pain, the loss. I'm still waiting for my sign that she is watching over me. Everyone tells me stories about themselves or someone they know experiencing a sign or feeling or something that lets them know that the love one they lost is still there. I haven't felt anything. Where is she? I would get along much better it I knew she was there.
I miss my mom.
Some days I still can't believe she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't think about it but when I stop for a moment.....it's there. The pain, the loss. I'm still waiting for my sign that she is watching over me. Everyone tells me stories about themselves or someone they know experiencing a sign or feeling or something that lets them know that the love one they lost is still there. I haven't felt anything. Where is she? I would get along much better it I knew she was there.
I miss my mom.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Without her
I have been working in the basement for days and it barely seems like I've put a dent in it. The garage is full so I've had to price things and keep them in bins so that as tables clear out we can just add more items. The sale is officially June 11, 12 & 13th (Frank...let Faith know). I hope we do good.
I have a really hard time going to sleep at night. My mind goes a mile a minute. Last night I was thinking.....if I live the typical life span of a human........I will have to live the next 35-40 years without my mom. It's an overwhelming thought. In going through her things.....there are so many things I wish I could ask her. Who made this quilt? Who's earrings were these? Where did grandma get this? I found the bread machine....how do I make rye bread? I can't talk to her ever again. My dad erased the answering machine message so I can't hear her voice anymore. I am doing as much as I can to honor her memory. I found a tiny cross necklace that I put aside to give to my niece-to-be when she gets baptized. I also found a mobile that says MOM that my brother made when he was a kid. I wanted to give that to my sis-n-law on her first mothers day. I am also going to refinish a doll highchair that my grandfather made for my mom. I'm going to give it to baby-to-be Alexis. My good friends girlfriend gives vintage jewelry new life by putting different pieces together from different necklaces, bracelets...etc. I am giving her lots of my moms old jewelry. I want her to make me something as well. Today I bought a rose plant and planted it in my garden. My mom also loved chimes....and today I found windchimes that have the lyrics to the song Amazing Grace printed on each chime. They were $60 but worth it.....they sound so beautiful...and I have them under my bedroom window. I also am going to make a memorial stepping stone and put it by the rose. While all these things are wonderful....it still doesn't change the fact that she is gone and she is never coming back. I can wear her perfume....but it's still not "her". I can carry a handbag that was hers...but its not her carrying it. I can attempt to make Christmas cookies this december but she won't be there to help me. For the next 35-40 years or for however long my life is........she won't be there.
I have a really hard time going to sleep at night. My mind goes a mile a minute. Last night I was thinking.....if I live the typical life span of a human........I will have to live the next 35-40 years without my mom. It's an overwhelming thought. In going through her things.....there are so many things I wish I could ask her. Who made this quilt? Who's earrings were these? Where did grandma get this? I found the bread machine....how do I make rye bread? I can't talk to her ever again. My dad erased the answering machine message so I can't hear her voice anymore. I am doing as much as I can to honor her memory. I found a tiny cross necklace that I put aside to give to my niece-to-be when she gets baptized. I also found a mobile that says MOM that my brother made when he was a kid. I wanted to give that to my sis-n-law on her first mothers day. I am also going to refinish a doll highchair that my grandfather made for my mom. I'm going to give it to baby-to-be Alexis. My good friends girlfriend gives vintage jewelry new life by putting different pieces together from different necklaces, bracelets...etc. I am giving her lots of my moms old jewelry. I want her to make me something as well. Today I bought a rose plant and planted it in my garden. My mom also loved chimes....and today I found windchimes that have the lyrics to the song Amazing Grace printed on each chime. They were $60 but worth it.....they sound so beautiful...and I have them under my bedroom window. I also am going to make a memorial stepping stone and put it by the rose. While all these things are wonderful....it still doesn't change the fact that she is gone and she is never coming back. I can wear her perfume....but it's still not "her". I can carry a handbag that was hers...but its not her carrying it. I can attempt to make Christmas cookies this december but she won't be there to help me. For the next 35-40 years or for however long my life is........she won't be there.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
No rest for the weary
I've been staying busy. I have to. I am afraid that if I stop moving.......I will loose it. I have been cleaning and going through things trying to get ready for the garage sale. The garage is FULL....and I haven't even really started looking through things in the basement. We have already donated 3 bags of old towels and blankets to the Forever Friends Foundation (at Petco) that rescues cats, and gave 6 or 7 bags of clothes to Goodwill. Wait until trash day....ugh! Dad and I threw a few signs up on sunday that we were open and sold about $200 worth of stuff. Not bad for no advertiseing. The official sale will be June 11, 12, 13...and maybe 14. On top of preparing for the garage sale...work is getting busy. We have about 11 weddings in the next 2 weeks. I also have a pile of mulch as big as my car that I am trying to put down....and I have to make about 70 baby shower invitations. No rest for the weary.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I miss her
I miss my mom. I've spent the last several days going through her things and its heartbreaking to have to sell or donate all the things she loved. There is just so much stuff in that house that things have to go. I have only gone through closets and the garage is full. I put things aside here and there that I want to keep. I wish I could keep everything......I just can't.
I don't feel like I've grieved as much as I should. I cry...I am crying now. But...I thought it would be much worse. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself busy. I wonder if its coming and will hit me like a freight train and I won't be able to get off the couch for days. I did so much crying while she was alive because I was so worried about her. I cried on a daily basis. I had several meltdowns. I miss her so much. I know she doesn't want me to cry...she'd want me to be happy and live my life. The first time she went into the hospital for the surgery (that didn't happen)...I told her how scared I was. She told me she loves me..and should something happen....I would be ok because she would be all around me. She told me she loved me more than her own life. I keep looking for a sign that she is watching over me. I hear about other people experiencing such things. Why can't I???? It would help to restore the faith that I have lost. Sometimes I think maybe she could end up being a ghost because I know she really didn't want to die. I'd be ok with that. At least I'd know she was there. I've not seen any signs of anything. Ghost, angel or otherwise. I don't feel her presence. I only feel pain.
I don't feel like I've grieved as much as I should. I cry...I am crying now. But...I thought it would be much worse. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself busy. I wonder if its coming and will hit me like a freight train and I won't be able to get off the couch for days. I did so much crying while she was alive because I was so worried about her. I cried on a daily basis. I had several meltdowns. I miss her so much. I know she doesn't want me to cry...she'd want me to be happy and live my life. The first time she went into the hospital for the surgery (that didn't happen)...I told her how scared I was. She told me she loves me..and should something happen....I would be ok because she would be all around me. She told me she loved me more than her own life. I keep looking for a sign that she is watching over me. I hear about other people experiencing such things. Why can't I???? It would help to restore the faith that I have lost. Sometimes I think maybe she could end up being a ghost because I know she really didn't want to die. I'd be ok with that. At least I'd know she was there. I've not seen any signs of anything. Ghost, angel or otherwise. I don't feel her presence. I only feel pain.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I was ok today, until.....
I started bringing some of her clothes out for the garage sale. I was ok at first but then I smelled her perfume and I lost it.
She is probably turning in her grave already...seeing us selling her things. But she had SO MUCH STUFF. Her clothes took up three closets. The clothes rack is full and I haven't even started in her main closet. 90% of what I brought out today...I have never seen her wear. Most of her things are new or like new. I hope she understands that I am just trying to take care of my dad and make the house easier for him to live in. He can't find anything. I hate having to get rid of her things...but there is too much. My house is small and I am surrounded by things from her already. I can look around every room in my house and pick out a dozen things that she gave me. I will always be surrounded by her.
She is probably turning in her grave already...seeing us selling her things. But she had SO MUCH STUFF. Her clothes took up three closets. The clothes rack is full and I haven't even started in her main closet. 90% of what I brought out today...I have never seen her wear. Most of her things are new or like new. I hope she understands that I am just trying to take care of my dad and make the house easier for him to live in. He can't find anything. I hate having to get rid of her things...but there is too much. My house is small and I am surrounded by things from her already. I can look around every room in my house and pick out a dozen things that she gave me. I will always be surrounded by her.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Punished
You know...the more I think about things.....I think it wasn't my mom being punished...its me. I have comitted sins...and I've done things in my life that I am not proud of and maybe God has chosen to punish me by taking my mom from me. It's the only reason I can think of why he would let her die.
Then I hear this......my dad went to the dr. yesterday and he told my dad.."You know, I tried to get your wife to come in for pap tests and physicals and she never wanted to. We've could have found that tumor alot earlier and she could still be here." My mom hated going to the dr. She was scheduled for a blood test about 2 weeks before my xmas party. She cancelled it and when I asked her why....said she wanted to wait until after the holidays. I think she knew something was wrong at that time. Unfortunately...we found out things were wrong before the holidays, but I really do think she knew something was wrong earlier on.
I don't know what to think. Punishment? Was it her doctors not treating her properly or was it my moms fault for not being responsible for her own health? I guess it doesn't really matter because now she is gone and she isn't coming back and I have to face the rest of my life without her. I don't know if I can.
Then I hear this......my dad went to the dr. yesterday and he told my dad.."You know, I tried to get your wife to come in for pap tests and physicals and she never wanted to. We've could have found that tumor alot earlier and she could still be here." My mom hated going to the dr. She was scheduled for a blood test about 2 weeks before my xmas party. She cancelled it and when I asked her why....said she wanted to wait until after the holidays. I think she knew something was wrong at that time. Unfortunately...we found out things were wrong before the holidays, but I really do think she knew something was wrong earlier on.
I don't know what to think. Punishment? Was it her doctors not treating her properly or was it my moms fault for not being responsible for her own health? I guess it doesn't really matter because now she is gone and she isn't coming back and I have to face the rest of my life without her. I don't know if I can.
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